E V O L

I had the biggest epiphany at work today at my second job.

I work as a mentor at a treatment center and that job is my heart.

Anyways... we were doing this meditating session.

I have been having the worst luck with matters of the heart and "men" (more like boys with their behavior or lack thereof).

You know me. Love is the definition of me. I love love more than anyone. I am a hopeless romantic. The hopeless-est hopeless romantic. My heart is so overflowing with love I cannot comprehend that it hasn't burst or broke after all the heartbreak I've suffered...

Well recently, I've had horror experiences with a few of these boys...

One from the past that was on and off since 2015. The other one I met at an institute class. And the last one I've know since 2012 that we've secretly had a thing for but he is so hot/cold and older and all about his "routine" and I think it's a pathetic excuse for being alone for the rest of his life. I feel sorry for him, actually. He'll never know love...passionate, unconditional, beautiful, maddening, compassionate, and a zillion other adjectives LOVE. True love. His loss. All of their losses.

What is wrong with men these days? They all want one thing and one thing only: they see me a beautiful, gorgeous face with a lovely body and you know what they want next... me. To use me and check me off their lists of conquests. They promise love, forever, marriage. At least the 2015 one. It's all bullshit and lies (excuse my language but after his behavior you would validate my use of profanity). What happened to chivalry, hopeless romance, romance in general, men who want forever, I may not be your first but why can't I be your last? Is love really dead? Is it all a lie? I refuse to settle for broken promises and one night stands. No boy will use me for sick twisted pleasure. I want a best friend who loves me for me in spite of the past and everything. I want a man who will love me as much as I love him. A giver and taker just like me. Equality. Pure, sweet, beautiful, passionate, compassionate, maddening, gorgeous, mind blowing, unconditional, spiritual, all of you love. I WILL NEVER SETTLE AGAIN. I hate myself for losing my first love. We were the closest thing to perfect for one another. However, I was young and listened to all the voices of family and friends instead of my heart and lost him 10 years ago and he will never be back... I have to believe in fate though. Everything happens for a reason. Then there was my abusive temple marriage. Two years of hell. It started out so romantic and lovely and everything I thought I wanted. He was a sweetheart turned into a stranger who hurt me in every possible way. And cheated. The only serious relationship I've had since was with 2015 boy. He's actually a man about 9 years older than me. But his name doesn't deserve to be spoken. He's a coward. A liar. Selfish. I can't believe I fell for his sweet nothings. NEVER AGAIN.

Anyways, we meditated for an hour today and it was so profound...

I discovered there is one thing you cannot buy with all the money in the world, you could spend forever searching and chasing and trying desperately to find it and force it, you can wish on stars til you're blue in the face but you are wasting your time... what is this thing I'm talking about in the twenty first century where everything is available at our fingertips or if you have the money and means?

L O V E

or 

spelled backwards

E V O L

You cannot fight fate. 

Love finds you... when you least expect it. When you aren't looking for it. I believe all I can do is pray to my Heavenly Father that he will lead my future husband to me and continue to live my best life doing what I love and being the best me and advancing with my two jobs and school and writing and if (and I pray with all of me if) love really does exist still in these modern times, He will lead him into my life if I am patient and doing my thing. Making my own happiness. I had a life coach once named Todd Sylvester (Google him he is AMAZING. LIFE CHANGING.) He taught me one of the most important lessons of my life. 

He told me in his office one day as I was crying over loneliness,

"Charley, I love my wife with all my heart, but she doesn't make me happy."

I looked at him like he was insane. Who says that?

Then he said this:

"Don't get me wrong, I love her. She is the love of my life. She enhances my happiness. But I make myself happy. If I wasn't happy on my own, I couldn't be happy with her. You have to be able to be happy by yourself in order to love someone. No one can make you happy but you."

And that lesson changed my life forever.

Thank you to my dear friend Payden for reminding me of this lesson. He was also in treatment with me and saw Todd. It's the truth. You make yourself happy. Then you can be happy with another person. So be happy. Choose happiness. Fight for it. Ignore the haters or naysayers. Be happy everyday. 

I love you all. You are loved. 

"You might not recognize her anymore. Things were different now, she was beginning to make sense of who she was becoming. Sure, it took some time to get here, and maybe she took a few ill advised turns. But the long way isn't always the wrong way. Her route, her rules. Everything that made her beautiful, made her slightly terrifying. She would challenge you, sweet lipped, but with a look that was deliberate.  A gaze with weight, that meant something. Some things can't just be singular. And when they change, it's because they have to. Not to fit in, or stand out, but to survive. You might not have a say in that, or even make sense of it. But she gets it. She understands that she really can be whoever she wants to be, so long as she stays herself. She felt for things, and people, and her dreams wholeheartedly. Some carry so much conviction, and life, that they're never truly alone. You won't take that from her."

-J. Raymond

"I love the way she survived. Survival looked good on her. There were no dark marks under her eyes. Maybe deep inside, but I liked the way she looked through them and laughed at life. She did it gracefully. She'd walked over glass and through fire, but still smiled. And, honestly, I'm not interested in people who haven't lived and died a few times. Who haven't yet had their heart ripped out, or know what it feels like to lose everything. I trust those people, because they stand for something. I knew what she'd been through."

-J. Raymond

"She's falling in love with herself again she's learning once more what it means to be happy on her own."

-r.h Sin

"And maybe, for now, a happy ending doesn't include a relationship. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on."

"You are not his princess.

You are your own queen."

-Nikita Gill

"Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself."

"There's so much more to life than being sad over someone who doesn't. There's a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself and it doesn't need to be empty or painful. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, write on bathroom stalls, sit in a coffee shop on your own, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love. Life for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn't any less beautiful, I promise."

-Emery Allen

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."

-Lucille Ball

"Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love."

-Brene Brown

"Why should we worry about what others think of us, do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own?"

-Brigham Young

<W/L3

Charley Brooke

To Create a Masterpiece You Must Master Peace

Permanent pause

Waiting for applause

Without a cause

A sea of naus

Reign whether rain or shine

The girl you "knew"

She's gone forever

I rise anew

You thought you were clever

She's severed ties of poison and lies

Because darling you didn't realize

You had everything in your arms

And you don't cause angels harm

She's ringing the alarm

When I love you isn't enough

You have three choices

Let it take you over rough

Poker face and keep up a bluff

Add "er" to the suff

Or listen to the voices

That tell you hold on

One day you will belong

Your song will be sung

There is fault in our stars

All we can do is make this time ours

Reality hits me like closed doors

At the realization I'll never be yours

Honey, you didn't break me

Can't you see?

She's dead.

And her words and love died unsaid

You all saw through her like ghost

Now you share stories of who loved her most

Her heart broke and shattered

To no one it mattered

It's effortless to pretend you care

When the life of the girl is no longer there

Why did you save her?

You think you did

She's half dead and in pain

She's a shell

Of life

You should've let her go

The sadness overflows

And in dreams she dies

And wakes up alive and cries.

The impossible dreams are lies.

-By me (C)

Alive Poets Society

I am more than anyone knows

None of the darkness around me can take me out

The brilliant, beautiful, blinding light that glows

inside of my heart displacing any doubt

When life gives you lemons, you. . .

I see love and my family in shades of white

Well why are you so blue?

We have to get down in these depths to appreciate the heights

I am worth it will always ring true

Who doesn't feel lonely once in a while whether it be lonely for a person, place, feeling, or thing? Sometimes we even feel alone in crowded rooms. Remember, the word alone has never lived inside the word lonely.

It's been a hell of a year for me [over a year]

A literal bit of hell

I didn't know how to bring back the heaven I built on Earth.

I felt surrounded by darkness that would be my constant and only companion.

People all around me tried to tell me that one day things would change. I would find the light again. I didn't want to listen though or more like I couldn't. When you're in the middle of grief it's like you're on another planet and nothing around you makes any sense. It's something you have to get through, push through, endure, fight. There is no shortcut and no way around it.

The light is inside of us.

I am the light.

You are the light.

We are the light.

We chase and search and claw for light like it's something we can find outside of us in someone else or in something. The reality is the light is inside of us all along. The problem is sometimes we let people dim our light to the point where we can't see it or feel it, but it's always there. Always. We are made of light. We have to nourish and feed that light. We can't neglect it. The best, beautiful secret is the more we share our light, the lighter and brighter it grows and glows.

One day, recently, I woke up and could breathe again. I began to not only like but love myself again. I realize I cannot change the past... nor do I want to. All I can change is myself. Now. This moment. I love me. Do I want to fall in love again and find my love story? I'd be a complete and utter liar if I told you anything but a resounding, roaring YES. I hope and pray that there's a man out there who will love and want me someday for forever. 

For now though, I'm surrendering and giving my heart to Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. They love me more than anyone. I am also surrounded by endless, unconditional love from my amazing-in-every-possible-unimaginable-magical way family and friends. And oh my goodness, how I love them all. In the words of my spirit animal Taylor Swift: "She lost him and found herself and somehow that was everything."

That is everything.

I SAVE ME.

(along with the Savior, of course)

I am ready

to take life in my hands (good&bad)

and make it beautiful and mine.

ONE [WON] YEAR LATER

SURVIVOR noun

a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have [or would have] died

a person who copes well with difficulties in their life

SURVIVE [SURVIVING] verb

to remain alive or in existence

to continue to function or prosper 

continue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship

Lovelies... can you believe H E R E W E S T A N D one year later?

It's a miracle.

I am a miracle.

You are a miracle.

This is proof of miracles.

To those of you just tuning in,

One year ago today on a seemingly normal sunny day on June 23, 2016, I attempted suicide via gun.

I shot myself twice . . . and died. 

It wasn't my time so with God and tireless work from the trauma team, I was brought back to life and survived.

What a year it's been...

I am A L I V E

{more than that}

I am L I V I N G

&&

L O V I N G

Today I have been pondering the difference between being a "survivor" and "surviving".

For the record, I am both.

Yes I survived a GSW (gunshot wound). Two actually, And the wreckage, carnage, and blood loss they inflicted on my body,

I survived rape.

I survived unspeakable domestic violence.

I survived adultery.

I survived a nightmare disguised as a fairytale. 

I survived darkness that would make you shutter.

I survived the loss of my ability to have children at the tender age of twenty three.

I've survived scrutiny, judgment, harsh words thrown like stones, looks that could kill, and bullying.

I've survived dozens of surgeries.

I've survived pain that couldn't be measured on the standard pain scale.

I've survived loss and tragedy and broken homes and hopelessness and obliterated dreams. 

None of the above defines me.

Lets get that clear.

I don't wear the word survivor as a metal for all to bask and cheer and celebrate me. I don't wear that word as an adjective to describe me. 

Yes, I survived.

But, I am still surviving. 

I am surviving. As long as I am alive--heart beating, head dreaming, soul feeling, lungs breathing--I will be surviving. It's a verb I use every second of every day. I am surviving all of those things and more. I am surviving depression, loneliness, trials, bumps in the road, hell, fear, every-day-run-of-the-mill-human-issues, insecurity, body image, etc every day. I am surviving. 

I WILL NOT STOP.

That is what makes all the difference.

The comeback is always stronger than the setback.

To celebrate this, to celebrate me surviving, my gorgeous-in-every-damn-way, STRONG, surviving, friend was the photographer to my model last night. We had an epic, fun, sunset, bonding, photoshoot. I have to give a BIG shout out to Cheyenne Ryan Hebert. She is such an inspiration to me. All the credit of these beautiful images goes to that lovely woman.

our scars remind us that the past is real & the future is worth it

"The wound is the place where the light enters you."

-rumi

She's the type of girl that can have anybody but she can't be had. Like a number with a missing digit, or a story unwritten. And she left her impression on you, like lipstick on a napkin, and in an old song's chorus you'd always know the words to. Go for the girl that's always been around, who's seen the way the world crumbles but also knows how to piece it back together. She's not the easy route or smooth sailing. She's a hailstorm in an open field. A back alley tsunami. A mirage, an uncut diamond, the perfect mistake, and a million other impossibilities. Understand rarity doesn't exist under every stone, or around each corner. She's selective, not from a level of superiority. It's a self worth thing. Think twice, move swiftly, kiss deeply, and don't back down. She can be proven--right or wrong. That's up to you.

I dare disturb the universe. 

"Look through the pain, the heartache, or the waiting and see, for the first time all that lies beyond."

-Tyler Knott Gregson

"The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing to find the place where all the beauty came from."

-C.S. Lewis

"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."

-Anne Frank

I don't pay attention to the

world ending,

it has ended for me

many times

and began again in the morning.

You don't find happiness from living your life looking ahead of back... You find it when you look around.

the beauty of a girl cannot be mimicked, fabricated, or created by human means it only occurs naturally

say you'll remember me, standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset, babe. 

red lips and rosy cheeks, say you'll remember me even if it's just in your wildest dreams.

"The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't meet finally somewhere. They're in each other all along."

-rumi

I'm going to make everything around me beautiful--that will be my life.

Know if depression is the verse then hope is the chorus.

I know sometimes you wonder about me.

when i was drowning, that's when i could finally breathe

she always had that about her, that look of otherness, of eyes that see things much too far, and of thought that wander off the edge of the world.

"I think the tiniest little thing can change the course of your day, which can change the course of your day, which can change the course of your year, which can change who you are."

-Taylor Alison Swift

some walks you have to take alone.

"I want to believe in it all again... fate and love, and I want to believe that I've made the right choices, and I'm still on the right path, and there's still time to fix some mistakes. I guess I want hope."

-Peyton Sawyer

Don't walk through your toughest day alone. We're in this together.

God knows you perfectly. He loves you perfectly. He knows what your future holds.

perhaps you were born for such a time as this

there is nothing beautiful

about the wreckage of a human being

there is nothing pretty

about damage

about pain

about heartache

what is beautiful is

their strength,

their resilience,

their fortitude,

as they display an ocean of courage

when they pick through the wreckage of their life

to build something beautiful brand new,

against every odd

that is stacked against them.

time will break all of the old habits and create new ones for you, and in the process, you will try to handle this immense pain with dignity.

In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she simply changed directions, and kept going.

heavy is the crown and yet she wears it as if it were a feather. there is a strength in her heart. determination in her eyes and the will to survive resides within her soul. she is you, a warrior, a champion, a fighter, a queen [a badass princess].

it's all going to be okay. none of us know how our lives are going to turn out. and i think it's best that way.

"That was the way I decided to go on with my life. Not looking for anything, not necessarily being open to anything, and only being open to the idea that, if I found someone who would never try to change me, that would be the only person I could fall in love with. Because, you know, I was in love with my life."

-Taylor Alison Swift

we

will

survive

lovelies

because

we

are

worth

it

and

our

dreams

are

NOT

impossible.

xoxo

-C

The Scarlet Letter[s]

Scarlet Letters

Definition: A visible symbol of something you have done and regretted, or a stigma of past mistake you made that follows you.

A stigma someone bears for a misdeed he or she has committed (sometimes against their will). The term refers to an ongoing, public shame forced upon a person as a means of ostracizing him or her. 

"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom."

-Nathanial Hawthorne

"Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? Under the shadow of our steeples. With all the lost and lonely people searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me. If judgment looms under every steeple. If lofty glances from lofty people who can't see past her scarlet letter. And never even meet her."

"We show off our different scarlet letters.

Trust me mine is better.

Cause baby I could build a castle out of all the bricks they threw at me.

And everyday is like a battle.

Baby we're the n e w r o m a n t i c s. 

Come on, come along with me.

Heartbreak is the national anthem.

We sing it proudly.

Please take my hand &

please take me dancing.

It's so romantic."

-Taylor Swift, New Romantics

Don't let who you were talk you out of who you are becoming.

"Our flaws almost make us greater."

-Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

 When I was in therapy, my therapist made me do a "Masks Assignment" that reminded me of the Scarlet Letters we bear like weights nearly suffocating whether people assign us with them or we perceive them as such. These were my masks and my explanations...

The "Not Enough"/Scarlet Letters-Labels Mask

This mask seems permanent. It scares me. It represents all of the negative labels I carry in my heart to describe myself or how others see me. These labels spread through my blood like poison. It feels like these labels are tattooed all over my head, face, and body making it impossible for anyone to see the real Charley. The good. The strong badass princess. Labels like "Not good enough", "Not pretty enough", "Divorced", "Unable to have kids", "Depressed", "Failure", "Survivor of a Suicide Attempt", etc. This entails beating myself up so badly that if someone else tries to it won't hurt as much. It's been a game where I'm my own judge, jury, and executioner... over and over. It's involved putting up walls around me and my heart so tall they nearly reach the stars. I keep people out. I'm quiet because I fear rejection and ridicule. I use this mask like a safety blanket. I use to think it helping me by shutting people out to avoid more heartache. Now I know it's not true. This mask does way more harm than good. It causes me and my glimmer of self worth to decrease rather than increase. Scarlet letters like a noose.

The Conformity People Pleasing Mask

This mask stems from a fear of rejection and conflict. It's like I want everyone to like me and think good things about me even though you can't control other people's thoughts, feelings, and opinions. I'm not fake, but I am rarely completely real unless you're family or a close friend. While this mask has helped me avoid drama and contention, it's kept me from fully experiencing my true emotions and thoughts and expressing them. I've tended to put others needs before my own. I don't give in to peer pressure or things that go against my values. I feel like I have to be like and agree with other people in order for them to like and accept me. I am working on being my full authentic self, unapologetic, because I want people in my life who love me for me.

The Fake Smile, Always Positive, Pretend Everything's Perfect Mask

This mask began in childhood when my parents got divorced. As the oldest child, I felt I was the one who had to stay strong even when everything was going wrong. By repressing the bad emotions, you also suppress the good, the happiness. I have to fake smile. I feel like I always have had to pretend everything is just perfect and force positivity or they assume I'm not okay. This has been the most challenging mask to shed. 

No Mask

I am happy I am now the real and genuine Charley--no masks!  

This is the hardest, most difficult thing I've ever I've ever been through. It's the worst kind of trial, but I'm also realizing that this is the best kind of blessing. He [my ex husband] almost ended my life. . . and I saved it. 

This marriage would've never ended in happily ever after.

In the midst of this, I've felt feelings of utter worthlessness. I've felt like I am such a stupid girl. I've felt like I ruined my life. I've told myself no on will ever love me again. I'll be branded with the letter "D" carried around my neck for all to see; the divorced girl whose marriage lasted less than a year. Of "F"  for failure. A million other similar words. People are going to think what they want. The only judge that matters is Heavenly Father and the Savior. They, like me, know the truth. 

I know the truth sets you free.

No matter how many lies you try to bury it with, you can never hide the truth.

Truth is still absolute. Believe that. Know it. Even when the truth is hard and cold and more painful that you've ever imagined. And even when truth is more cruel that any lie. One letter I'll never bear is "G" for guilty.

I am not perfect.

I've never claimed to be. 

I am honest and innocent though;

with a perfect brightness of hope

I feel a responsibility to do what's upstanding and right.

I've heard whispers and people pointing out my flaws like I don't already see them.

Here's the thing... I refuse to let anything, anyone, and/or any situation take my progress away from me. When I just took my life back and made it mine. Who I was will never be who I am. My recovery and hard work, dreams and dedication to rebuilt a life worth living come first. Until you help yourself, you're no good to others. I am full of unconditional love, forgiveness, and support for all of my family and friends and you lovelies all of the time. However, I have to protect the positivity and light within me from any negativity and darkness caused by poor, careless decisions, actions, and words of others. 

I can't change others nor can you.

I am changing myself every day and trying to set a good example. 

While I am unable to change others (as much as I wish I could), I hope my story of my triumphs, rising above tragedies, overcoming trials, strengthening testimony, and transformation can inspire the world to change. 

There are so many things that amaze me such as life in general--the fragility, the possibility, the wonder, the beauty, the potential--that to list them all would be an impossible task like counting every single star in the galaxy. 

I have found love again that defies the past, the imperfections, the loneliness, the unfairness, the mistakes, the heartbreak, the hate, hurt, and negativity of others around me trying to destroy me and rob me of all the hope, happiness, love, light, progress, and positivity inside me, the fears that haunt me, and the excruciating, soul crippling, unbearable physical pain that was killing me second by waking second.

I am in love with myself.

The girl I've become and the girl I'm becoming. I love me. I love life. I love my life, this new blank canvas of a life I am living, building, and creating day by day, moment by moment.

Depression blinds you to the beauty of life and the miracle and purpose of it all.

It makes you forget how much you love life--even when it's bad, sad, confusing, and downright tragic.

Apathy takes over your heart. Fear hijacks your mind. Despair and misery slowly suck the life right out of you. This is just a basic description of what depression feels like.

My point is with the gospel, God, therapy, positive coping skills, good habits, time, and support from family and friends, I've conquered my depression, chose happiness, and took my life back.

Hope is always there and waiting to be found.

You may be lost, but hope never is.

The key is faith. Fear is the opposite of faith. Sometimes we hide behind our fears because we're afraid of change or failure. The truth is that faith is stronger than the whole world's fears combined. If we have faith, we need not fear. I choose faith. I have faith. In the words of Dieter F. Uchtdorf: "Faith is trust--trust that God sees what we cannot and that He knows what we do not. The purpose of faith is not to change God's will but to empower us to act on God's will. In the end everything will make sense. Faith comes to the humble, the diligent, the enduring. It comes to those who pay the price of faithfulness."

I AM NOT REPAIRED.

I AM NEW.

The people who brand us with these flaming, burning, searing scarlet letters are hurt people.

Hurt people hurt people.

That's how pain patterns get passed on, generation after generation after generation.

Break the chain today.

Meet anger with sympathy,

contempt with compassion,

cruelty with kindness.

Greet grimaces with smiles.

Forgive and forget about finding fault.

Love is the weapon of the future.

"Let someone love you just the way you are--as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are "broken", out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room."

-Mark Hack

"You need to learn to let go of whatever it is that makes you think you're not good enough. Because that's how you're gonna beat this. When you learn that you matter."

-One Tree Hill

THIS: "Tell me every terrible thing you ever did, and let me love you anyway."

-Sade Andria Zabala

"God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there."

-Thomas S. Monson

"Dismiss whatever insults your own soul."

-Walt Whitman

"There is no statute of limitations on starting over. Re-invent yourself every day. Be the girl who walks barefoot and listens to the blues. Tomorrow, wear a trench coat and speak fierce truths. Be a phoenix. Be ashes. Burn down. Resurrect. Let go of the idea that you must always be who you have always been."

"Confidence is silent. Insecurities are loud."

"Who you are is who you choose to be. Whispers behind your back don't define you. You are the one who gets to decide what you will be remembered for."

-TAYLOR SWIFT <3

 "You are good enough and God does care.

Love everyone. Including yourself.

Because when He thinks of you, He smiles.

Because you are OH SO beautiful in the eyes of God."

-Al Fox Carraway

 "The future holds everything for you."

-AFC

 "Isn't life the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?! It is enchanting and sad and lovely and breathtaking. It's what you make it. It's everything and more. I love life. I can't wait for the day when I find the right man to love and share it with."

-Me

THE BEST THING YOU CAN BE IS YOURSELF.

 "The happiest people I know are always evaluating and improving themselves. The unhappy people are usually evaluating and judging others."

 "It's really not good for your happiness or your state of mind to care so much about what people, who do not care about you, think about you."

-Taylor Swift

The only person who defines you is YOU.