ONE [WON] YEAR LATER

SURVIVOR noun

a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have [or would have] died

a person who copes well with difficulties in their life

SURVIVE [SURVIVING] verb

to remain alive or in existence

to continue to function or prosper 

continue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship

Lovelies... can you believe H E R E W E S T A N D one year later?

It's a miracle.

I am a miracle.

You are a miracle.

This is proof of miracles.

To those of you just tuning in,

One year ago today on a seemingly normal sunny day on June 23, 2016, I attempted suicide via gun.

I shot myself twice . . . and died. 

It wasn't my time so with God and tireless work from the trauma team, I was brought back to life and survived.

What a year it's been...

I am A L I V E

{more than that}

I am L I V I N G

&&

L O V I N G

Today I have been pondering the difference between being a "survivor" and "surviving".

For the record, I am both.

Yes I survived a GSW (gunshot wound). Two actually, And the wreckage, carnage, and blood loss they inflicted on my body,

I survived rape.

I survived unspeakable domestic violence.

I survived adultery.

I survived a nightmare disguised as a fairytale. 

I survived darkness that would make you shutter.

I survived the loss of my ability to have children at the tender age of twenty three.

I've survived scrutiny, judgment, harsh words thrown like stones, looks that could kill, and bullying.

I've survived dozens of surgeries.

I've survived pain that couldn't be measured on the standard pain scale.

I've survived loss and tragedy and broken homes and hopelessness and obliterated dreams. 

None of the above defines me.

Lets get that clear.

I don't wear the word survivor as a metal for all to bask and cheer and celebrate me. I don't wear that word as an adjective to describe me. 

Yes, I survived.

But, I am still surviving. 

I am surviving. As long as I am alive--heart beating, head dreaming, soul feeling, lungs breathing--I will be surviving. It's a verb I use every second of every day. I am surviving all of those things and more. I am surviving depression, loneliness, trials, bumps in the road, hell, fear, every-day-run-of-the-mill-human-issues, insecurity, body image, etc every day. I am surviving. 

I WILL NOT STOP.

That is what makes all the difference.

The comeback is always stronger than the setback.

To celebrate this, to celebrate me surviving, my gorgeous-in-every-damn-way, STRONG, surviving, friend was the photographer to my model last night. We had an epic, fun, sunset, bonding, photoshoot. I have to give a BIG shout out to Cheyenne Ryan Hebert. She is such an inspiration to me. All the credit of these beautiful images goes to that lovely woman.

our scars remind us that the past is real & the future is worth it

"The wound is the place where the light enters you."

-rumi

She's the type of girl that can have anybody but she can't be had. Like a number with a missing digit, or a story unwritten. And she left her impression on you, like lipstick on a napkin, and in an old song's chorus you'd always know the words to. Go for the girl that's always been around, who's seen the way the world crumbles but also knows how to piece it back together. She's not the easy route or smooth sailing. She's a hailstorm in an open field. A back alley tsunami. A mirage, an uncut diamond, the perfect mistake, and a million other impossibilities. Understand rarity doesn't exist under every stone, or around each corner. She's selective, not from a level of superiority. It's a self worth thing. Think twice, move swiftly, kiss deeply, and don't back down. She can be proven--right or wrong. That's up to you.

I dare disturb the universe. 

"Look through the pain, the heartache, or the waiting and see, for the first time all that lies beyond."

-Tyler Knott Gregson

"The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing to find the place where all the beauty came from."

-C.S. Lewis

"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."

-Anne Frank

I don't pay attention to the

world ending,

it has ended for me

many times

and began again in the morning.

You don't find happiness from living your life looking ahead of back... You find it when you look around.

the beauty of a girl cannot be mimicked, fabricated, or created by human means it only occurs naturally

say you'll remember me, standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset, babe. 

red lips and rosy cheeks, say you'll remember me even if it's just in your wildest dreams.

"The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't meet finally somewhere. They're in each other all along."

-rumi

I'm going to make everything around me beautiful--that will be my life.

Know if depression is the verse then hope is the chorus.

I know sometimes you wonder about me.

when i was drowning, that's when i could finally breathe

she always had that about her, that look of otherness, of eyes that see things much too far, and of thought that wander off the edge of the world.

"I think the tiniest little thing can change the course of your day, which can change the course of your day, which can change the course of your year, which can change who you are."

-Taylor Alison Swift

some walks you have to take alone.

"I want to believe in it all again... fate and love, and I want to believe that I've made the right choices, and I'm still on the right path, and there's still time to fix some mistakes. I guess I want hope."

-Peyton Sawyer

Don't walk through your toughest day alone. We're in this together.

God knows you perfectly. He loves you perfectly. He knows what your future holds.

perhaps you were born for such a time as this

there is nothing beautiful

about the wreckage of a human being

there is nothing pretty

about damage

about pain

about heartache

what is beautiful is

their strength,

their resilience,

their fortitude,

as they display an ocean of courage

when they pick through the wreckage of their life

to build something beautiful brand new,

against every odd

that is stacked against them.

time will break all of the old habits and create new ones for you, and in the process, you will try to handle this immense pain with dignity.

In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she simply changed directions, and kept going.

heavy is the crown and yet she wears it as if it were a feather. there is a strength in her heart. determination in her eyes and the will to survive resides within her soul. she is you, a warrior, a champion, a fighter, a queen [a badass princess].

it's all going to be okay. none of us know how our lives are going to turn out. and i think it's best that way.

"That was the way I decided to go on with my life. Not looking for anything, not necessarily being open to anything, and only being open to the idea that, if I found someone who would never try to change me, that would be the only person I could fall in love with. Because, you know, I was in love with my life."

-Taylor Alison Swift

we

will

survive

lovelies

because

we

are

worth

it

and

our

dreams

are

NOT

impossible.

xoxo

-C