E V O L

I had the biggest epiphany at work today at my second job.

I work as a mentor at a treatment center and that job is my heart.

Anyways... we were doing this meditating session.

I have been having the worst luck with matters of the heart and "men" (more like boys with their behavior or lack thereof).

You know me. Love is the definition of me. I love love more than anyone. I am a hopeless romantic. The hopeless-est hopeless romantic. My heart is so overflowing with love I cannot comprehend that it hasn't burst or broke after all the heartbreak I've suffered...

Well recently, I've had horror experiences with a few of these boys...

One from the past that was on and off since 2015. The other one I met at an institute class. And the last one I've know since 2012 that we've secretly had a thing for but he is so hot/cold and older and all about his "routine" and I think it's a pathetic excuse for being alone for the rest of his life. I feel sorry for him, actually. He'll never know love...passionate, unconditional, beautiful, maddening, compassionate, and a zillion other adjectives LOVE. True love. His loss. All of their losses.

What is wrong with men these days? They all want one thing and one thing only: they see me a beautiful, gorgeous face with a lovely body and you know what they want next... me. To use me and check me off their lists of conquests. They promise love, forever, marriage. At least the 2015 one. It's all bullshit and lies (excuse my language but after his behavior you would validate my use of profanity). What happened to chivalry, hopeless romance, romance in general, men who want forever, I may not be your first but why can't I be your last? Is love really dead? Is it all a lie? I refuse to settle for broken promises and one night stands. No boy will use me for sick twisted pleasure. I want a best friend who loves me for me in spite of the past and everything. I want a man who will love me as much as I love him. A giver and taker just like me. Equality. Pure, sweet, beautiful, passionate, compassionate, maddening, gorgeous, mind blowing, unconditional, spiritual, all of you love. I WILL NEVER SETTLE AGAIN. I hate myself for losing my first love. We were the closest thing to perfect for one another. However, I was young and listened to all the voices of family and friends instead of my heart and lost him 10 years ago and he will never be back... I have to believe in fate though. Everything happens for a reason. Then there was my abusive temple marriage. Two years of hell. It started out so romantic and lovely and everything I thought I wanted. He was a sweetheart turned into a stranger who hurt me in every possible way. And cheated. The only serious relationship I've had since was with 2015 boy. He's actually a man about 9 years older than me. But his name doesn't deserve to be spoken. He's a coward. A liar. Selfish. I can't believe I fell for his sweet nothings. NEVER AGAIN.

Anyways, we meditated for an hour today and it was so profound...

I discovered there is one thing you cannot buy with all the money in the world, you could spend forever searching and chasing and trying desperately to find it and force it, you can wish on stars til you're blue in the face but you are wasting your time... what is this thing I'm talking about in the twenty first century where everything is available at our fingertips or if you have the money and means?

L O V E

or 

spelled backwards

E V O L

You cannot fight fate. 

Love finds you... when you least expect it. When you aren't looking for it. I believe all I can do is pray to my Heavenly Father that he will lead my future husband to me and continue to live my best life doing what I love and being the best me and advancing with my two jobs and school and writing and if (and I pray with all of me if) love really does exist still in these modern times, He will lead him into my life if I am patient and doing my thing. Making my own happiness. I had a life coach once named Todd Sylvester (Google him he is AMAZING. LIFE CHANGING.) He taught me one of the most important lessons of my life. 

He told me in his office one day as I was crying over loneliness,

"Charley, I love my wife with all my heart, but she doesn't make me happy."

I looked at him like he was insane. Who says that?

Then he said this:

"Don't get me wrong, I love her. She is the love of my life. She enhances my happiness. But I make myself happy. If I wasn't happy on my own, I couldn't be happy with her. You have to be able to be happy by yourself in order to love someone. No one can make you happy but you."

And that lesson changed my life forever.

Thank you to my dear friend Payden for reminding me of this lesson. He was also in treatment with me and saw Todd. It's the truth. You make yourself happy. Then you can be happy with another person. So be happy. Choose happiness. Fight for it. Ignore the haters or naysayers. Be happy everyday. 

I love you all. You are loved. 

"You might not recognize her anymore. Things were different now, she was beginning to make sense of who she was becoming. Sure, it took some time to get here, and maybe she took a few ill advised turns. But the long way isn't always the wrong way. Her route, her rules. Everything that made her beautiful, made her slightly terrifying. She would challenge you, sweet lipped, but with a look that was deliberate.  A gaze with weight, that meant something. Some things can't just be singular. And when they change, it's because they have to. Not to fit in, or stand out, but to survive. You might not have a say in that, or even make sense of it. But she gets it. She understands that she really can be whoever she wants to be, so long as she stays herself. She felt for things, and people, and her dreams wholeheartedly. Some carry so much conviction, and life, that they're never truly alone. You won't take that from her."

-J. Raymond

"I love the way she survived. Survival looked good on her. There were no dark marks under her eyes. Maybe deep inside, but I liked the way she looked through them and laughed at life. She did it gracefully. She'd walked over glass and through fire, but still smiled. And, honestly, I'm not interested in people who haven't lived and died a few times. Who haven't yet had their heart ripped out, or know what it feels like to lose everything. I trust those people, because they stand for something. I knew what she'd been through."

-J. Raymond

"She's falling in love with herself again she's learning once more what it means to be happy on her own."

-r.h Sin

"And maybe, for now, a happy ending doesn't include a relationship. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on."

"You are not his princess.

You are your own queen."

-Nikita Gill

"Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself."

"There's so much more to life than being sad over someone who doesn't. There's a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself and it doesn't need to be empty or painful. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, write on bathroom stalls, sit in a coffee shop on your own, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love. Life for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn't any less beautiful, I promise."

-Emery Allen

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."

-Lucille Ball

"Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love."

-Brene Brown

"Why should we worry about what others think of us, do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own?"

-Brigham Young

<W/L3

Charley Brooke

The Trick To Holding On

The Trick To Holding On

-by Taylor Swift

[the American Queen to my American Princess]

Let go of the ones who hurt you

Let go of the ones you outgrow

Let go of the words they hurt your way

as you're walking out the door

The only thing cut and dry

In this hedge-maze life

Is the fact that their words will cut

but your tears will dry

They don't tell you this when you are young

You can't hold onto everything

Can't show up for everyone

You pick your poison

Or your cure

Phone numbers you know by heart

And the ones you don't answer anymore

Hold onto the faint recognition in

the eye of a stranger

As it catches you in its lustrous net

How quickly we become entwined

How wonderful it is to forget

All the times your intuition failed you

But it hasn't killed you yet

Hold on to childish whims and moonlight

Swims and your blazing self-respect

And if you drive the roads of this town

Ones you've gone down so many times before

Flashback to all the times

Life nearly ran you off the road

But tonight your hand is steady 

Suddenly you'll know

The trick to holding on

was all that letting go.

Quiet

Quiet -MILCK

Put on your face.
Know your place.

Shut up and smile.

Don't spread your legs.

I could do that.

But no one knows me no one ever will.

If I don't say something, if I just lie still.

Would I be that monster, scare them all away.

If I let them hear what I have to say.

I can't keep quiet, no oh oh oh oh oh oh

I can't keep quiet, no oh oh oh oh oh oh

A one woman riot, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

I can't keep quiet

For anyone

Anymore.

Cuz no one knows me no one ever will.

If I don't say anything, take that dry blue pill.

They may see that monster, they may run away.

But I have to do this.

Oh I can't keep quiet

*Let it out Let it out now*

*Let it out now*

There'll be someone who understands

*Let it out Let it out now*

*Let it out now*

Must be someone who'll understand.

*Let it out Let it out now*

*Let it out now*

There'll be someone who understands.

*Let it out Let it out now*

I can't keep quiet, no oh oh oh oh oh oh 

I can't keep quiet.

No, I won't keep quiet.

It's Not Going To Be Easy. It's Going To Be Really Hard. Because I Want You...

Don't give up on love because you still haven't met me yet.

Everything has changed and yet, I am more me than I've ever been.

 I'm in love with Ryan Gosling. Watching The Notebook. Does love like that really exist?

"The lights are waiting

with the music in the streets.

The love is coming."

-Tyler Knott Gregson

"Everybody's dying to be somebody else, but I'll live my life if it kills me."

-e.e. cummings

Everything's a risk. Not doing anything is a risk. It's up to you.

SPOILER ALERT: Love is worth everything. Everything.

Never accept less than you deserve. Hold out for someone who treats you like gold, believes in you on good days and bad days, and who is your best friend.

Your heart knows things your mind can't explain.

Have you ever noticed how different people treat their hearts?

There are those who drag their hearts behind them in the dirt, those who only let their hearts out on special occasions and of course, those who force themselves into believing that they have no heart at all.

But I will always have an affinity with the people who toss their hearts into the mess of someone else's DNA. They tell me I am a romantic, but it's only because I believe in love. And the realization that the lines and edges of our bodies or the sudden stop of our hearts, are not where we end--in love, we are e n d l e s s.

A year ago today 12/7/11; I wrote this about love... six years ago

"I'm 22 and love is all I want. My heart is bursting at the seams. Why do I want love, to fall in love and be in love forever? I wish more than anything that someone would just rip my stupid hopeless, hopeless romantic heart out and replace it with one that just didn't care about love, didn't feel missing without it, didn't drive me insane. Why do I want the one thing I can't have? No matter how hard I try I can't get over it or accept it's not ever going to happen, at least not for me, and is a mere dream. They say all you need is love. I'm hard wired for it and it will be my downfall."

Lets come back to reality; 12/7/17

"I know what it's like to miss someone. I know what it's like to miss the past, to wish you could go back in time. But you need to realize that you can't. You can't miss it anymore, because you can't go back. You can only go forward. You need to stop building the memories up in your head, and see them for what they really were. A few great days surrounded by a lot of terrible, abusive, heartbreaking ones. And you need to realize that you deserve someone who makes everyday great, loves you unconditionally, and would NEVER harm you in any way. As a single woman (or man), you can only wonder about the man (or woman) you will someday marry. But God knows exactly who he (or she) is. He designed everything about them from their hair color to the smallest quirks of their character. God knows exactly what challenges you will face in your life together, every romantic moment you'll enjoy together and every fight you'll struggle through. Just think how amazing our dreams would be if instead of making them up for ourselves, we asked God to give us a glimpse of His dreams for us. Those dreams have all the benefit of being true and all the certainty of being fulfilled.
I understand why we get stuck sometimes. TRUST ME. Hearts are stubborn. They sink their hooks into bad habits that look like people and dreams. But look at how much we give of ourselves. Our most precious gifts handed over to another who may, or may not, value them as much as we do. Have you ever heard someone fall asleep? Or watched someone break down? There's so few people in this world that can completely forgive you. The people that get you to believe it's actually all worth it, and don't flinch when you look them in the eyes, never waver, and make a bed more comfortable. Who tell you you're the most beautiful human in existence and you know with every fiber of your being they mean it. So when you find them, you, in a way, lose yourself. But know this: you will always be too much for anyone not enough. Somewhere out there is someone who'll bring pieces of you home. And you'll realize that losing everything is the only way to figure out what's worth finding.
Until then, love yourself! Relentless... imperfections and all. Because you're perfectly you. You are worth it and worthy. You deserve love. And it starts from within. Love your life. Today. This moment. Now. You're whole right now. 
They expect you to quit by now, but you haven't. I haven't. We won't quit either. We have won too many trials to fall now. Many of our experience resemble war, but our responses resemble God's favor. Whenever you start to feel weak, remember what you have surpassed, and it will essentially empower you all over again. That's the blessing in battles: you can let them overcome you or you can make them strengthen you.
Wait for the one who betters you. Somebody you inspires you and encourages you in love and in life, who pushes you towards your dreams and goals you'd otherwise ignore, who selflessly sacrifices their time to help you become a more courageous well rounded and happy human being. That's sacred. That's love."

 I appreciate the things that are molding me into a better woman. Even if it hurts me or I don't understand it. I need it for who I'm becoming.

Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.

I have put up my walls and I have turned off the lights. I am hiding. I crave for you to find me amongst the darkness; if you can do that then you have found the real me.

... that's the most beautiful thing in the world when two people become fluent in choosing one another.

Lets spend the years together, finding things to love and eating good food. Lets get married and dance to our favorite songs, maybe you will laugh at how badly I dance yet you will love the willingness I have to learn. Lets get groceries, ride bikes and just enjoy the simple things in life. Lets be spontaneous and put all our belongings in the car and drive to the coast. Lets be surprised by the joy of children and live to raise them right. Lets live each day, falling in love all over again. Lets be together in our old age, laughing at the frustration of our youth. Lets kiss each other good night so that we do not forget the power of a kiss.

"You are the poem I never knew how to write and this life is the story I have always wanted to tell."
-Tyler Knott Gregson

There will be dozens of people who will take your breath away but the one who reminds you to breathe is the one you should keep.

 "If they don't like you for being yourself, be yourself even more."
-Taylor Swift

You alone are the greatest story ever told.

Love always, lovelies.
XX,
C

P.S. MAJOR shout out to some of the most beautiful women I've had the honor of meeting who made today's photoshoot possible and magical and lovely.
First, my make up artist Vanessa... Find her on Instagram: @glamfab_nessa
&
The extraordinary, breathtakingly stunning, angel Keitra Jane. She looks like Taylor Swift's identical twin but prettier... and that's saying something! She is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside and working with her this evening was pure magic.
Find Keitra's photography business on Instagram: @xoxokeitrajane

Problem [Ariana Grande]

"Look closer, and you'll see something extraordinary, mystifying... something real and true... We have never been what we've seemed."

-Z: A Novel of Zelda Fitzgerald

Okay lovelies, in between a 24 hour Taylor Swift reputation binge, I did some time traveling (reading in old journals what I did on this day in history) and came across a story I couldn't resist sharing.

"I am always worried about being judged by others. After I shared this fear with my therapist, he literally LOL'd (laughed out loud). He explained that most people, especially him, weren't judging me, and I was being too hard and judgmental on myself. He feels it's unfounded shame based and stems from a deep seeded belief that I'm "not enough". He went on to say that my problems weren't too big and that people that matter won't care or hold anything against me and that those were the people worth holding onto. He said as for anyone else that does judge or criticize me; they aren't worth my time or energy or me. He started to go on about a song about that. I was sitting there thinking 'Oh great, he's going to play some old-timey, impossibly optimistic song from way back when [mind you he was probably only in his late 40s early 50s]. I forced a smile. Then he had me LOL-ing when he finally remembered how the song went and actually started singing it, belting 'I've got one less problem without cha.' by Ariana Grande and Izzy Azalea! Haha! I was not expecting that. That was probably my best session with him.

I smile a little [lot] more lately. I am filled with hope and a light that won't be dulled or extinguished. I'm a force unlike any other. I'm starting to love myself as I rebuild myself into the best Charley. I can be the amazing girl wonder. I'm creating my own happiness and no one can take it from me. I am strong, beautiful, kind, fun, and intelligent. I'm worth it. [and SO ARE YOU!]"

-Me, 11/11/2017 (one year ago)

Therapists say the darndest things!

Well lovelies, sleep is calling my name... so is obsessing over Taylor Swift's reputation and the two magazines volume I and II. I have no words for her genius, talent, and impossible-ness. Slaylor. 

She is the American Queen to my USA Princess.

T-Swift and C-Swift.

Seriously, drop everything now and go buy her new CD and magazines at Target. They are earth shattering, mind blowing, and breathtaking... I promise I'm not biased just because I'm like the biggest Swiftie in existence..

You know a reputation blog post will be coming soon...

<W/L3

C-Swift

"You have to leave before you get left."

-T Swizzle

A Taste of Your Own Medicine

 "No mater what happens in life, be good to people. Being good to people is a wonderful legacy to leave behind."

-Taylor Alison Swift

A Taste of Your Own Medicine

Don't give them a taste of their own medicine. They already know what it feels like. Give them a taste of YOUR own medicine. If they lied, let your medicine be maturity. If they lied, let your medicine be honesty. If they played with your emotions, let your medicine be maturity. If they broke you, let your medicine heal. If they made you cry, let your medicine make them smile. These remedies of yours may take years to work, but they work. And they last. So be patient. Stay true to yourself. And remember this: it is better for people to value you for who you are, not for who you pretend to be. Who you are lasts a lifetime. A forever. Who you pretend to be changes like the seasons. Don't be afraid to be yourself, even if it means removing yourself from lives that you want to be in. You are, no doubt, worthy of being valued for who you are. So be who you are. The beautiful. The kind. The lover.  

I hope that someday when I am gone, someone, somewhere, picks my soul up off these words, and my book, my journals, the pages and thinks 'I would have loved her.

"Kindness is one of the most underrated trials in the world. We focus so much on material things and attention, but forget that it is kindness that brings us a fulfillment that warms our soul."

"When you hear people make hateful comments, stand up to them. Point out what a waste it is to hate and you could open their eyes."

-Taylor Swift

"My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who you are, to astonish a mean world with your kindness."

-Maya Angelou

"... Atticus, he was real nice..."

"Most people are, Scout, when you finally see them."

-To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

"Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone... just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had."

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

"Happiness is the new rich.

Inner peace is the new success.

Health is the new wealth.

Kindness is the new cool."

"Choose calm over chaos.

Serenity over stress.

Peace over perfection.

Grace over grit.

Faith over fear."

"The key to happiness?

Focus on your own journey & spread kindness, love, & hope."

"Happiness is not easy to find running straight for it. It is usually too elusive, too ephemeral, too subtle. If you haven't learned it already, you will learn it in the years ahead that most times happiness comes to us when we are least expecting it, when we are busy doing something else. Happiness is almost always a by product of some other endeavor."

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

"Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on."

"There's no lemon so sour that you can't make something resembling lemonade."

-This Is Us

Smile at strangers, lovelies.

We are all in this together.

<W/L3 C