The Trick To Holding On

The Trick To Holding On

-by Taylor Swift

[the American Queen to my American Princess]

Let go of the ones who hurt you

Let go of the ones you outgrow

Let go of the words they hurt your way

as you're walking out the door

The only thing cut and dry

In this hedge-maze life

Is the fact that their words will cut

but your tears will dry

They don't tell you this when you are young

You can't hold onto everything

Can't show up for everyone

You pick your poison

Or your cure

Phone numbers you know by heart

And the ones you don't answer anymore

Hold onto the faint recognition in

the eye of a stranger

As it catches you in its lustrous net

How quickly we become entwined

How wonderful it is to forget

All the times your intuition failed you

But it hasn't killed you yet

Hold on to childish whims and moonlight

Swims and your blazing self-respect

And if you drive the roads of this town

Ones you've gone down so many times before

Flashback to all the times

Life nearly ran you off the road

But tonight your hand is steady 

Suddenly you'll know

The trick to holding on

was all that letting go.

It's Not Going To Be Easy. It's Going To Be Really Hard. Because I Want You...

Don't give up on love because you still haven't met me yet.

Everything has changed and yet, I am more me than I've ever been.

 I'm in love with Ryan Gosling. Watching The Notebook. Does love like that really exist?

"The lights are waiting

with the music in the streets.

The love is coming."

-Tyler Knott Gregson

"Everybody's dying to be somebody else, but I'll live my life if it kills me."

-e.e. cummings

Everything's a risk. Not doing anything is a risk. It's up to you.

SPOILER ALERT: Love is worth everything. Everything.

Never accept less than you deserve. Hold out for someone who treats you like gold, believes in you on good days and bad days, and who is your best friend.

Your heart knows things your mind can't explain.

Have you ever noticed how different people treat their hearts?

There are those who drag their hearts behind them in the dirt, those who only let their hearts out on special occasions and of course, those who force themselves into believing that they have no heart at all.

But I will always have an affinity with the people who toss their hearts into the mess of someone else's DNA. They tell me I am a romantic, but it's only because I believe in love. And the realization that the lines and edges of our bodies or the sudden stop of our hearts, are not where we end--in love, we are e n d l e s s.

A year ago today 12/7/11; I wrote this about love... six years ago

"I'm 22 and love is all I want. My heart is bursting at the seams. Why do I want love, to fall in love and be in love forever? I wish more than anything that someone would just rip my stupid hopeless, hopeless romantic heart out and replace it with one that just didn't care about love, didn't feel missing without it, didn't drive me insane. Why do I want the one thing I can't have? No matter how hard I try I can't get over it or accept it's not ever going to happen, at least not for me, and is a mere dream. They say all you need is love. I'm hard wired for it and it will be my downfall."

Lets come back to reality; 12/7/17

"I know what it's like to miss someone. I know what it's like to miss the past, to wish you could go back in time. But you need to realize that you can't. You can't miss it anymore, because you can't go back. You can only go forward. You need to stop building the memories up in your head, and see them for what they really were. A few great days surrounded by a lot of terrible, abusive, heartbreaking ones. And you need to realize that you deserve someone who makes everyday great, loves you unconditionally, and would NEVER harm you in any way. As a single woman (or man), you can only wonder about the man (or woman) you will someday marry. But God knows exactly who he (or she) is. He designed everything about them from their hair color to the smallest quirks of their character. God knows exactly what challenges you will face in your life together, every romantic moment you'll enjoy together and every fight you'll struggle through. Just think how amazing our dreams would be if instead of making them up for ourselves, we asked God to give us a glimpse of His dreams for us. Those dreams have all the benefit of being true and all the certainty of being fulfilled.
I understand why we get stuck sometimes. TRUST ME. Hearts are stubborn. They sink their hooks into bad habits that look like people and dreams. But look at how much we give of ourselves. Our most precious gifts handed over to another who may, or may not, value them as much as we do. Have you ever heard someone fall asleep? Or watched someone break down? There's so few people in this world that can completely forgive you. The people that get you to believe it's actually all worth it, and don't flinch when you look them in the eyes, never waver, and make a bed more comfortable. Who tell you you're the most beautiful human in existence and you know with every fiber of your being they mean it. So when you find them, you, in a way, lose yourself. But know this: you will always be too much for anyone not enough. Somewhere out there is someone who'll bring pieces of you home. And you'll realize that losing everything is the only way to figure out what's worth finding.
Until then, love yourself! Relentless... imperfections and all. Because you're perfectly you. You are worth it and worthy. You deserve love. And it starts from within. Love your life. Today. This moment. Now. You're whole right now. 
They expect you to quit by now, but you haven't. I haven't. We won't quit either. We have won too many trials to fall now. Many of our experience resemble war, but our responses resemble God's favor. Whenever you start to feel weak, remember what you have surpassed, and it will essentially empower you all over again. That's the blessing in battles: you can let them overcome you or you can make them strengthen you.
Wait for the one who betters you. Somebody you inspires you and encourages you in love and in life, who pushes you towards your dreams and goals you'd otherwise ignore, who selflessly sacrifices their time to help you become a more courageous well rounded and happy human being. That's sacred. That's love."

 I appreciate the things that are molding me into a better woman. Even if it hurts me or I don't understand it. I need it for who I'm becoming.

Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.

I have put up my walls and I have turned off the lights. I am hiding. I crave for you to find me amongst the darkness; if you can do that then you have found the real me.

... that's the most beautiful thing in the world when two people become fluent in choosing one another.

Lets spend the years together, finding things to love and eating good food. Lets get married and dance to our favorite songs, maybe you will laugh at how badly I dance yet you will love the willingness I have to learn. Lets get groceries, ride bikes and just enjoy the simple things in life. Lets be spontaneous and put all our belongings in the car and drive to the coast. Lets be surprised by the joy of children and live to raise them right. Lets live each day, falling in love all over again. Lets be together in our old age, laughing at the frustration of our youth. Lets kiss each other good night so that we do not forget the power of a kiss.

"You are the poem I never knew how to write and this life is the story I have always wanted to tell."
-Tyler Knott Gregson

There will be dozens of people who will take your breath away but the one who reminds you to breathe is the one you should keep.

 "If they don't like you for being yourself, be yourself even more."
-Taylor Swift

You alone are the greatest story ever told.

Love always, lovelies.
XX,
C

P.S. MAJOR shout out to some of the most beautiful women I've had the honor of meeting who made today's photoshoot possible and magical and lovely.
First, my make up artist Vanessa... Find her on Instagram: @glamfab_nessa
&
The extraordinary, breathtakingly stunning, angel Keitra Jane. She looks like Taylor Swift's identical twin but prettier... and that's saying something! She is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside and working with her this evening was pure magic.
Find Keitra's photography business on Instagram: @xoxokeitrajane

A Taste of Your Own Medicine

 "No mater what happens in life, be good to people. Being good to people is a wonderful legacy to leave behind."

-Taylor Alison Swift

A Taste of Your Own Medicine

Don't give them a taste of their own medicine. They already know what it feels like. Give them a taste of YOUR own medicine. If they lied, let your medicine be maturity. If they lied, let your medicine be honesty. If they played with your emotions, let your medicine be maturity. If they broke you, let your medicine heal. If they made you cry, let your medicine make them smile. These remedies of yours may take years to work, but they work. And they last. So be patient. Stay true to yourself. And remember this: it is better for people to value you for who you are, not for who you pretend to be. Who you are lasts a lifetime. A forever. Who you pretend to be changes like the seasons. Don't be afraid to be yourself, even if it means removing yourself from lives that you want to be in. You are, no doubt, worthy of being valued for who you are. So be who you are. The beautiful. The kind. The lover.  

I hope that someday when I am gone, someone, somewhere, picks my soul up off these words, and my book, my journals, the pages and thinks 'I would have loved her.

"Kindness is one of the most underrated trials in the world. We focus so much on material things and attention, but forget that it is kindness that brings us a fulfillment that warms our soul."

"When you hear people make hateful comments, stand up to them. Point out what a waste it is to hate and you could open their eyes."

-Taylor Swift

"My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who you are, to astonish a mean world with your kindness."

-Maya Angelou

"... Atticus, he was real nice..."

"Most people are, Scout, when you finally see them."

-To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

"Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone... just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had."

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

"Happiness is the new rich.

Inner peace is the new success.

Health is the new wealth.

Kindness is the new cool."

"Choose calm over chaos.

Serenity over stress.

Peace over perfection.

Grace over grit.

Faith over fear."

"The key to happiness?

Focus on your own journey & spread kindness, love, & hope."

"Happiness is not easy to find running straight for it. It is usually too elusive, too ephemeral, too subtle. If you haven't learned it already, you will learn it in the years ahead that most times happiness comes to us when we are least expecting it, when we are busy doing something else. Happiness is almost always a by product of some other endeavor."

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

"Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on."

"There's no lemon so sour that you can't make something resembling lemonade."

-This Is Us

Smile at strangers, lovelies.

We are all in this together.

<W/L3 C

The Prize

"Surely he hath born our griefs and carried our sorrows."
-Isaiah 53:4

 

"I could promise you this. If two people believe in something, really believe, anything even the impossible, is possible."
-Castle

 "I bet you could sometimes find all the mysteries of the universe in someone's hand."
-Benjamin Alire Saenz

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead. Even though you have to endure many trials for a little while."
-1 Peter 1:8

"Talk to yourself life you would to someone you love."
-Brene Brown

 "Breathing dreams like air."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald

"I've found time can heal most anything and you just might find who you're supposed to be."
-Taylor Swift

 "Love isn't what you expect it to be. You imagine being drunk on happiness, but the truth is, you worry all the time. There's a moment when you realize that you've gotten everything you wished for. And right on it's heels is the understanding that this means you have so much more to lose."
-Jodi Picoult

 I love life
even when it hurts so much it knocks the wind out of you...
You still CAN breathe and OH how that breath of fresh air feels amazing. 
I've still been going to Singles Ward. 
It's bittersweet. I love drawing closer to the Lord and learning more, yet all the talk of dating, eternal marriage, and families cut like a knife to the heart, and I worry I'll bleed out all over myself and everyone will see it and stare. 
I decided I HAD to move on, stand up, and walk away.
I couldn't build a future from a broken past.
I had to start building a wonderful now for an incredible future.
I couldn't hold on to someone who let me go. 
There was no hope in what I was doing.
There was hope if I changed. 
I have to believe that there's a future out there for me.
I have to believe something wonderful is about to happen.

"The only cure I have ever known for fear and doubt and loneliness is an immense love of self."
-Allison Malee

The prize is every second you're alive. Your endless potential to change the world for the better. Your chance to find love, give love, and receive love.

That, my lovelies, is the prize.










Today's music-spiration was brought to you by: The Prize (Acoustic) by The Kite String Tangle

The Scarlet Letter[s]

Scarlet Letters

Definition: A visible symbol of something you have done and regretted, or a stigma of past mistake you made that follows you.

A stigma someone bears for a misdeed he or she has committed (sometimes against their will). The term refers to an ongoing, public shame forced upon a person as a means of ostracizing him or her. 

"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom."

-Nathanial Hawthorne

"Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? Under the shadow of our steeples. With all the lost and lonely people searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me. If judgment looms under every steeple. If lofty glances from lofty people who can't see past her scarlet letter. And never even meet her."

"We show off our different scarlet letters.

Trust me mine is better.

Cause baby I could build a castle out of all the bricks they threw at me.

And everyday is like a battle.

Baby we're the n e w r o m a n t i c s. 

Come on, come along with me.

Heartbreak is the national anthem.

We sing it proudly.

Please take my hand &

please take me dancing.

It's so romantic."

-Taylor Swift, New Romantics

Don't let who you were talk you out of who you are becoming.

"Our flaws almost make us greater."

-Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

 When I was in therapy, my therapist made me do a "Masks Assignment" that reminded me of the Scarlet Letters we bear like weights nearly suffocating whether people assign us with them or we perceive them as such. These were my masks and my explanations...

The "Not Enough"/Scarlet Letters-Labels Mask

This mask seems permanent. It scares me. It represents all of the negative labels I carry in my heart to describe myself or how others see me. These labels spread through my blood like poison. It feels like these labels are tattooed all over my head, face, and body making it impossible for anyone to see the real Charley. The good. The strong badass princess. Labels like "Not good enough", "Not pretty enough", "Divorced", "Unable to have kids", "Depressed", "Failure", "Survivor of a Suicide Attempt", etc. This entails beating myself up so badly that if someone else tries to it won't hurt as much. It's been a game where I'm my own judge, jury, and executioner... over and over. It's involved putting up walls around me and my heart so tall they nearly reach the stars. I keep people out. I'm quiet because I fear rejection and ridicule. I use this mask like a safety blanket. I use to think it helping me by shutting people out to avoid more heartache. Now I know it's not true. This mask does way more harm than good. It causes me and my glimmer of self worth to decrease rather than increase. Scarlet letters like a noose.

The Conformity People Pleasing Mask

This mask stems from a fear of rejection and conflict. It's like I want everyone to like me and think good things about me even though you can't control other people's thoughts, feelings, and opinions. I'm not fake, but I am rarely completely real unless you're family or a close friend. While this mask has helped me avoid drama and contention, it's kept me from fully experiencing my true emotions and thoughts and expressing them. I've tended to put others needs before my own. I don't give in to peer pressure or things that go against my values. I feel like I have to be like and agree with other people in order for them to like and accept me. I am working on being my full authentic self, unapologetic, because I want people in my life who love me for me.

The Fake Smile, Always Positive, Pretend Everything's Perfect Mask

This mask began in childhood when my parents got divorced. As the oldest child, I felt I was the one who had to stay strong even when everything was going wrong. By repressing the bad emotions, you also suppress the good, the happiness. I have to fake smile. I feel like I always have had to pretend everything is just perfect and force positivity or they assume I'm not okay. This has been the most challenging mask to shed. 

No Mask

I am happy I am now the real and genuine Charley--no masks!  

This is the hardest, most difficult thing I've ever I've ever been through. It's the worst kind of trial, but I'm also realizing that this is the best kind of blessing. He [my ex husband] almost ended my life. . . and I saved it. 

This marriage would've never ended in happily ever after.

In the midst of this, I've felt feelings of utter worthlessness. I've felt like I am such a stupid girl. I've felt like I ruined my life. I've told myself no on will ever love me again. I'll be branded with the letter "D" carried around my neck for all to see; the divorced girl whose marriage lasted less than a year. Of "F"  for failure. A million other similar words. People are going to think what they want. The only judge that matters is Heavenly Father and the Savior. They, like me, know the truth. 

I know the truth sets you free.

No matter how many lies you try to bury it with, you can never hide the truth.

Truth is still absolute. Believe that. Know it. Even when the truth is hard and cold and more painful that you've ever imagined. And even when truth is more cruel that any lie. One letter I'll never bear is "G" for guilty.

I am not perfect.

I've never claimed to be. 

I am honest and innocent though;

with a perfect brightness of hope

I feel a responsibility to do what's upstanding and right.

I've heard whispers and people pointing out my flaws like I don't already see them.

Here's the thing... I refuse to let anything, anyone, and/or any situation take my progress away from me. When I just took my life back and made it mine. Who I was will never be who I am. My recovery and hard work, dreams and dedication to rebuilt a life worth living come first. Until you help yourself, you're no good to others. I am full of unconditional love, forgiveness, and support for all of my family and friends and you lovelies all of the time. However, I have to protect the positivity and light within me from any negativity and darkness caused by poor, careless decisions, actions, and words of others. 

I can't change others nor can you.

I am changing myself every day and trying to set a good example. 

While I am unable to change others (as much as I wish I could), I hope my story of my triumphs, rising above tragedies, overcoming trials, strengthening testimony, and transformation can inspire the world to change. 

There are so many things that amaze me such as life in general--the fragility, the possibility, the wonder, the beauty, the potential--that to list them all would be an impossible task like counting every single star in the galaxy. 

I have found love again that defies the past, the imperfections, the loneliness, the unfairness, the mistakes, the heartbreak, the hate, hurt, and negativity of others around me trying to destroy me and rob me of all the hope, happiness, love, light, progress, and positivity inside me, the fears that haunt me, and the excruciating, soul crippling, unbearable physical pain that was killing me second by waking second.

I am in love with myself.

The girl I've become and the girl I'm becoming. I love me. I love life. I love my life, this new blank canvas of a life I am living, building, and creating day by day, moment by moment.

Depression blinds you to the beauty of life and the miracle and purpose of it all.

It makes you forget how much you love life--even when it's bad, sad, confusing, and downright tragic.

Apathy takes over your heart. Fear hijacks your mind. Despair and misery slowly suck the life right out of you. This is just a basic description of what depression feels like.

My point is with the gospel, God, therapy, positive coping skills, good habits, time, and support from family and friends, I've conquered my depression, chose happiness, and took my life back.

Hope is always there and waiting to be found.

You may be lost, but hope never is.

The key is faith. Fear is the opposite of faith. Sometimes we hide behind our fears because we're afraid of change or failure. The truth is that faith is stronger than the whole world's fears combined. If we have faith, we need not fear. I choose faith. I have faith. In the words of Dieter F. Uchtdorf: "Faith is trust--trust that God sees what we cannot and that He knows what we do not. The purpose of faith is not to change God's will but to empower us to act on God's will. In the end everything will make sense. Faith comes to the humble, the diligent, the enduring. It comes to those who pay the price of faithfulness."

I AM NOT REPAIRED.

I AM NEW.

The people who brand us with these flaming, burning, searing scarlet letters are hurt people.

Hurt people hurt people.

That's how pain patterns get passed on, generation after generation after generation.

Break the chain today.

Meet anger with sympathy,

contempt with compassion,

cruelty with kindness.

Greet grimaces with smiles.

Forgive and forget about finding fault.

Love is the weapon of the future.

"Let someone love you just the way you are--as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are "broken", out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room."

-Mark Hack

"You need to learn to let go of whatever it is that makes you think you're not good enough. Because that's how you're gonna beat this. When you learn that you matter."

-One Tree Hill

THIS: "Tell me every terrible thing you ever did, and let me love you anyway."

-Sade Andria Zabala

"God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there."

-Thomas S. Monson

"Dismiss whatever insults your own soul."

-Walt Whitman

"There is no statute of limitations on starting over. Re-invent yourself every day. Be the girl who walks barefoot and listens to the blues. Tomorrow, wear a trench coat and speak fierce truths. Be a phoenix. Be ashes. Burn down. Resurrect. Let go of the idea that you must always be who you have always been."

"Confidence is silent. Insecurities are loud."

"Who you are is who you choose to be. Whispers behind your back don't define you. You are the one who gets to decide what you will be remembered for."

-TAYLOR SWIFT <3

 "You are good enough and God does care.

Love everyone. Including yourself.

Because when He thinks of you, He smiles.

Because you are OH SO beautiful in the eyes of God."

-Al Fox Carraway

 "The future holds everything for you."

-AFC

 "Isn't life the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?! It is enchanting and sad and lovely and breathtaking. It's what you make it. It's everything and more. I love life. I can't wait for the day when I find the right man to love and share it with."

-Me

THE BEST THING YOU CAN BE IS YOURSELF.

 "The happiest people I know are always evaluating and improving themselves. The unhappy people are usually evaluating and judging others."

 "It's really not good for your happiness or your state of mind to care so much about what people, who do not care about you, think about you."

-Taylor Swift

The only person who defines you is YOU.