E V O L

I had the biggest epiphany at work today at my second job.

I work as a mentor at a treatment center and that job is my heart.

Anyways... we were doing this meditating session.

I have been having the worst luck with matters of the heart and "men" (more like boys with their behavior or lack thereof).

You know me. Love is the definition of me. I love love more than anyone. I am a hopeless romantic. The hopeless-est hopeless romantic. My heart is so overflowing with love I cannot comprehend that it hasn't burst or broke after all the heartbreak I've suffered...

Well recently, I've had horror experiences with a few of these boys...

One from the past that was on and off since 2015. The other one I met at an institute class. And the last one I've know since 2012 that we've secretly had a thing for but he is so hot/cold and older and all about his "routine" and I think it's a pathetic excuse for being alone for the rest of his life. I feel sorry for him, actually. He'll never know love...passionate, unconditional, beautiful, maddening, compassionate, and a zillion other adjectives LOVE. True love. His loss. All of their losses.

What is wrong with men these days? They all want one thing and one thing only: they see me a beautiful, gorgeous face with a lovely body and you know what they want next... me. To use me and check me off their lists of conquests. They promise love, forever, marriage. At least the 2015 one. It's all bullshit and lies (excuse my language but after his behavior you would validate my use of profanity). What happened to chivalry, hopeless romance, romance in general, men who want forever, I may not be your first but why can't I be your last? Is love really dead? Is it all a lie? I refuse to settle for broken promises and one night stands. No boy will use me for sick twisted pleasure. I want a best friend who loves me for me in spite of the past and everything. I want a man who will love me as much as I love him. A giver and taker just like me. Equality. Pure, sweet, beautiful, passionate, compassionate, maddening, gorgeous, mind blowing, unconditional, spiritual, all of you love. I WILL NEVER SETTLE AGAIN. I hate myself for losing my first love. We were the closest thing to perfect for one another. However, I was young and listened to all the voices of family and friends instead of my heart and lost him 10 years ago and he will never be back... I have to believe in fate though. Everything happens for a reason. Then there was my abusive temple marriage. Two years of hell. It started out so romantic and lovely and everything I thought I wanted. He was a sweetheart turned into a stranger who hurt me in every possible way. And cheated. The only serious relationship I've had since was with 2015 boy. He's actually a man about 9 years older than me. But his name doesn't deserve to be spoken. He's a coward. A liar. Selfish. I can't believe I fell for his sweet nothings. NEVER AGAIN.

Anyways, we meditated for an hour today and it was so profound...

I discovered there is one thing you cannot buy with all the money in the world, you could spend forever searching and chasing and trying desperately to find it and force it, you can wish on stars til you're blue in the face but you are wasting your time... what is this thing I'm talking about in the twenty first century where everything is available at our fingertips or if you have the money and means?

L O V E

or 

spelled backwards

E V O L

You cannot fight fate. 

Love finds you... when you least expect it. When you aren't looking for it. I believe all I can do is pray to my Heavenly Father that he will lead my future husband to me and continue to live my best life doing what I love and being the best me and advancing with my two jobs and school and writing and if (and I pray with all of me if) love really does exist still in these modern times, He will lead him into my life if I am patient and doing my thing. Making my own happiness. I had a life coach once named Todd Sylvester (Google him he is AMAZING. LIFE CHANGING.) He taught me one of the most important lessons of my life. 

He told me in his office one day as I was crying over loneliness,

"Charley, I love my wife with all my heart, but she doesn't make me happy."

I looked at him like he was insane. Who says that?

Then he said this:

"Don't get me wrong, I love her. She is the love of my life. She enhances my happiness. But I make myself happy. If I wasn't happy on my own, I couldn't be happy with her. You have to be able to be happy by yourself in order to love someone. No one can make you happy but you."

And that lesson changed my life forever.

Thank you to my dear friend Payden for reminding me of this lesson. He was also in treatment with me and saw Todd. It's the truth. You make yourself happy. Then you can be happy with another person. So be happy. Choose happiness. Fight for it. Ignore the haters or naysayers. Be happy everyday. 

I love you all. You are loved. 

"You might not recognize her anymore. Things were different now, she was beginning to make sense of who she was becoming. Sure, it took some time to get here, and maybe she took a few ill advised turns. But the long way isn't always the wrong way. Her route, her rules. Everything that made her beautiful, made her slightly terrifying. She would challenge you, sweet lipped, but with a look that was deliberate.  A gaze with weight, that meant something. Some things can't just be singular. And when they change, it's because they have to. Not to fit in, or stand out, but to survive. You might not have a say in that, or even make sense of it. But she gets it. She understands that she really can be whoever she wants to be, so long as she stays herself. She felt for things, and people, and her dreams wholeheartedly. Some carry so much conviction, and life, that they're never truly alone. You won't take that from her."

-J. Raymond

"I love the way she survived. Survival looked good on her. There were no dark marks under her eyes. Maybe deep inside, but I liked the way she looked through them and laughed at life. She did it gracefully. She'd walked over glass and through fire, but still smiled. And, honestly, I'm not interested in people who haven't lived and died a few times. Who haven't yet had their heart ripped out, or know what it feels like to lose everything. I trust those people, because they stand for something. I knew what she'd been through."

-J. Raymond

"She's falling in love with herself again she's learning once more what it means to be happy on her own."

-r.h Sin

"And maybe, for now, a happy ending doesn't include a relationship. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on."

"You are not his princess.

You are your own queen."

-Nikita Gill

"Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself."

"There's so much more to life than being sad over someone who doesn't. There's a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself and it doesn't need to be empty or painful. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, write on bathroom stalls, sit in a coffee shop on your own, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love. Life for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn't any less beautiful, I promise."

-Emery Allen

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."

-Lucille Ball

"Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love."

-Brene Brown

"Why should we worry about what others think of us, do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own?"

-Brigham Young

<W/L3

Charley Brooke

A Little More Love & Dr. Oz

My story could fill a novel.

Letter after letter... all 26 of them.

Page after page.

Book after book.

If I were a full time blogger, I could tell you everything...

However, time is limited as I'm sure it is for almost everyone on this planet.

I want to tell you a little more I forgot to mention in my post yesterday. Here goes!

Once upon a time, I was a miserable girl.

I tried to inspire others to make myself happy.

I find happiness in making others happy.

I was in so much pain.

Starting in 2011, it just shot through me like a thousand bullets.

Now what I am about to tell you is not to complain.

I have never once felt sorry for myself in regards to the adversity and trials I've faced... nor for the pain and mysterious disease (which we'd later after much trial and error would find out was endometriosis).

I had the worst pain ever. It was constant. All the time. So bad.

I wanted to just cry and scream because that's how horrific the pain was. I felt at times like I was going to die. I knew with all of me that something was wrong. Very WRONG (and if you read my previous blog post, you'll find I was very RIGHT). I didn't have a clue on what to do. I saw doctor after doctor after doctor to no avail. They seemed clueless, careless, and lacking the knowledge and tools to make proper diagnosis's.

I wished that Dr. House (from the TV show House) was my doctor because then I'd have answers and could fix it. 

That was wishful thinking and until my miracle came, I knew I would just have to tough it out. I would have to ride through the pain. It sounds depressing. However, it was a learning period. I grew stronger than ever before. I kept hope. I knew that God wouldn't put me through any trial I couldn't handle. He will push us to the edge of our breaking points, but never over and is always there for us.

Many of you have probably seen or heard of The Dr. Oz Show.

One random day in April 2011, I decided to do some research on his website. 

There was a segment that would soon film called "Dr. Oz Ultimate Question".

I made the choice to ask him about my ailment. I mentioned my story with the pelvis pain. The pain which prevented me from living a normal life that a 21 year old girl should like. Instead, I was kept in bed most of the time living the life of a 81 year old. I said I wanted help and didn't know what to do because the doctors in my city couldn't figure it out or didn't care. I asked what to do about it since the doctors would all tell me I was too young to have any pelvis or gynocological problems at my age.

Honestly, I didn't think much of it or that I would hear back. OH! I was incredibly wrong! I was surprised when the very next day, my mom came home from work and said the senior executives from the show had called her twice and wanted me to call them ASAP. I was in shock. I was nervous to call them back because it felt so surreal. Yet it was exciting.

That girl who had to spend all of her life indoors trapped like Cinderella or Rapunzel might finally have reason to hope. 

I called the producers and told them my story. 

They were very optimistic and interested in my story. 

We talked for almost an hour. I thought things went wonderful and that this was going somewhere.

They discussed all the details about how they would fly me and one guest to New York City and pay for a hotel so I could be on the show.

At the conclusion of the conversation, the producers told me they would be in contact with me soon about the final decision.

Days went by and I was anxiously awaiting a phone call from the people at the show with their decision as to whether or not I would be on the show which was to film on May 31, 2011.

I sent them an e-mail with information and pictures of my mom and I that they wanted on May 11th. Then they called me on Thursday asking questions for more information about me and my situation. It sounded promising. The man I talked to said he'd be calling me in the next few days. 

All the waiting was driving me crazy because waiting was one of my least favorite things in the world.

I was trying desperately to stay positive. I expected the worst while hoping and dreaming for the best. This would be an incredible opportunity in numerous ways. It could be my only chance to get the best medical help possible, answer my questions, and solve my crazy health mystery. 

I prayed everything would work out. I would be absolutely devastated if I was turned down. After all, there was nothing worse at the time than thinking I had a chance when I really didn't. 

I knew I would cry if I was turned down... uncontrollably. Then again, I would likely cry with tears of joy if I got to be on the show! 

I began to place the idea in my head that no news was good news. 

I hoped.

My pain was becoming more intense, and I couldn't take the not knowing because it has always been one of the worst feelings to me.

Time passed as it does with every unstoppable second and there was still no word from Dr. Oz Land yet. 

I was still waiting, waiting, waiting.

I figured if I got turned down it would be because I lived too far away--on the opposite side of the country! Haha the man I spoke with had no idea where Pocatello, Idaho was! 

Still nothing on Saturday May 21, 2011, I wrote the following journal entry...

"Do I turn left where nothing is right? Or do I turn right where nothing is left? If your presence doesn't make any difference, your absence won't either, right? Sometimes what holds you together and tears you apart are the same thing. I am deciding to live life so completely that when death comes to me like a thief in the night, there will be nothing left for him to steal. Sometimes there are no time outs, no second chances, it's now or never. Most people don't know who they are that's why they lie. They're afraid someone will figure it out before they do. What we do in life echoes in eternity. I think love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurtles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it's destination full of hope. Our lives are defined by moments, especially the ones we never see coming."

Days later and still no word from Dr. Oz/staff. I assumed it was a no go. I knew it then. I didn't know why I expected differently. I was frustrated that they promised to call back one way or another and didn't. I found it to be entirely unprofessional. I don't care how famous you are, you don't treat people like that, like they don't matter or aren't worth your time. I love the quote by Natalie Portman, "The minute you think you are better than someone else is the minute you need to be slapped in the face." Kindness should be born inside of us like an organ as vital as blood or oxygen. How much better would the world be if kindness was abound?

Unfortunately, it isn't a reality.

That wouldn't stop me from being kind though... from having hope... from enduring. We can choose to be bitter and miserable since life isn't always fair and bad things happen and we don't always get what we want, or we can choose to be happy and savor gratefully the blessings we have which are countless and surround us.

May 31st came and went and I never received a phone call or e-mail from the show. I was not on the Dr. Oz show.

I won't deny the hurt I felt. It was crushing but I had a feeling all would be well.

Everything happens for a reason. 

I made the decision to try and live a life with the pain no matter how limited that life would be.

I went on a cruise with my family in summer 2011... hurting but hopeful.

I found strength in words of others such as:

"Pain is a gauge of the healing process. It often teaches us patience. Perhaps this is why we use the term patient in referring to the sick. Opposition is part of Heavenly Father's plan of happiness. We all encounter enough to bring us to an awareness of our Father's love and of our need for the Savior's help. During His mortal life Christ chose to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand us. Perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand Him and our eternal purposes."

-Elder Kent F. Richards

How lovely is that? We wouldn't know good without the bad. 

We wouldn't know pain without pleasure.

I knew I could make it through. Patience was a lesson I had to learn even if it was one of the hardest things I ever did. Learning to be patient has changed my life for the better. I now know the best things in life are worth the wait. Nothing worthwhile is EVER easy, but ALWAYS worth it.

I made the choice to be happy and see this as a mountain I could overcome. It's funny how when you aren't looking life can show you a better view. Mine did. You can't be happy unless you're unhappy sometimes. It hurts like you wouldn't believe to deal with the rough times, but once the sweet moments of heaven on earth come your way, all of the pain you suffered is forgotten. The sweetness overpowers the bitter completely. I decided that no matter what direction life took I would never stop giving thanks for being alive and living. For being me.

"No matter how upside down it all may temporarily appear, we will have no fear because we know this secret: life is crazily in love with us-wildly and innocently in love with us. The universe always gives us exactly what we need when we need it when the time is right."

-Rob Brezny

We never know what will happen, but I believe that good things happen even when bad things happen. What could you not accept if you knew that all things are planned by the one who has your best interests in mind? 

All my life this Haiku by the AMAZING Tyler Knott Gregson held true.

"There are holes in me

pieces I was born without

You are all I lack"

I had faith that I would find my prince. That I would find answers. That I would no longer be this broken girl. I would be whole.

The answer to finding love is letting it find you.

Don't worry and waste your time searching, love will come to you when the time is right and God will give you the best love story, better than you could ever imagine.

I found my Ryan at the perfect time.

The exact time.

I stopped looking and then he came.

We found each other.

I will tell you over and over again that there is nothing better than love.

Now to a few stories I adore.

My momzy (Angie) and I (her oldest daughter).

Momzy is hilarious.

Lets talk about irony.

The day before Ryan started talking to me on Facebook and the beginning of forever began for us, I was living at my parents' home. My mom bought me a book about how to be happy and content being single in life... Haha little did she know I'd be married within five months and meet my future husband the following day. Silly momzy. I love that story. She always wanted the best for me but thought my standards were too high. Let me tell you this: NEVER lower your standards for anyone. You will find what you are looking for and who. Don't settle. There are 7 billion people in this world and one is out there who is perfect for you.

Last cutesy story of tonight:

In April when Ryan I were engaged, he would come visit me every single night or day.

Aww I felt so bad one night. He came over and we watched House and I fell asleep in his warm arms and he scooped me up in them and carried me to my bed and tucked me in since I was so tired and exhausted. I love that boy (husband) of mine! How did I get so lucky?

"Love knows no limits to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope, it can out last anything. Love stands still when all else has fallen."

<W/L3 Charley Brooke Syndergaard