E V O L

I had the biggest epiphany at work today at my second job.

I work as a mentor at a treatment center and that job is my heart.

Anyways... we were doing this meditating session.

I have been having the worst luck with matters of the heart and "men" (more like boys with their behavior or lack thereof).

You know me. Love is the definition of me. I love love more than anyone. I am a hopeless romantic. The hopeless-est hopeless romantic. My heart is so overflowing with love I cannot comprehend that it hasn't burst or broke after all the heartbreak I've suffered...

Well recently, I've had horror experiences with a few of these boys...

One from the past that was on and off since 2015. The other one I met at an institute class. And the last one I've know since 2012 that we've secretly had a thing for but he is so hot/cold and older and all about his "routine" and I think it's a pathetic excuse for being alone for the rest of his life. I feel sorry for him, actually. He'll never know love...passionate, unconditional, beautiful, maddening, compassionate, and a zillion other adjectives LOVE. True love. His loss. All of their losses.

What is wrong with men these days? They all want one thing and one thing only: they see me a beautiful, gorgeous face with a lovely body and you know what they want next... me. To use me and check me off their lists of conquests. They promise love, forever, marriage. At least the 2015 one. It's all bullshit and lies (excuse my language but after his behavior you would validate my use of profanity). What happened to chivalry, hopeless romance, romance in general, men who want forever, I may not be your first but why can't I be your last? Is love really dead? Is it all a lie? I refuse to settle for broken promises and one night stands. No boy will use me for sick twisted pleasure. I want a best friend who loves me for me in spite of the past and everything. I want a man who will love me as much as I love him. A giver and taker just like me. Equality. Pure, sweet, beautiful, passionate, compassionate, maddening, gorgeous, mind blowing, unconditional, spiritual, all of you love. I WILL NEVER SETTLE AGAIN. I hate myself for losing my first love. We were the closest thing to perfect for one another. However, I was young and listened to all the voices of family and friends instead of my heart and lost him 10 years ago and he will never be back... I have to believe in fate though. Everything happens for a reason. Then there was my abusive temple marriage. Two years of hell. It started out so romantic and lovely and everything I thought I wanted. He was a sweetheart turned into a stranger who hurt me in every possible way. And cheated. The only serious relationship I've had since was with 2015 boy. He's actually a man about 9 years older than me. But his name doesn't deserve to be spoken. He's a coward. A liar. Selfish. I can't believe I fell for his sweet nothings. NEVER AGAIN.

Anyways, we meditated for an hour today and it was so profound...

I discovered there is one thing you cannot buy with all the money in the world, you could spend forever searching and chasing and trying desperately to find it and force it, you can wish on stars til you're blue in the face but you are wasting your time... what is this thing I'm talking about in the twenty first century where everything is available at our fingertips or if you have the money and means?

L O V E

or 

spelled backwards

E V O L

You cannot fight fate. 

Love finds you... when you least expect it. When you aren't looking for it. I believe all I can do is pray to my Heavenly Father that he will lead my future husband to me and continue to live my best life doing what I love and being the best me and advancing with my two jobs and school and writing and if (and I pray with all of me if) love really does exist still in these modern times, He will lead him into my life if I am patient and doing my thing. Making my own happiness. I had a life coach once named Todd Sylvester (Google him he is AMAZING. LIFE CHANGING.) He taught me one of the most important lessons of my life. 

He told me in his office one day as I was crying over loneliness,

"Charley, I love my wife with all my heart, but she doesn't make me happy."

I looked at him like he was insane. Who says that?

Then he said this:

"Don't get me wrong, I love her. She is the love of my life. She enhances my happiness. But I make myself happy. If I wasn't happy on my own, I couldn't be happy with her. You have to be able to be happy by yourself in order to love someone. No one can make you happy but you."

And that lesson changed my life forever.

Thank you to my dear friend Payden for reminding me of this lesson. He was also in treatment with me and saw Todd. It's the truth. You make yourself happy. Then you can be happy with another person. So be happy. Choose happiness. Fight for it. Ignore the haters or naysayers. Be happy everyday. 

I love you all. You are loved. 

"You might not recognize her anymore. Things were different now, she was beginning to make sense of who she was becoming. Sure, it took some time to get here, and maybe she took a few ill advised turns. But the long way isn't always the wrong way. Her route, her rules. Everything that made her beautiful, made her slightly terrifying. She would challenge you, sweet lipped, but with a look that was deliberate.  A gaze with weight, that meant something. Some things can't just be singular. And when they change, it's because they have to. Not to fit in, or stand out, but to survive. You might not have a say in that, or even make sense of it. But she gets it. She understands that she really can be whoever she wants to be, so long as she stays herself. She felt for things, and people, and her dreams wholeheartedly. Some carry so much conviction, and life, that they're never truly alone. You won't take that from her."

-J. Raymond

"I love the way she survived. Survival looked good on her. There were no dark marks under her eyes. Maybe deep inside, but I liked the way she looked through them and laughed at life. She did it gracefully. She'd walked over glass and through fire, but still smiled. And, honestly, I'm not interested in people who haven't lived and died a few times. Who haven't yet had their heart ripped out, or know what it feels like to lose everything. I trust those people, because they stand for something. I knew what she'd been through."

-J. Raymond

"She's falling in love with herself again she's learning once more what it means to be happy on her own."

-r.h Sin

"And maybe, for now, a happy ending doesn't include a relationship. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on."

"You are not his princess.

You are your own queen."

-Nikita Gill

"Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself."

"There's so much more to life than being sad over someone who doesn't. There's a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself and it doesn't need to be empty or painful. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, write on bathroom stalls, sit in a coffee shop on your own, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love. Life for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn't any less beautiful, I promise."

-Emery Allen

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."

-Lucille Ball

"Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love."

-Brene Brown

"Why should we worry about what others think of us, do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own?"

-Brigham Young

<W/L3

Charley Brooke

TEAM

Lovelies,

We're not just a nation.

We're a team.

I am a writer.

It's in my blood.

I spill words like ink to paper and this blog.

My own and others.

I journal.

I LOVE President Gordon B. Hinckley's thoughts on keeping a journal and writing down your story:

"You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of those meaningful and significant things. Some may be funny. Some may be significant only to you. Some of them maybe be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experience."

Words can tear, break, repair, and are essential to life.

Of course, there is nonverbal communication that can express more than all the words in every language could ever begin to say. In the touch of a lover. In the hug of a friend or family member, In the smile of a stranger. 

That are moments and feelings where words aren't necessary.

Where you can't find the words.

Where words don't exist to say what you need or want to say.

You can be speechless.

However, when you have something to say. SPEAK NOW.

Speak.

Don't keep quiet.

If you love someone, tell them. NOW. Don't wait.

The only exception is anger.

You need to watch yourself when you lose your temper or get feelings of rage or hurt... often during these times, words and emotions get the best of you and you can say things you can't take back. Things you probably don't mean. Words that can haunt a person forever. Words than can kill a soul.

As Rumi wrote: "Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder."

Say the words you mean.

Mean the words you say.

Speak now or forever hold your peace or regret that you didn't say what you needed to.

Words how little they mean when they're a little too late.

Listen as well.

Take in the words you hear.

Respond.

Pay genuine compliments to those around you.

You have the power to make someone's day, change lives, and bring about change just by opening your mouth and talking words of hope and love and kindness.

As you all are aware, I am struggling.

I am going through the hardest time of my entire life.

This trial threatens to tear me down every single day.

I just have to keep breathing.

I have to plan my days and fill them so I don't let this suffering drown me.

I am not okay but I will be.

That's what matters.

This quote by Taylor Swift says it all elegantly and with near perfection:

"Speak now or forever hold your peace, the words said by preachers at the end of wedding ceremonies all over the world, right before the vows. It's a last chance for protest, a moment that makes everyone's heart race, and a moment I've always been strangely fascinated by so many fantasize about bursting into a church, saying what they'd kept inside for years like in the movies. In real life, it rarely happens.

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I've begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything.

I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back regretting the moments we didn't speak up. When we didn't say "I love you" when we should've said "I'm sorry". When we didn't stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help.

Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.

What you say might be too much for some people. Maybe it will come out all wrong and you'll stutter and you'll walk away embarrassed, wincing as you play it all back in your head. But I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest.

So say it to them or say it to yourself in the mirror. Say it in a letter you'll never send or in a book millions might read someday. I think you deserve to look back on your life without a chorus of resounding voices saying 'I could've, but it's too late now.'

There is a time for silence. There is a time waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you'll know it.

I don't think you should wait. I think you should speak now."

I've been looking back through the pages of old journals.

I write down the words of people who pay me nice compliments or say things that mean a lot to me.

Maybe some of the words are from you.

We often forget the lovely words we say to people, but they can remember them forever.

That's how some of these comments are.

Maybe you don't remember saying them... but I'll never forget.

I am going to share some here... words that people said to me that have made all the difference in my life. These aren't all of them that I hold, but these are some. 

I don't think it's narcissistic. It's healing and refreshing to know people care.

I am going to share them here.

I'll change some of the names of the people who said these things to me just in case they don't want to their words to be shared with the world.

I ran into one of my favorite high school teachers in a grocery store by the flower aisle. 

He was talking to someone. He actually was one of my English teachers. He inspired me. He improved my writing. He made me a better writer. He had a way with words that helped me find my voice.

I saw him but didn't think he saw me. So I was going to talk by without a second glance (honestly I didn't think he would remember me) but as I passed by, he stopped and said to the person he was talking to, "Except Charley here. She's the only exception. She got an A. She was an amazing student!"

Then he smiled, ended the conversation with whoever he was talking to, turned his focus to me, hugged me, and we had about a ten minute conversation. He asked me about what I had been up to, my plans, dreams, etc. He told me he loved my Facebook posts and always looks forward to them. He said he liked how insightful and meaningful they were. He explained that when everyone my age is only getting on FB to post random pointless junk about partying and the like. He is an absolutely amazingly talented writer so it was a major compliment. It made my day.

"Your posts are some of my favorite :)"

-Kasey M.

"My mother absolutely adores you! She told me that you are seriously the most nicest girl ever!! Haha."

-Kayla

"You are my favorite of all of Christian's sisters :) You're the best babysitter EVER! and you always remind me that I'm awesome :) LOVE YOU CHARLEY :) P.S. You enjoy my random songs. :)"

-Drake (one of Lambsey's friends)

"Oh Char, you and I have become each others best friends. We have sister Saturday pretty much every Saturday. I love how close we are cause it's good to have your older sister be your best friend. Just letting you know how much I look up to you as like my role model. You get through every trial that is put in front of you. You never ever get mad and you don't hate anyone! Even the people I can't stand you're always so nice to them. You never lie and are always straight up with people. You also always give back and say thank you. You are so incredibly smart! Makes me jealous you're gorgeous. I love youuuuu!"

-Jordan Lawren Chriswell (my youngest sister)

Can I just say that comment touched my heart. It made me cry.

"Every breath you have ever taken was gold. You're the best kind of person and I think no matter what I'll always remember you as such."

-David

"You have always been one of the sweetest, most kind people I've ever met. There is no reason for you to be lonely. You have no idea. I would have to get a team together to search the country for a man worthy enough to have you. You will not be lonely forever. You shouldn't be now and not ever. I just mean he has to be kind, courteous, chivalrous, strong, regal, and the perfect gentleman. He will come and you will be completely blown over. You two will hit it off faster than they do in the storybooks. When he meets the Charley, he's going to just die. He will have to have you. Have a good night beautiful."

-Wilson (name has been changed).

That made me smile. I mean REALLY smile. I needed to hear it at the time.

"I miss you and I'm drinking a Diet Pepsi and it just doesn't feel right without you!"

-Deedra (hahah I love her)

A conversation I had with Wilson in 2012...

Charley (me): "I am sorry. I know that means absolutely nothing nor does it help or change anything. But some words of inspiration--maybe good things fall apart so even better things, things beyond our imagination, can fall together."

Wilson: "I guess. You realize saying those things makes just want to flirt with you."

C: "Flirt with me? Why me? Why especially when you love Brianna (name changed)?"

W: "Because I have had crushes on you since elementary school. Because you are insanely beautiful and you seem to be more and more my type as we talk. Because even though I am turning into a mess, you make me feel like you would pick up the pieces."

C: "Why didn't you ever tell me? People should say these things you know, when they feel them. I am not insanely beautiful. I wish I was. I am just Jordan and McHale's sister. And what is your type? I am always here for you. I will help you pick up the pieces. I will also do anything to help you get Brianna back since I know you love her."

W: "Yes you are. You are their radiant and elegant sister. Not their other sister. I don't know why I never said anything. I never felt good enough and didn't think you would care. Thank you."

Just an FYI, Wilson and I never dated or were anything but friends. I didn't and don't like him like that. But we were good friends. I like being there and helping people.

Another Wilson/Charley conversation...

C: "How can you still believe in love? Do you believe in soulmates?"

W: "Of course I believe in love. I don't know about soulmates."

C: "How do you still believe in it though?"

W: "Shouldn't having your heart ripped out make it more obvious that it's real? Should all the joy and happiness you feel gets taken away make love that much more apparent and desirable? You know it's real. There's a reason why you've been wishing for it forever. Everyone wants love. When it's taken away from us it hurts worse than anything else because it is the greatest feeling and power on Earth."

That was eye opening. I'd never thought about it like that before.

Haha I love the following quote. I went on a triple date with some friends. My little sister came along and he date paid for her. I was in shock and telling him how cute and nice that was. He exclaimed, "What has the world come to when it's such a surprise when a guy pays for the girl. It should be expected. A guy should always pay for his lady. That's how it's supposed to be."

True story.

"You are such a sweet person. You are amazing and I always love your posts :) You are beautiful and I am thankful to know you! You deserve all of the good that life has to offer."

-Alecia

"Well I just thought I would post on your wall about how thankful I am for you!!! You are just the most gorgeous and sweet person I have ever met. You always have amazing statuses and you always greet me with a big beautiful smile. Thanks for making my day a little brighter with your kind words and kind smile."

-Angela :)

"It's almost been two years since we met right? Thank you so much for always letting me read your Facebook posts that help me out through the day. You are amazing along with your family! You are special!"

-Holden (named changed) we once dated. He recently got married. I am so happy for him :)

"I love you so much! It has been so long since I've seen you and I must meet up with you soon pretty lady!!! You're such an incredible friend :) mwah <3 I miss our letters."

-Paige Madison

Oh my goodness, this is the silliest. most random conversation that took place on night at TyBrie's house...

Tyson: "Are we humans or are we dancers?"

Me (To Lambsey): "Somebody told me that you had a girlfriend who looked like a boyfriend that I had in February of last year."

Lambsey: "It's not confidential, I've got potential."

Brie: "You know what I'm getting from this conversation? Who is this boyfriend you had in February, and why did he look like a girl?"

Me: "No Christian's girlfriend looked like a boy."

Brie: "No because she is me. I'm his secret girlfriend trying to be scandalouser than you cause he's younger than me."

Lambsey: "This sounds like an episode of Desperate Housewives!"

Brie: "That means I'm Gabby!"

Lambsey: "Then Tyson is Carlos and I'm John!"

Brie: "I wish I looked like Gabrielle!"

Tyson: "I wished I had as much money as Carlos."

*We all laughed so hard our stomachs hurt*

Brie (To me): "Then I guess that makes you Susan."

Me: "Oh well! That's fine by me. It means I get Mike Delfino!"

Yep, we can be silly.

 I wrote a Facebook status that stated: "A real girl isn't perfect. A perfect girl isn't real." One of my friends named John made a sweet observation: "And yet love masks imperfections making a perfect girl very real."

"So I just decided that you have amazing quotes and I thought I'd let you know."

-Melissa

"Charley... you are adorable! I was just being all creepy stalker like and looking at your blog... it's cute. I like it :)"

-Brie

"I love you girl. You are so inspiring."

-Angie

"Charley :) I miss your B-E-A-Utiful face, and adorable eyes :) I just love you so much! You are my favorite! Darling, you're so cute. Save some cuteness for the rest of us. You are beautiful period."

-Taylor

"You got it all goin for ya pretty lady!"

-Maddie

"Lofes you so much, you are the best pretty lil lady :)"

-McHale Annette Chriswell (sister)

One of my statuses was "I wish I was a star."

I got the following responses.

Taylor: "You're a star to me."

Lacey: "="I love stars. I have always had some infatuation with them. Haha. I'm not sure what kind of "star" you're talking about but if it's like celebrity then me too! Awhhh. That's cute. I think Taylor's right. You're already a star!"

Jordan: "Hey, you are a star! Don't let anyone tell you differently."

Chris: "Charley, you should be a counselor."

Kirsten: "Charley you are amazing."

David: "Charley that is impossible to promise. You are an irresistible person and who doesn't love you is out of their mind."

Alexia: "Charley, you're gorgeous! Miss you a lot!"

Lizzy: "See you are gorgeous and your smile is stunning."

My friend/step cousin Mitch said the nicest thing to me once upon a time.

"You're like a superhero in my eyes. All the s--- you've had to walk through. And still are walking through. There's no one else who I have such a high admiration for. You truly are amazing. I love you."

Another Taylorism (he is the kindest. Mind you he has a gorgeous girlfriend now! We are still friends but these are words from the past!): "Charley! I care about you so much! More than I show! I just want you to be happy more than anything. I've been thinking about you all week. You're so beautiful."

David gave the best compliments. Always cheering this girl up!

"Dearest friend, I hope all is well. Your smile brightens up the world and makes all things wonderful, just like you do :) Charley, you are the most wonderful person I have ever had the privilege of being friends with and I treasure you :) You brighten up my life and make me smile."

"Sweet dreams Char. I really hope things get better with your health, you're a strong girl. If there is ever anything I can do to help you out please let me know. I am glad I got to see you."

-Mat

"Charley Brooke is one of the most beautiful inspirational people in the world. I envy her... and it makes it worse that I have to face her everyday! I love my angelic sister so very much :):):)"

-McHale (my sweethearted angel of a sister)

"You're very talented in this matter! Better keep it up! People LOVE your writing and gorgeous pictures."

-One of you lovelies! An anonymous lovely who reads my blog (I adore you!)

"Charley Brooke Chriswell is one hundred percent positive one hundred percent of the time. I really admire her."

-The lovely Morgan 

"I really like it when I have a bad day, and something you post makes me instantly feel better."

-Ben

"You're a beautiful writer."

-Tabbi

"Dear Charley... I just have to say your profile picture is awesome! I miss that time we went skydiving together... Love you!"

-Jacklyn

"Your story didn't start out on a dark and stormy night--I promise! I was there... It started out with the most beautiful little girl who was and still is the joy of her mother and father's life. You are a great story and your ending has yet to be written and I bet when it is finished it will be a BLOCKBUSTER!!!"

-My dad

"So you probably get this often, but I think you're really pretty."

-A random stranger

"Charley, I know I don't know you very well. But, I've been reading your blog during my downtime at work and I feel like I know you so well! So much of what you say I can relate to. Keep up the good work."

-Wilson (not the Wilson mentioned above)

"I need you to make me a book of your sayings so when I get in a jam I'll have the right words to say."

-David (a cousin)

"I know a million girls who wish they looked like you. No lie. You're tall. You're thin. You're beautiful. Go look in the mirror and say good things about yourself, Charley. You have a lot of style and personality."

-Daniel

"You should write self help books!"

-Gabrielle

"Love love love love love love love your statuses."

-Lisa

"Honestly your statuses make my life. They're amazing."

-Erica

"You are cute. Too bad people aren't more like you huh? :)"

-TC

"Char, I LOVE your words beyond anything I could tell you. You are a great person, and I am so proud and happy to be your father. You make me so proud."

-Dad

"Charley!!! You are so cute and your messages make my day :) You are an awesome girl and I love your positive outlook on life... your posts and quotes always make me happy!"

-Kimberly

Okay I could keep going foreverrrr. These are comments I've written in only a few of my journals. I write your words down just like mine.

My point is, these words help me even now! I am going through hell but I see heaven. I know heaven is there. This path will take me to where I belong. Your words mean more to me than earthly possessions. I treasure words like gold. Words take seconds to say and can have lasting impressions. These words and the things you continue to tell me just completely overwhelm me with happiness. I love you all completely, lovelies. You are the loveliest. I hope my words mean to me and touch you like yours do for me.

I encourage all of you to write or tell your story in one form or another. 

We all are creating our own movie moments. Love each one. I write so I can remember and share them.

THANK YOU for all of your support. 

Your words.

For speaking now and forever.

To speaking now&always,

<W/L3

C