To Wish Impossible Things

For your reading pleasure, lovelies. 
We're flashing back to 2012 and excerpts of my journal "Here(Hear)You Me".

Friday July 20, 2012

"Christian and I were discussing what we would do if we won the lottery, today. I'd like to know the secret of "how to do and get everything that you would do and get if you won the lottery without actually winning the lottery". I could leave this town and run forever. I could move to North Carolina or Utah or Washington or Oregon or maybe have a home in more than one state. I could build and pay off my beautiful dream house. I could get agents so I could become an actress and model and taking acting classes. I could find a publicist and become a writer and publish my journals and books. I could get porcelain veneers, a new surgical smile, a gorgeous smile that would light up everywhere I went. I could afford to buy a Forever 21 or whatever store I love for my closet. I could afford to shop at Saks, Urban Outfitters, Vera Wang, Bloomingdales, and Free People. I could actually buy real, lovely vintage dresses and shoes. I could travel the world... visit the USA, Canada, Australia, Italy, England, France, Fiji, anywhere and everywhere. I could take cruises.

I could get some sort of role (big or small) on Grey's Anatomy. I could have my own huge library full of endless books and DVDs. I could work towards or contribute to curing cancer and other terrible diseases. I could have a pink Voltswagon Beetle.  I could take amazing art classes and become an artist. I could help my family, especially my mom, to repay them for all that they've done for me. I could accomplish everything on my list of things to do before I die. I could donate to the church and charity. I could change lives and make a difference.

  Now I know they say that money can't buy you happiness. Love, family, and friends are true happiness (heaven on Earth).  However, life, this life, doesn't come with any promise or guarantees when it comes to love. Our birth certificates don't contain a declaration that states one day our prince, or our true love, will come. No matter how much you wish, dream, hope, pine, and think about love, you can't will it into your life. Happily ever afters are as rare as once upon a times.
Can you be a princess without a prince? A princeless princesss? What makes a girl worth saving, worth fighting for, worth slaying dragons for, worth taking to a ball? I like to believe true love exists and that you can make your life a fairytale, more than that: a fairytale even fairytale characters would be jealous of, but until I see evidence to the contrary, I know fairytales are merely fiction told to children and little girls to make the difficult task of becoming an adult, or growing up, less painful.
I believe that money could buy me happiness that I could share with others. It could make me as happy as possible in a life lacking love. After all, winning the lottery seems more realistic than the chances of finding, and falling in, love."

Here I stand, four whole years after writing this, and I thought I found love. I was the happiest girl alive , and thought I'd found forever, but it turned out to be a lie. I got married. Then my world, my dream, my love all came unravelled, undone, transforming into a nightmare that showed me the painful light of truth which I was too blind in love to see, until all the beautifully gorgeous lies were discovered. No matter how many lies you try to bury it with, you can never hide the truth. Remember that, lovelies. As much as it hurts (hurts being the understatement of the day), I'd rather know the piercing truth than live a lifetime of lies. My forever only lasted two years.
Be of love a little more careful than anything.
Sometimes Prince Charming is really no prince at all. He'll tell you sweet nothings that are the best words you've ever heard. Never forget that actions are more important than words. It's no secret that I LOVE Taylor Swift. It's like she saw my heart and situation when she said the following things:

"Real love doesn't mess with your head. Real love just is. Real love just endures. Real love maintains. Real love takes it page by page."

"Part of me feels you can't say you were truly in love if it didn't last. If I end up getting married and having kids, that's when I'll know it's real--because it lasted."

This is what it comes down to...

"Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds. When life gets hard, when things change, true love remains the same."
-William Shakespeare

Lovelies, 
It is my sincerest wish and prayer that you find love. Read that last word one more time. Not infatuation. Not a crush. Not a one night stand. Not a fling. No. I'm talking about true love. You deserve a love that will not alter, grows stronger every day, is sure (leaving no uncertainties, no lies, no fear, no second guessing), and lasts forever. Never settle. It's better to be alone than with the wrong person who takes you for granted and treats you as anything less than the exquisite, perfectly imperfect, extraordinary, lovely miracle that you are. I have to have faith that it exists despite all the evidence to the contrary... because make no mistake, love is the reason. Love. It's why we're here. Love. One word, four letters, that means everything, is misused and abused by the world, while people who find love can testify that no other words in any language can even begin to touch and do justice to the enormity of its definition.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be (and more). That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything... you risk even more.
Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.

 Charsley & Lambsey
twins 7 years apart.
10/14

I am the most blessed older sister in the world.
I love all of my three siblings and even my four stepbrothers.
Family is everything.
I'm sending a shout out in this entry for my little brother, Christian (Lambsey) because he is the one who had the lottery conversation with me that led to this post. I love this boy fiercely. I can't believe he's growing up so fast! He's turning into such a handsome man. He has the biggest heart and the best personality. It's impossible not to love Lambsey. I could shout out [or write] loud about how proud I am for all he is and does. He's a pillar of strength. Someday, some girl out there will become the luckiest girl to have him! I love you, little brother. #bft

Quote time...

"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be."
-Anna Louise Strong

"It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp."

"Trouble's part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough."
-Dinah Shore

"We chase wild dreams and long for all that eludes us, when the greatest joys are within our grasp, if we can only recognize them."

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
-Ecclesiates 4:12

"It's easy to be happy when things are going well. Marriage is about making it through, staying together, even when things turn to crap."
-One Tree Hill

"Love means giving chances when there are no more chances left to give."
-OTH

"It wasn't a matter if I loved you, it was a matter if you fought and stayed."
-R. G. Moon

"Real love asks us to do hard things--to forgive one another, to support each other's dreams, to comfort in times of grief, or to care for family. Real love isn't easy--and it's nothing like the wedding day--but it's far more meaningful and wonderful."

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice."

"Have enough courage to trust love one more time. And always, one more time."
-Maya Angelou

"i do not want to have you
to fill the empty parts of me
i want to be full on my own
i want to be so complete 
i could light a whole city
and then
i want to have you
cause the two of 
us combined
could set it
on fire."
-rupi kaur

All or Nothing by Lang Leav
If you love me
for what you see,
only your eyes would be
in love with me.

If you love me
for what you've heard,
then you would love me
for my words.

If you love,
my heart and mind,
then you will love me,
for all that I'm.

But if you don't love
my every flaw,
then you mustn't love me--
not at all.

"Repeat this until you understand it: I do not need people who do not need me."

"Your feelings are so important to write down, to capture, and to remember because today you're heartbroken, but tomorrow you could be in love again."
-Taylor Swift

THIS--->"Perhaps the problem is not the intensity of your love, but the quality of the people you are loving."

"The best feeling in the whole entire world is meeting your next love. To meet a person who completely mends your heart and fixes you piece by piece, injecting love into your veins and reminding you of who you were before your heart was broken. It's something that you never believe will happen, but when it does, it's so amazing, it's impossible to describe."

"I would apologize for my sadness, but then I would have to apologize for my words. For my heart, all the thoughts cooped up in my mind, and for this love that never seems to leave me."

"In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, one who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person's care, you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure."
-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

"Here are the things I know for sure: when you think you're right, you are most likely wrong. Things that break--be they bones, hearts, or promises--can be put back together but will never really be whole. And, in spite of what I said, you can miss a person you've never known. I learn this over and over again, every day I spend without you."
-Jodi Picoult

"You know what will make a difference? Pour your heart and soul into everything you do and watch every aspect of your life change one by one."

"All we have endured will make us invincible. From the fire comes strength."
-Tyler Knott Gregson

"Love is never wanting to give up."
-Jodi Picoult

"Sometimes you look up and there just seems to be so many more stars than ever before. More. They burn brighter and they shine longer and they never vanish into your periphery when you turn your head. It's as if they come out for us and to remind us that their light took so long to come to us, that if we never had the patience to wait, we never would have seen them here, tonight, like this. That as much as it hurts, sometimes it's all you can do, wait, endure and keep shining knowing that eventually, your light will reach where it is supposed to reach and shine for who it is supposed to shine for. It is never easy, but it is always worth it."
-Tyler Knott Gregson

"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
-Oscar Wilde

"If you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..."
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"If you stay, stay forever. If you go, do it today. If you change, change for the better. If you talk, make sure you mean what you say."

"The hardest walk is walking alone. But, it also makes you the strongest."

"Sometimes, we go through the worst to get to the best."

In all things, make love your constant companion. Be loving. Be lovely. Be you. Believe.

<W/L3 Charley Brooke

Wait. They don't love you like I love you.

I've come to the conclusion that sometimes there are phases in our lives that feel like a waiting room. There's nothing anyone can do about it. Most of the time change happens slowly, one day at a time. You have to be patient with small steps in the right direction. That's what life is. Small, long, hard steps that you take every single day so that when you look back you see how far you've truly come, it adds up, the distance you've covered. You have to smile and press forward enjoying the journey, the now, realizing the wait will be worth it.

Waiting doesn't mean you're just standing still watching your life pass by... waiting means to keep going  and never let go or falter even when it seems impossible. What you're waiting for could be further along the path and you can't see it. You want to give up, but you CAN'T stop because it's there. Once you reach it, and you will, you'll discover it was worth the wait, that you'd actually repeat the tedious, tearstained, treacherous, heartbreaking, seemingly unending trip and time it took to get there. Not only would you'd repeat it, you'd do it again countless times because it's that worth it.

Waiting means something's coming.

You're waiting for something, some goal, someone...

The longer you wait, the harder you work, the more you anticipate, then the stronger you will be, and the better and sweeter it will be when you find it. 

Waiting is worth it.

That was then. Here we are now.

Moving forward slowly but surely.

My faith gets me through all of this.

This trail of the past year doesn't have to define me.

I will be soft. I refuse to let the world make me hard. I do not let the pain make me hate. I don't let the bitterness steal my sweetness. I take pride that even though you or the rest of the world may disagree, I still believe the world is a beautiful place.

Lovelies, I'm falling in love again...

with life.

Decide right now to love life. To love it even when you have no stomach for it and everything you've held dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands, blown away by the storms of adversity, you throat filled with the silt of it. When grief sits with you, its tropical heat thickening the air, heavy as water more fit for gills than lungs; when grief weighs you like your own flesh only more of it, an obesity of grief, you think how can anyone stand this? Go look in the mirror and hold life like a face between your palms and say, "Yes I will take you. I will love you again." And run with it. 

Only you can make your dreams come true. 

What's stopping you?

There are some things in life you have to wait for.

There are other things you can't wait for. You have to make them happen. Nothing will ever be perfect so use the time you have. 

I know I'm jumping around here.

I love this quote by Stephen King:

"Remember, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

Hold onto hope, cling to it for dear life in the moments when all you feel is lost and alone. 

When you feel happy, really happy, it somehow seems that you've always been happy and that you'll always be happy. The same is often true when you feel sad, or lonely, or depressed, or broke, or sick, or scared. Remember that.

"I can just be me."

"She is not a failure because she tried some things that didn't work out. She only fails when she stops trying."

"Where we are today is where we are meant to be. It's where we are meant to be to get to where we are going tomorrow. And that place we're going tomorrow will be better than any we've been before."

Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling but start. Start and don't stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just start.

Choose people who choose you.

Choose you.

Choose life.

"We can't predict all the struggles and storms in life, not even the ones just around the next corner, but as persons of faith and hope, we know beyond the shadow of any doubt that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and the best is yet to come."

-Elder L. Tom Perry

I love you, lovelies.

Love yourself.

<W/L3 

Charley Brooke

My Eyes Rain as the Sky Cries

 

 

         My Eyes Rain as the Sky Cries

          By: Charley Brooke (2012)

Rain or teardrops?

So hard to differentiate 

Falling, falling, nonstop 

Pouring through floodgates

Pounding on roofs and hearts

Rushing like a waterfall

Invisible falling stars of art

Wipe them off, replaced with a plastic doll smile

All because I'm waiting for the good part

Before these tears, raining from these eyes, I drown.

Pull apart. Take apart. Break apart.

When will I be found?

Take me to the rain.

Kiss away the pain.

Bring on the storm, the lightning, the thunder. 

Never again shall we be asunder.

Now I can see clear with no more tears.

He whispered in my ear "Have no fears. I'll be your knight in the night."

It only takes one spark.

To light up the dark.

I pulled you into an embrace

"Why are you sad, boy?"

And I discovered these were tears of joy

Perhaps sometimes the sky cries for us 

In raindrops of happiness. 

A Little More Love & Dr. Oz

My story could fill a novel.

Letter after letter... all 26 of them.

Page after page.

Book after book.

If I were a full time blogger, I could tell you everything...

However, time is limited as I'm sure it is for almost everyone on this planet.

I want to tell you a little more I forgot to mention in my post yesterday. Here goes!

Once upon a time, I was a miserable girl.

I tried to inspire others to make myself happy.

I find happiness in making others happy.

I was in so much pain.

Starting in 2011, it just shot through me like a thousand bullets.

Now what I am about to tell you is not to complain.

I have never once felt sorry for myself in regards to the adversity and trials I've faced... nor for the pain and mysterious disease (which we'd later after much trial and error would find out was endometriosis).

I had the worst pain ever. It was constant. All the time. So bad.

I wanted to just cry and scream because that's how horrific the pain was. I felt at times like I was going to die. I knew with all of me that something was wrong. Very WRONG (and if you read my previous blog post, you'll find I was very RIGHT). I didn't have a clue on what to do. I saw doctor after doctor after doctor to no avail. They seemed clueless, careless, and lacking the knowledge and tools to make proper diagnosis's.

I wished that Dr. House (from the TV show House) was my doctor because then I'd have answers and could fix it. 

That was wishful thinking and until my miracle came, I knew I would just have to tough it out. I would have to ride through the pain. It sounds depressing. However, it was a learning period. I grew stronger than ever before. I kept hope. I knew that God wouldn't put me through any trial I couldn't handle. He will push us to the edge of our breaking points, but never over and is always there for us.

Many of you have probably seen or heard of The Dr. Oz Show.

One random day in April 2011, I decided to do some research on his website. 

There was a segment that would soon film called "Dr. Oz Ultimate Question".

I made the choice to ask him about my ailment. I mentioned my story with the pelvis pain. The pain which prevented me from living a normal life that a 21 year old girl should like. Instead, I was kept in bed most of the time living the life of a 81 year old. I said I wanted help and didn't know what to do because the doctors in my city couldn't figure it out or didn't care. I asked what to do about it since the doctors would all tell me I was too young to have any pelvis or gynocological problems at my age.

Honestly, I didn't think much of it or that I would hear back. OH! I was incredibly wrong! I was surprised when the very next day, my mom came home from work and said the senior executives from the show had called her twice and wanted me to call them ASAP. I was in shock. I was nervous to call them back because it felt so surreal. Yet it was exciting.

That girl who had to spend all of her life indoors trapped like Cinderella or Rapunzel might finally have reason to hope. 

I called the producers and told them my story. 

They were very optimistic and interested in my story. 

We talked for almost an hour. I thought things went wonderful and that this was going somewhere.

They discussed all the details about how they would fly me and one guest to New York City and pay for a hotel so I could be on the show.

At the conclusion of the conversation, the producers told me they would be in contact with me soon about the final decision.

Days went by and I was anxiously awaiting a phone call from the people at the show with their decision as to whether or not I would be on the show which was to film on May 31, 2011.

I sent them an e-mail with information and pictures of my mom and I that they wanted on May 11th. Then they called me on Thursday asking questions for more information about me and my situation. It sounded promising. The man I talked to said he'd be calling me in the next few days. 

All the waiting was driving me crazy because waiting was one of my least favorite things in the world.

I was trying desperately to stay positive. I expected the worst while hoping and dreaming for the best. This would be an incredible opportunity in numerous ways. It could be my only chance to get the best medical help possible, answer my questions, and solve my crazy health mystery. 

I prayed everything would work out. I would be absolutely devastated if I was turned down. After all, there was nothing worse at the time than thinking I had a chance when I really didn't. 

I knew I would cry if I was turned down... uncontrollably. Then again, I would likely cry with tears of joy if I got to be on the show! 

I began to place the idea in my head that no news was good news. 

I hoped.

My pain was becoming more intense, and I couldn't take the not knowing because it has always been one of the worst feelings to me.

Time passed as it does with every unstoppable second and there was still no word from Dr. Oz Land yet. 

I was still waiting, waiting, waiting.

I figured if I got turned down it would be because I lived too far away--on the opposite side of the country! Haha the man I spoke with had no idea where Pocatello, Idaho was! 

Still nothing on Saturday May 21, 2011, I wrote the following journal entry...

"Do I turn left where nothing is right? Or do I turn right where nothing is left? If your presence doesn't make any difference, your absence won't either, right? Sometimes what holds you together and tears you apart are the same thing. I am deciding to live life so completely that when death comes to me like a thief in the night, there will be nothing left for him to steal. Sometimes there are no time outs, no second chances, it's now or never. Most people don't know who they are that's why they lie. They're afraid someone will figure it out before they do. What we do in life echoes in eternity. I think love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurtles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it's destination full of hope. Our lives are defined by moments, especially the ones we never see coming."

Days later and still no word from Dr. Oz/staff. I assumed it was a no go. I knew it then. I didn't know why I expected differently. I was frustrated that they promised to call back one way or another and didn't. I found it to be entirely unprofessional. I don't care how famous you are, you don't treat people like that, like they don't matter or aren't worth your time. I love the quote by Natalie Portman, "The minute you think you are better than someone else is the minute you need to be slapped in the face." Kindness should be born inside of us like an organ as vital as blood or oxygen. How much better would the world be if kindness was abound?

Unfortunately, it isn't a reality.

That wouldn't stop me from being kind though... from having hope... from enduring. We can choose to be bitter and miserable since life isn't always fair and bad things happen and we don't always get what we want, or we can choose to be happy and savor gratefully the blessings we have which are countless and surround us.

May 31st came and went and I never received a phone call or e-mail from the show. I was not on the Dr. Oz show.

I won't deny the hurt I felt. It was crushing but I had a feeling all would be well.

Everything happens for a reason. 

I made the decision to try and live a life with the pain no matter how limited that life would be.

I went on a cruise with my family in summer 2011... hurting but hopeful.

I found strength in words of others such as:

"Pain is a gauge of the healing process. It often teaches us patience. Perhaps this is why we use the term patient in referring to the sick. Opposition is part of Heavenly Father's plan of happiness. We all encounter enough to bring us to an awareness of our Father's love and of our need for the Savior's help. During His mortal life Christ chose to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand us. Perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand Him and our eternal purposes."

-Elder Kent F. Richards

How lovely is that? We wouldn't know good without the bad. 

We wouldn't know pain without pleasure.

I knew I could make it through. Patience was a lesson I had to learn even if it was one of the hardest things I ever did. Learning to be patient has changed my life for the better. I now know the best things in life are worth the wait. Nothing worthwhile is EVER easy, but ALWAYS worth it.

I made the choice to be happy and see this as a mountain I could overcome. It's funny how when you aren't looking life can show you a better view. Mine did. You can't be happy unless you're unhappy sometimes. It hurts like you wouldn't believe to deal with the rough times, but once the sweet moments of heaven on earth come your way, all of the pain you suffered is forgotten. The sweetness overpowers the bitter completely. I decided that no matter what direction life took I would never stop giving thanks for being alive and living. For being me.

"No matter how upside down it all may temporarily appear, we will have no fear because we know this secret: life is crazily in love with us-wildly and innocently in love with us. The universe always gives us exactly what we need when we need it when the time is right."

-Rob Brezny

We never know what will happen, but I believe that good things happen even when bad things happen. What could you not accept if you knew that all things are planned by the one who has your best interests in mind? 

All my life this Haiku by the AMAZING Tyler Knott Gregson held true.

"There are holes in me

pieces I was born without

You are all I lack"

I had faith that I would find my prince. That I would find answers. That I would no longer be this broken girl. I would be whole.

The answer to finding love is letting it find you.

Don't worry and waste your time searching, love will come to you when the time is right and God will give you the best love story, better than you could ever imagine.

I found my Ryan at the perfect time.

The exact time.

I stopped looking and then he came.

We found each other.

I will tell you over and over again that there is nothing better than love.

Now to a few stories I adore.

My momzy (Angie) and I (her oldest daughter).

Momzy is hilarious.

Lets talk about irony.

The day before Ryan started talking to me on Facebook and the beginning of forever began for us, I was living at my parents' home. My mom bought me a book about how to be happy and content being single in life... Haha little did she know I'd be married within five months and meet my future husband the following day. Silly momzy. I love that story. She always wanted the best for me but thought my standards were too high. Let me tell you this: NEVER lower your standards for anyone. You will find what you are looking for and who. Don't settle. There are 7 billion people in this world and one is out there who is perfect for you.

Last cutesy story of tonight:

In April when Ryan I were engaged, he would come visit me every single night or day.

Aww I felt so bad one night. He came over and we watched House and I fell asleep in his warm arms and he scooped me up in them and carried me to my bed and tucked me in since I was so tired and exhausted. I love that boy (husband) of mine! How did I get so lucky?

"Love knows no limits to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope, it can out last anything. Love stands still when all else has fallen."

<W/L3 Charley Brooke Syndergaard

Love Is

How do you know when you're in love with someone?

I don't mean love in the sense of the way you love your family (from the moment your heart starts beating, the first breath into your lungs, the safety and history as familiar as the sun or stars--knowing they'll be there day and night, one of the other) or they way you love your friends (aka the family you choose or who choose you such as I've loved Aubrey since we decided to have our first sleepover when she was 5 and I was 4 and the fact that we were complete strangers couldn't stop us from becoming friends forever, a love that is never ending, a love where even if we haven't seen each other in way too long, nothing's changed and it's like we were never apart, a true best friend becoming sisters by choice [she's my older sister and I'm here younger sister] or the way I love Deedra even though we just met last year or I never thought you could make a new, amazing friend that would develop into one of the best friendships at my age even though we started our as co-workers being obligated to spend 9 hours, nearly 5 days a week, in a small office space having to work together, spend a large part of our time with one another, and now spending time together even outside of work by choice and knowing we'd do anything for the other, or the way I love Taylor and have since we first met as teenagers and with a love that defies distance because through that distance we've become closer than ever bonding our hearts together through words, connecting by letters that mean more than even the words and individual letters handwritten in them)?

NO, I KNOW how that love works unconditionally, undeniably, irrevocably--carried in your heart. I mean how do you know when you are in love, that you've met the "one" you will marry and be together forever? How do you realize that the love story you have spent your waking and sleeping, your hopes, your dreams, and prayers, and wishes on stars, birthday candles, on paper, out loud, at 11:11, as you watch A Walk To Remember, Charly, Titanic, The Notebook, and it's what gets you through the trails and heartaches? 

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

...until the words and days blur together, until waiting begins to feel like an emotion or a ghost haunting you , until waiting defines you and transforms into as much a part of the love you are searching for.

Is love when there are no doubts or worries or fears or questioning or wondering or second guessing or is it when you care so much about someone that none of the above matters, all that is important is that person and you put your trust in them and take a leap of faith knowing the risk but finding the greater risk is not taking the chance or making the moment and praying that he will catch you and instead of falling you will fly higher than the stars? Is it the opposite? Do you find the answer like in the movies and fairytales, at first glance across a crowded room or in the first kiss and finding it will be your last? Is it in the boy who never gives up on you and will kiss you in the pouring rain, dance with you in the middle of the road under a starlit sky with no music except the sound of him singing for you or the symphony of your heartbeats, or builds your dream house, or writes you a love letter every single day like Noah?

Is it in the boy like Landon Carter who takes you by surprise, who changes and makes you change into your best self, who helps you accomplish all of the goals and things on your list of things to do before you die just to see your smile and make you happy, who makes promises he won't fall in love with you and vice versa but finds in his heart is yours, and yours beats inside his chest, and without the other you're incomplete, who is always patient, always kind, always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and endures all things?

Does it wash over you slowly like a light rain shower or crash into you like a wave, like a storm, soaking you into your very bones and lighting up your heart like lightning? Does it change the reflection you see in the mirror? Is it at a steady pace or racing like a sprinter? Is love when you don't have to ask yourself any of these questions because you find the answer in a feeling you get that's always been there and is found in the eyes of the one you're meant to be with and you just know it more than you know yourself, more than you know anything?

All I know is love, true love, is out there... that it's worth all the questions you have and the loneliness leading you to it. Love is worth everything, anything, and more. I'm certain there's a reason for the wait. You must do the seeking and praying and preparing before the finding, before you've found L.O.V.E. Four ordinary, common letters that form together what they cannot even apart: the most beautiful, extraordinary, rare, meaningful word to ever exist...to be thought, to be written, to be said, to be heard, to be felt. 

Love is worth it.

Love never fails.

Love is seeing an imperfect person perfectly, the person perfect for you and that you're perfect to.

<W3/L (With Love)

 Charley Brooke