The Prize

"Surely he hath born our griefs and carried our sorrows."
-Isaiah 53:4

 

"I could promise you this. If two people believe in something, really believe, anything even the impossible, is possible."
-Castle

 "I bet you could sometimes find all the mysteries of the universe in someone's hand."
-Benjamin Alire Saenz

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead. Even though you have to endure many trials for a little while."
-1 Peter 1:8

"Talk to yourself life you would to someone you love."
-Brene Brown

 "Breathing dreams like air."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald

"I've found time can heal most anything and you just might find who you're supposed to be."
-Taylor Swift

 "Love isn't what you expect it to be. You imagine being drunk on happiness, but the truth is, you worry all the time. There's a moment when you realize that you've gotten everything you wished for. And right on it's heels is the understanding that this means you have so much more to lose."
-Jodi Picoult

 I love life
even when it hurts so much it knocks the wind out of you...
You still CAN breathe and OH how that breath of fresh air feels amazing. 
I've still been going to Singles Ward. 
It's bittersweet. I love drawing closer to the Lord and learning more, yet all the talk of dating, eternal marriage, and families cut like a knife to the heart, and I worry I'll bleed out all over myself and everyone will see it and stare. 
I decided I HAD to move on, stand up, and walk away.
I couldn't build a future from a broken past.
I had to start building a wonderful now for an incredible future.
I couldn't hold on to someone who let me go. 
There was no hope in what I was doing.
There was hope if I changed. 
I have to believe that there's a future out there for me.
I have to believe something wonderful is about to happen.

"The only cure I have ever known for fear and doubt and loneliness is an immense love of self."
-Allison Malee

The prize is every second you're alive. Your endless potential to change the world for the better. Your chance to find love, give love, and receive love.

That, my lovelies, is the prize.










Today's music-spiration was brought to you by: The Prize (Acoustic) by The Kite String Tangle

Wait. They don't love you like I love you.

I've come to the conclusion that sometimes there are phases in our lives that feel like a waiting room. There's nothing anyone can do about it. Most of the time change happens slowly, one day at a time. You have to be patient with small steps in the right direction. That's what life is. Small, long, hard steps that you take every single day so that when you look back you see how far you've truly come, it adds up, the distance you've covered. You have to smile and press forward enjoying the journey, the now, realizing the wait will be worth it.

Waiting doesn't mean you're just standing still watching your life pass by... waiting means to keep going  and never let go or falter even when it seems impossible. What you're waiting for could be further along the path and you can't see it. You want to give up, but you CAN'T stop because it's there. Once you reach it, and you will, you'll discover it was worth the wait, that you'd actually repeat the tedious, tearstained, treacherous, heartbreaking, seemingly unending trip and time it took to get there. Not only would you'd repeat it, you'd do it again countless times because it's that worth it.

Waiting means something's coming.

You're waiting for something, some goal, someone...

The longer you wait, the harder you work, the more you anticipate, then the stronger you will be, and the better and sweeter it will be when you find it. 

Waiting is worth it.

That was then. Here we are now.

Moving forward slowly but surely.

My faith gets me through all of this.

This trail of the past year doesn't have to define me.

I will be soft. I refuse to let the world make me hard. I do not let the pain make me hate. I don't let the bitterness steal my sweetness. I take pride that even though you or the rest of the world may disagree, I still believe the world is a beautiful place.

Lovelies, I'm falling in love again...

with life.

Decide right now to love life. To love it even when you have no stomach for it and everything you've held dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands, blown away by the storms of adversity, you throat filled with the silt of it. When grief sits with you, its tropical heat thickening the air, heavy as water more fit for gills than lungs; when grief weighs you like your own flesh only more of it, an obesity of grief, you think how can anyone stand this? Go look in the mirror and hold life like a face between your palms and say, "Yes I will take you. I will love you again." And run with it. 

Only you can make your dreams come true. 

What's stopping you?

There are some things in life you have to wait for.

There are other things you can't wait for. You have to make them happen. Nothing will ever be perfect so use the time you have. 

I know I'm jumping around here.

I love this quote by Stephen King:

"Remember, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

Hold onto hope, cling to it for dear life in the moments when all you feel is lost and alone. 

When you feel happy, really happy, it somehow seems that you've always been happy and that you'll always be happy. The same is often true when you feel sad, or lonely, or depressed, or broke, or sick, or scared. Remember that.

"I can just be me."

"She is not a failure because she tried some things that didn't work out. She only fails when she stops trying."

"Where we are today is where we are meant to be. It's where we are meant to be to get to where we are going tomorrow. And that place we're going tomorrow will be better than any we've been before."

Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling but start. Start and don't stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just start.

Choose people who choose you.

Choose you.

Choose life.

"We can't predict all the struggles and storms in life, not even the ones just around the next corner, but as persons of faith and hope, we know beyond the shadow of any doubt that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and the best is yet to come."

-Elder L. Tom Perry

I love you, lovelies.

Love yourself.

<W/L3 

Charley Brooke

Near Death Experience

In an instant you can go from this...

To this.

On Friday December 6th,2013 at around 6:00am, my husband Ryan found me unconscious.

It was a great, relaxing night. I had just been released from a near week long stay at the hospital. We were lying in bed relaxing watching Grey's Anatomy. Ryan kissed me goodnight and tucked me in as always after we said our prayers. Then we went to bed. 

We were having a wonderful, usual night until the unexpected occurred.

By some miraculous chance, Ryan awoke earlier than usual and turned to check on the love of his forever. 

I was lying in bed next to him completely pale. My lips were blue. I was not breathing.

He went into survival mode with one goal in mind: to save his wife.

He pressed his lips to my cold mouth and desperately tried CPR to no avail.

He tried to splash water on me and shake me awake. 

I wouldn't wake up.

Somehow, miraculously, Ryan picked up my dead weight body and carried me up our cement stairs (we live in a basement apartment) and placed me in a blanket into his car and raced me to the hospital with superhero strength. He ran into the ER and got a secretary to grab a wheelchair and help him carry me inside the hospital. They called a code blue and rushed me back into the hospital.

My oxygen level was 40. 

Ryan waited in the waiting room and called my mom.

She called my sisters and grandma and father.

They rushed to the hospital.

It was the scariest moment of my entire life.

I went to sleep and suddenly woke up to bright lights.

I felt like I was drowning and couldn't breathe.

There were tubes down my throat.

Dozens and dozens of doctors rushed around me, surrounding me.

It was chaos.

I was paralyzed.

I couldn't move a limb or talk.

I thought I was going to die. 

I had no idea what was going on.

I thought I had locked in syndrome.

I wanted to cry and scream and find my family and wake up to hope this was nightmare.

I could only move my eyes.

Suddenly, I heard the voices of my mom and Ryan. 

I said a silent prayer in my mind to have them come to me.

All of a sudden I was calmed when they appeared in front of me.

I looked them in the eyes with a gaze that spoke more than all the words in the world could.

I was okay. I loved them. I was saved. I loved them loved them loved them.

The doctors took me away and ran me to a CT and somehow I was able to tell a nurse I was freezing cold.

Funny story in all of this. 

I used all of my strength and was able to fight the medicine that kept me from moving. I could control my hand. The nurses handed me a white board and marker to write what I wanted to say... This is what I wrote (or tried to).

"THIS HURTS LIKE HELL"

is what I was trying to say.

I was in so much pain!

The medicine they used to try and sedate my mind and take away the pain wasn't working.

Too bad my handwriting looked like gibberish!

The doctors told my family that there was a possibility that I might not be me. I might be a vegetable or lose brain function. 

They said to prepare for the worst.

They got the best!

Luckily, I was fine. 

I was completely me. I could think. I was awake the entire time. 

They put me in a temporary coma and I was on a breathing machine and life support.

They did this so my body could rest for a bit.

It turned out that I had a reaction to some medication.

That's what caused my heart and lungs to stop.

It was the most amazing, hopeful, happy moment when they woke me up and I saw my beautiful family. They took the tubes out of my mouth, and I could breathe. It was a miracle.

I am a miracle.

This is proof there are miracles.

I am so thankful for those doctors and nurses that saved my life.

I can't thank them enough. 

Ryan is my hero.

He saved me.

If he hadn't found me or woken up, I'd be dead right now.

I love my sweethearted husband.

I am grateful to all of my family and friends who supported me and were there for me during that time.

My father in law Paul and Ryan gave me a blessing before I woke up when I was in my worst state.

All of my family were comforting each other in the ICU waiting room and crying. I feel so bad.

I love them dearly.

Only three people were allowed to come in the room in the ICU at a time.

It was so wonderful to see my family come in three by three.

My sweet, darling sisters McHale and Jordan came in and embraced me and my little brother Christian (Lambsey).

My mom and grandma comforted me and held my hands.

Ryan was by my side the entire time. He kissed my forehead and took care of me the entire stay.

My mother in law Cindy and father in law Paul came in and saw me and supported me.

I'm so loved. 

And I LOVE all of them.

I got so many messages of support and love on Facebook from friends, associates, and strangers and I can't begin to express my gratitude towards them.

I got MRSA in the ICU. 

It was a little scary.

Everyone had to suit up in gowns and gloves to visit me.

There are strict rules in the ICU that no one can visit after 10:00 pm.

I had a super nurse Kamilla who let Ryan stay the whole night :) That made me so happy! We've never spent a night apart since we got married and I couldn't have made it alone without him there.

I believe it wasn't my time to go. Heavenly Father needs me here still for a reason.

I was in the hospital that whole week anyways and was discharged on Thursday.

My doctor was a surgeon who I feel neglected me and didn't care.

He didn't figure out what was wrong with me and why I am in such pain.

I feel like I'm dying somedays because I'm in pain that is outrageously, unbelievably intense. 

I felt he didn't care. He ran tests, but I feel like he could have done more.

He told me he was frustrated with me. 

Who does that?

It's not my fault I am hurting and something is wrong.

He was angry he couldn't figure it out... so he gave up.

Our health care system makes me want to cry sometimes.

I wish I could find a caring doctor.

I wish Dr. House was real because even if he didn't care, he would find the answers.

I need help.

But where do I find it?

I will stay happy though.

I am faithful.

There's always hope.

Pain is there for a reason. It means there is a problem.

Pain makes me stronger though.

These are my beautiful bridesmaids and best friends.

I am hurt and feel forgotten by a few of them and some other friends.

The girls are as followed in the picture: McHale and Jordan (my sisters), Deedra, me, Aubrey (Brie), and Stacie.

I didn't hear from some of them during all of this hell.

It breaks my heart.

I hate change. I hate when friends fade away. I would be there for any of them in a heartbeat if something was wrong.

I love them all no matter what. I just wish they felt the same. 

I miss you girls...

The lovely Tyson and I a few years ago. He will be my friend forever. He's like my older brother. I love you Ty! He's married to my best friend Brie. She's a lucky girl. I'm a lucky girl to know this boy. 

My wonderful, beautiful family. Always there for me.

Jordan (sister), Bob (stepdad), mom, Ryan, me, Colton (stepbrother), Tyler (stepbrother), McHale (sister), Alex (her boyfriend), and bottom row-- Christian (brother) and Tanner (stepbrother).

They are the best support system.

He is always saving me.

The best friends ever. I love them all with all of me. TyBrie (Tyson and Aubrey) are the most amazing friends a girl could ask for. They are ALWAYS without FAILURE or QUESTION there for me!!!

We have been dragged through the deepest pits of hell but always make it through because we live in heaven. Our love is heaven.

Always be thankful and happy! Life isn't a guarantee. Time is precious. It can be taken in an instant. I am living proof of that.

Sisters by blood, friends by choice. I love Jordy and Kale! The best sisters. They take care of me like no other.

CiCi + Brie= Once in a lifetime friends. We are friends for forever. We've been friends since we were 4!

Lovelies, spend every moment with love in your hearts. Learn from this. You could fall asleep and never wake up. A loved one could drop dead at any second. In the blink of an eye you could lose someone... your everything. Don;t wait. Do things now. Say things now. Be kind. Tell those you love that you love them. I love you! I love all of my loved ones. I am thankful.

I love this quote...

"Whatever your difficulties- a devastated heart, financial loss, feeling assaulted by the conflicts around you, or a seemingly hopeless illness- you can always remember that you are free in every moment to set the compass of your heart to your highest intentions. In fact, the two things that you are always free to do- despite your circumstances- are to be present and to be willing to love."

It's true. 

I am far from perfect, but I believe that you don't have to be perfect to inspire others. No one is perfect. Inspire people by how you deal with your imperfections. Your struggles. My friend Tyson, mentioned above, gave me this wisdom: When it comes to anger, trials, frustrations, fights, or hatred think of this... will it matter in 5 years? 10 years? 50 years? 500 years? Then let it go. Be happy. Be loving. 

I am an infinities worth of thankful.

<W/L3 (With Love),

Charley Brooke Syndergaard