Quiet

Quiet -MILCK

Put on your face.
Know your place.

Shut up and smile.

Don't spread your legs.

I could do that.

But no one knows me no one ever will.

If I don't say something, if I just lie still.

Would I be that monster, scare them all away.

If I let them hear what I have to say.

I can't keep quiet, no oh oh oh oh oh oh

I can't keep quiet, no oh oh oh oh oh oh

A one woman riot, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

I can't keep quiet

For anyone

Anymore.

Cuz no one knows me no one ever will.

If I don't say anything, take that dry blue pill.

They may see that monster, they may run away.

But I have to do this.

Oh I can't keep quiet

*Let it out Let it out now*

*Let it out now*

There'll be someone who understands

*Let it out Let it out now*

*Let it out now*

Must be someone who'll understand.

*Let it out Let it out now*

*Let it out now*

There'll be someone who understands.

*Let it out Let it out now*

I can't keep quiet, no oh oh oh oh oh oh 

I can't keep quiet.

No, I won't keep quiet.

B r E a T h E m E

Hey my BEAUTIFUL lovelies! I made this vlog in 2014, however I feel it's extremely relevant today when it comes to being vulnerable, laying your armor down, and going after what you're passion about. Take chances. What do you have to lose? Let me tell you something... you'll ALWAYS have more to gain when you step past that thing called fear and realize how much you've been missing on the other side of it. Lets be brave. Lets take our lives and make them ours. 


xoxo
-C

TEAM

Lovelies,

We're not just a nation.

We're a team.

I am a writer.

It's in my blood.

I spill words like ink to paper and this blog.

My own and others.

I journal.

I LOVE President Gordon B. Hinckley's thoughts on keeping a journal and writing down your story:

"You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of those meaningful and significant things. Some may be funny. Some may be significant only to you. Some of them maybe be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experience."

Words can tear, break, repair, and are essential to life.

Of course, there is nonverbal communication that can express more than all the words in every language could ever begin to say. In the touch of a lover. In the hug of a friend or family member, In the smile of a stranger. 

That are moments and feelings where words aren't necessary.

Where you can't find the words.

Where words don't exist to say what you need or want to say.

You can be speechless.

However, when you have something to say. SPEAK NOW.

Speak.

Don't keep quiet.

If you love someone, tell them. NOW. Don't wait.

The only exception is anger.

You need to watch yourself when you lose your temper or get feelings of rage or hurt... often during these times, words and emotions get the best of you and you can say things you can't take back. Things you probably don't mean. Words that can haunt a person forever. Words than can kill a soul.

As Rumi wrote: "Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder."

Say the words you mean.

Mean the words you say.

Speak now or forever hold your peace or regret that you didn't say what you needed to.

Words how little they mean when they're a little too late.

Listen as well.

Take in the words you hear.

Respond.

Pay genuine compliments to those around you.

You have the power to make someone's day, change lives, and bring about change just by opening your mouth and talking words of hope and love and kindness.

As you all are aware, I am struggling.

I am going through the hardest time of my entire life.

This trial threatens to tear me down every single day.

I just have to keep breathing.

I have to plan my days and fill them so I don't let this suffering drown me.

I am not okay but I will be.

That's what matters.

This quote by Taylor Swift says it all elegantly and with near perfection:

"Speak now or forever hold your peace, the words said by preachers at the end of wedding ceremonies all over the world, right before the vows. It's a last chance for protest, a moment that makes everyone's heart race, and a moment I've always been strangely fascinated by so many fantasize about bursting into a church, saying what they'd kept inside for years like in the movies. In real life, it rarely happens.

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I've begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything.

I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back regretting the moments we didn't speak up. When we didn't say "I love you" when we should've said "I'm sorry". When we didn't stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help.

Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.

What you say might be too much for some people. Maybe it will come out all wrong and you'll stutter and you'll walk away embarrassed, wincing as you play it all back in your head. But I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest.

So say it to them or say it to yourself in the mirror. Say it in a letter you'll never send or in a book millions might read someday. I think you deserve to look back on your life without a chorus of resounding voices saying 'I could've, but it's too late now.'

There is a time for silence. There is a time waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you'll know it.

I don't think you should wait. I think you should speak now."

I've been looking back through the pages of old journals.

I write down the words of people who pay me nice compliments or say things that mean a lot to me.

Maybe some of the words are from you.

We often forget the lovely words we say to people, but they can remember them forever.

That's how some of these comments are.

Maybe you don't remember saying them... but I'll never forget.

I am going to share some here... words that people said to me that have made all the difference in my life. These aren't all of them that I hold, but these are some. 

I don't think it's narcissistic. It's healing and refreshing to know people care.

I am going to share them here.

I'll change some of the names of the people who said these things to me just in case they don't want to their words to be shared with the world.

I ran into one of my favorite high school teachers in a grocery store by the flower aisle. 

He was talking to someone. He actually was one of my English teachers. He inspired me. He improved my writing. He made me a better writer. He had a way with words that helped me find my voice.

I saw him but didn't think he saw me. So I was going to talk by without a second glance (honestly I didn't think he would remember me) but as I passed by, he stopped and said to the person he was talking to, "Except Charley here. She's the only exception. She got an A. She was an amazing student!"

Then he smiled, ended the conversation with whoever he was talking to, turned his focus to me, hugged me, and we had about a ten minute conversation. He asked me about what I had been up to, my plans, dreams, etc. He told me he loved my Facebook posts and always looks forward to them. He said he liked how insightful and meaningful they were. He explained that when everyone my age is only getting on FB to post random pointless junk about partying and the like. He is an absolutely amazingly talented writer so it was a major compliment. It made my day.

"Your posts are some of my favorite :)"

-Kasey M.

"My mother absolutely adores you! She told me that you are seriously the most nicest girl ever!! Haha."

-Kayla

"You are my favorite of all of Christian's sisters :) You're the best babysitter EVER! and you always remind me that I'm awesome :) LOVE YOU CHARLEY :) P.S. You enjoy my random songs. :)"

-Drake (one of Lambsey's friends)

"Oh Char, you and I have become each others best friends. We have sister Saturday pretty much every Saturday. I love how close we are cause it's good to have your older sister be your best friend. Just letting you know how much I look up to you as like my role model. You get through every trial that is put in front of you. You never ever get mad and you don't hate anyone! Even the people I can't stand you're always so nice to them. You never lie and are always straight up with people. You also always give back and say thank you. You are so incredibly smart! Makes me jealous you're gorgeous. I love youuuuu!"

-Jordan Lawren Chriswell (my youngest sister)

Can I just say that comment touched my heart. It made me cry.

"Every breath you have ever taken was gold. You're the best kind of person and I think no matter what I'll always remember you as such."

-David

"You have always been one of the sweetest, most kind people I've ever met. There is no reason for you to be lonely. You have no idea. I would have to get a team together to search the country for a man worthy enough to have you. You will not be lonely forever. You shouldn't be now and not ever. I just mean he has to be kind, courteous, chivalrous, strong, regal, and the perfect gentleman. He will come and you will be completely blown over. You two will hit it off faster than they do in the storybooks. When he meets the Charley, he's going to just die. He will have to have you. Have a good night beautiful."

-Wilson (name has been changed).

That made me smile. I mean REALLY smile. I needed to hear it at the time.

"I miss you and I'm drinking a Diet Pepsi and it just doesn't feel right without you!"

-Deedra (hahah I love her)

A conversation I had with Wilson in 2012...

Charley (me): "I am sorry. I know that means absolutely nothing nor does it help or change anything. But some words of inspiration--maybe good things fall apart so even better things, things beyond our imagination, can fall together."

Wilson: "I guess. You realize saying those things makes just want to flirt with you."

C: "Flirt with me? Why me? Why especially when you love Brianna (name changed)?"

W: "Because I have had crushes on you since elementary school. Because you are insanely beautiful and you seem to be more and more my type as we talk. Because even though I am turning into a mess, you make me feel like you would pick up the pieces."

C: "Why didn't you ever tell me? People should say these things you know, when they feel them. I am not insanely beautiful. I wish I was. I am just Jordan and McHale's sister. And what is your type? I am always here for you. I will help you pick up the pieces. I will also do anything to help you get Brianna back since I know you love her."

W: "Yes you are. You are their radiant and elegant sister. Not their other sister. I don't know why I never said anything. I never felt good enough and didn't think you would care. Thank you."

Just an FYI, Wilson and I never dated or were anything but friends. I didn't and don't like him like that. But we were good friends. I like being there and helping people.

Another Wilson/Charley conversation...

C: "How can you still believe in love? Do you believe in soulmates?"

W: "Of course I believe in love. I don't know about soulmates."

C: "How do you still believe in it though?"

W: "Shouldn't having your heart ripped out make it more obvious that it's real? Should all the joy and happiness you feel gets taken away make love that much more apparent and desirable? You know it's real. There's a reason why you've been wishing for it forever. Everyone wants love. When it's taken away from us it hurts worse than anything else because it is the greatest feeling and power on Earth."

That was eye opening. I'd never thought about it like that before.

Haha I love the following quote. I went on a triple date with some friends. My little sister came along and he date paid for her. I was in shock and telling him how cute and nice that was. He exclaimed, "What has the world come to when it's such a surprise when a guy pays for the girl. It should be expected. A guy should always pay for his lady. That's how it's supposed to be."

True story.

"You are such a sweet person. You are amazing and I always love your posts :) You are beautiful and I am thankful to know you! You deserve all of the good that life has to offer."

-Alecia

"Well I just thought I would post on your wall about how thankful I am for you!!! You are just the most gorgeous and sweet person I have ever met. You always have amazing statuses and you always greet me with a big beautiful smile. Thanks for making my day a little brighter with your kind words and kind smile."

-Angela :)

"It's almost been two years since we met right? Thank you so much for always letting me read your Facebook posts that help me out through the day. You are amazing along with your family! You are special!"

-Holden (named changed) we once dated. He recently got married. I am so happy for him :)

"I love you so much! It has been so long since I've seen you and I must meet up with you soon pretty lady!!! You're such an incredible friend :) mwah <3 I miss our letters."

-Paige Madison

Oh my goodness, this is the silliest. most random conversation that took place on night at TyBrie's house...

Tyson: "Are we humans or are we dancers?"

Me (To Lambsey): "Somebody told me that you had a girlfriend who looked like a boyfriend that I had in February of last year."

Lambsey: "It's not confidential, I've got potential."

Brie: "You know what I'm getting from this conversation? Who is this boyfriend you had in February, and why did he look like a girl?"

Me: "No Christian's girlfriend looked like a boy."

Brie: "No because she is me. I'm his secret girlfriend trying to be scandalouser than you cause he's younger than me."

Lambsey: "This sounds like an episode of Desperate Housewives!"

Brie: "That means I'm Gabby!"

Lambsey: "Then Tyson is Carlos and I'm John!"

Brie: "I wish I looked like Gabrielle!"

Tyson: "I wished I had as much money as Carlos."

*We all laughed so hard our stomachs hurt*

Brie (To me): "Then I guess that makes you Susan."

Me: "Oh well! That's fine by me. It means I get Mike Delfino!"

Yep, we can be silly.

 I wrote a Facebook status that stated: "A real girl isn't perfect. A perfect girl isn't real." One of my friends named John made a sweet observation: "And yet love masks imperfections making a perfect girl very real."

"So I just decided that you have amazing quotes and I thought I'd let you know."

-Melissa

"Charley... you are adorable! I was just being all creepy stalker like and looking at your blog... it's cute. I like it :)"

-Brie

"I love you girl. You are so inspiring."

-Angie

"Charley :) I miss your B-E-A-Utiful face, and adorable eyes :) I just love you so much! You are my favorite! Darling, you're so cute. Save some cuteness for the rest of us. You are beautiful period."

-Taylor

"You got it all goin for ya pretty lady!"

-Maddie

"Lofes you so much, you are the best pretty lil lady :)"

-McHale Annette Chriswell (sister)

One of my statuses was "I wish I was a star."

I got the following responses.

Taylor: "You're a star to me."

Lacey: "="I love stars. I have always had some infatuation with them. Haha. I'm not sure what kind of "star" you're talking about but if it's like celebrity then me too! Awhhh. That's cute. I think Taylor's right. You're already a star!"

Jordan: "Hey, you are a star! Don't let anyone tell you differently."

Chris: "Charley, you should be a counselor."

Kirsten: "Charley you are amazing."

David: "Charley that is impossible to promise. You are an irresistible person and who doesn't love you is out of their mind."

Alexia: "Charley, you're gorgeous! Miss you a lot!"

Lizzy: "See you are gorgeous and your smile is stunning."

My friend/step cousin Mitch said the nicest thing to me once upon a time.

"You're like a superhero in my eyes. All the s--- you've had to walk through. And still are walking through. There's no one else who I have such a high admiration for. You truly are amazing. I love you."

Another Taylorism (he is the kindest. Mind you he has a gorgeous girlfriend now! We are still friends but these are words from the past!): "Charley! I care about you so much! More than I show! I just want you to be happy more than anything. I've been thinking about you all week. You're so beautiful."

David gave the best compliments. Always cheering this girl up!

"Dearest friend, I hope all is well. Your smile brightens up the world and makes all things wonderful, just like you do :) Charley, you are the most wonderful person I have ever had the privilege of being friends with and I treasure you :) You brighten up my life and make me smile."

"Sweet dreams Char. I really hope things get better with your health, you're a strong girl. If there is ever anything I can do to help you out please let me know. I am glad I got to see you."

-Mat

"Charley Brooke is one of the most beautiful inspirational people in the world. I envy her... and it makes it worse that I have to face her everyday! I love my angelic sister so very much :):):)"

-McHale (my sweethearted angel of a sister)

"You're very talented in this matter! Better keep it up! People LOVE your writing and gorgeous pictures."

-One of you lovelies! An anonymous lovely who reads my blog (I adore you!)

"Charley Brooke Chriswell is one hundred percent positive one hundred percent of the time. I really admire her."

-The lovely Morgan 

"I really like it when I have a bad day, and something you post makes me instantly feel better."

-Ben

"You're a beautiful writer."

-Tabbi

"Dear Charley... I just have to say your profile picture is awesome! I miss that time we went skydiving together... Love you!"

-Jacklyn

"Your story didn't start out on a dark and stormy night--I promise! I was there... It started out with the most beautiful little girl who was and still is the joy of her mother and father's life. You are a great story and your ending has yet to be written and I bet when it is finished it will be a BLOCKBUSTER!!!"

-My dad

"So you probably get this often, but I think you're really pretty."

-A random stranger

"Charley, I know I don't know you very well. But, I've been reading your blog during my downtime at work and I feel like I know you so well! So much of what you say I can relate to. Keep up the good work."

-Wilson (not the Wilson mentioned above)

"I need you to make me a book of your sayings so when I get in a jam I'll have the right words to say."

-David (a cousin)

"I know a million girls who wish they looked like you. No lie. You're tall. You're thin. You're beautiful. Go look in the mirror and say good things about yourself, Charley. You have a lot of style and personality."

-Daniel

"You should write self help books!"

-Gabrielle

"Love love love love love love love your statuses."

-Lisa

"Honestly your statuses make my life. They're amazing."

-Erica

"You are cute. Too bad people aren't more like you huh? :)"

-TC

"Char, I LOVE your words beyond anything I could tell you. You are a great person, and I am so proud and happy to be your father. You make me so proud."

-Dad

"Charley!!! You are so cute and your messages make my day :) You are an awesome girl and I love your positive outlook on life... your posts and quotes always make me happy!"

-Kimberly

Okay I could keep going foreverrrr. These are comments I've written in only a few of my journals. I write your words down just like mine.

My point is, these words help me even now! I am going through hell but I see heaven. I know heaven is there. This path will take me to where I belong. Your words mean more to me than earthly possessions. I treasure words like gold. Words take seconds to say and can have lasting impressions. These words and the things you continue to tell me just completely overwhelm me with happiness. I love you all completely, lovelies. You are the loveliest. I hope my words mean to me and touch you like yours do for me.

I encourage all of you to write or tell your story in one form or another. 

We all are creating our own movie moments. Love each one. I write so I can remember and share them.

THANK YOU for all of your support. 

Your words.

For speaking now and forever.

To speaking now&always,

<W/L3

C

Lay Your Armor Down

Lovelies!
Hope this one words better audio/visual wise

Here's another Vlog...

I want to do something splendid before I go into my castle--something heroic, or wonderful--that won't be forgotten after I'm dead. I don't know what, but I'm on the watch for it, and mean to astonish you all someday.

I think it's vital to think about things bigger than yourself--to try and make a difference with what you have while you can.

Sometimes our lives can change so fast that the change out paces our minds and hearts. It's those times I think, when our lives have altered but we still long for the time before everything was altered--that's when we feel the greatest pain. I can tell you, though, from experience, you grow accustomed to it. You learn to live your new life, and you can't imagine, or even really remember, how things were before. You can take this life, or mess, and make it a better life. 

In the words of the brilliant poet/wordmaster Tyler Knott Gregson, 

"Weary hands and heavy hearts be still

Swollen eyes and stolen breath be still

Shaking skin and soul sick sighs be still

Be still

Be still."

I am strong, lovelies.

I feel overwhelmingly week most of the time, but I know I am strong.

I have a different kind of strength...

I have LOVE.

Did you know that some of the best people who ever lived went through the hardest times?

The harder they tried, the harder it got, but they took heart.

Take heart.

You can be incredible.

It's crazy how one minute of your life can affect the next million.

You are in control of your time.

Make it the best.

Take chances.

Whenever you feel alone just remember you have stars hidden in your skin.

You have me.

I am always here for you.

I hope there are people there for me.

I will always remain good to people. I think that being good to people--you'll never regret that. Maybe you'll get walked all over, maybe you'll get tricked, maybe you'll get fooled, but I think it's so much better to be kind to people and to trust people rather than to have your guard up and say mean things to people. You never want to be the reason that someone else feels bad.

As Tyler Knott says best: 

"Be gentle,

always delicate

with every soul

you meet,

for every single morning

you wake up,

there is someone 

wishing,

silently,

that they 

had not."

I am going to leave you with some quotes (this is McQuote after all) that have had an impact on me lately...

"Life has many ways of testing a person's will--either by having nothing happen at all, or by having everything happen at once."

-Paulo Coelho

"Don't base your decisions on the advice of people who don't have to deal with the consequences."

"Great," I said, feeling terrible.

"I am homesick for a place. I am note sure even exists. One where my soul is understood. Where my heart is full. My body loved."

"It's easy to look at people and make quick judgments about them, their present and their past, but you'd be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceburg hidden from sight. And more often than not, it's lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul."

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."

"Love isn't always going to be perfect. It's not a fairytale, or a storybook. And it doesn't always come easy. Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. It's a short word; easy to spell, difficult to define, and impossible to live without. Love is accepting all of the complexities and simplicities. Love is work. But most of all, love is realizing every hour, minute, and second was worth it because you did it together."

"It astounds me how great our capacity is for self-inflicted verbal abuse in the realms of our minds. When I step back and consider some of the things that I tell myself on any given day, I'm disgusted because they are mostly things that I would never be cruel enough to say to someone else. But for some reason, it's easy and almost automatic to talk to myself like this."

-Don't Let Yourself Be Defeated By Your Negative Self-Talk

"Men, take care not to make women weep, for God counts their tears."

-President Thomas S. Monson

"You need to see that life is not always perfect. We will not always get what we want. And although it hurts a lot, what should've happened, happened. Who should've left, left, and whatever's thrown you off course will always bring you to where it is you need to be."

"It may be safely assumed that no person has ever lived entirely free of suffering and sorrow, nor has there ever been a period in human history that did not have its full share of turmoil and misery. When the pathway of life takes a cruel turn, there is the temptation to ask the question, 'Why me?' At times there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel, no sunrise to end the night's darkness. We feel encompassed by the disappointment of shattered dreams and the despair of vanished hopes. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. We become impatient for a solution to our problems, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required.
The difficulties which come to us present us with the real test of our ability to endure. A fundamental question remains to be answered by each of us: Shall I falter, or shall I finish? Some do falter as they find themselves unable to rise above the challenges. To finish involves enduring to the very end of life itself. 
Whenever we are inclined to feel burdened down with the blows of life, let us remember that others have passed the same way, have endured, and then have overcome.
The history of the Church (and world) in this, the dispensation of the fulness of times, is replete with the experiences of those who have struggled and yet who have remained steadfast and of good cheer. The reason? They have made the gospel of Jesus Christ the center of their lives. This is what will pull us through whatever comes our way. We will still experience difficult challenges, but we will meet them head-on, and to emerge victorious. 
From the bed of pain, from the pillow wet with tears, we are lifted heavenward by that divine assurance and precious promise: "I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." Such comfort is priceless.
Our purpose is to persevere and endure. Yes, but also to become more spiritually refined as we make our way through sunshine and sorrow. Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life. Only the Master knows the depths of our trials, our pain, and our suffering. He alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity. He alone touches our tortured souls with His comforting words: "Come unto me, all ye that are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, He is with us. He has promised that this will never change."
-President Thomas S. Monson

"Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear."
-The Hunger Games

"When you judge me without knowing me, you do not define me, you define yourself."

"I want to know you moved and breathed in the same world with me"
-F. Scott Fitzgerald

"Just remember that sometimes, the way you think about a person isn't the way they actually are."
-John Green

"I care so much I'm sick."
-Ray Bradbury

"Attract them by the way you live."
-Saint Augustine

"You're not in love with me, not really, you just love the way I always made you feel. Like you were the center of my world. Because you were. I would have done anything for you."
-Abby McDonald.

Lovelies,
the point is
You're sad? I'll cheer you up.
You're upset? I'd love to listen.
All you have to do is come to me, you know I'll be there for you.
Sadness isn't contagious.
Alone people don't seek out help.
If you want to help someone, if you want to be a friend, just do it.

<W/L3 
Charley Brooke

Th1rteen R3easons Why

Th1rteen R3asons Why

By Jay Asher

This book changed me forever. I will never ever forget it. I've been in Hannah's shoes before. I think we all have had Hannah moments... but have we also been one of the thirteen? This book is eerie, beautiful and absolutely, breathtakingly, devastating. I feel the world would be a better place if everyone read this. Read this. I could not put this book down. This was my second time reading it. It reveals what is behind the masks we all wear and how everything we do and say (or don't do and say) effects everything... This book touched my heart, and its fingerprints will remain etched there forever.

SUMMARY: When high school student Clay Jensen receives a box in the mail containing thirteen cassette tapes recorded by his classmate Hannah, who committed suicide, he spends a bewildering and heartbreaking night crisscrossing their town, listening to Hannah's voice recounting the events leading up to her death.

You can't stop the future,

You can't rewind the past.

The only way to learn the secret

...is to press play.

Clay Jensen doesn't want anything to do with the tapes Hannah Baker made. Hannah is dead. Her secrets should be buried with her.

Then Hannah's voice tells Clay that his name is on her tapes--and that he is, in some way, responsible for her death.

All through the night, Clay keeps listening. He follows Hannah's recorded words throughout his small town...

...and what he discovers changes his life forever.

MY FAVORITE QUOTES FROM THIS BOOK:
"Hello, boys and girls. Hannah Baker here. Live and in stereo. No return engagements. No encore. And this time, absolutely no requests. I hope you're ready; because I'm about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why my life ended. And if you're listening to these tapes, you're one of the reasons why."

-Hannah Baker

"The rules are pretty simple. There are only two. Rule number one: You listen. Number two: You pass it on. Hopefully neither one will be easy for you."

-Hannah

"Do not take me for granted... again."

-Hannah

"I hope you'll understand your role in all of this. Because it may seem like a small role now, but it matters. In the end, everything matters."

-Hannah

"What did you want to hear? Because I've heard so many stories that I don't know which one is the most popular. But I do know which is the least popular. The truth."

-Hannah

"When you hold people up for ridicule, you have to take responsibility when other people act on it."

-Hannah

"You can't rewrite the past."

-Clay Jensen 

"You can't know rumors. You can hear rumors but you can't know them."
-Hannah

"Did you notice the scars you left behind? No. Probably not. Because most of them can't be seen with the naked eye."

-Hannah

"Every story I'm telling leaves so many unanswered questions."

-Hannah

"I took the longest possible route home. I explored alleys and hidden roads I never knew existed. I discovered neighborhoods entirely new to me. And finally... I discovered I was sick of this town and everything in it."

-Hannah

"With the realization that no one knew the truth about my life, my thoughts about the world were shaken. Like driving along a bumpy road and losing control of the steering wheel, tossing you--just a tad--off the road. The wheels kick up some dirt, but you're able to pull it back. Yet no matter how tightly you grip the wheel, no matter how how hard you try to drive straight, something keeps jerking you to the side. You have so little control over anything anymore. And at some point, the struggle becomes too much--too tiring--and you consider letting go. Allowing tragedy...or whatever... to happen."

-Hannah

"I couldn't stop thinking about Hannah. How she looked. How she acted. How it never matched up with what I heard. But I was too afraid to find out for sure. Too afraid she might laugh if I asked her out. Just too afraid."
-Clay

"For the longest time... it seemed that I was the only one who cared about me. Will I ever get control of my life? Will I always be shoved back and pushed around by those I trust? Will my life ever go where I want it to?"
-Hannah

"I'm listening to someone give up. Someone I knew. Someone I liked. I'm listening. But still, I'm too late."
-Clay

Eventually, she said the words that ran through my mind for the rest of that night: "You don't need to watch out for me, Clay."
But I did, Hannah. And I wanted to. I could have helped you. But when I tried, you pushed me away.
I can almost hear Hannah's voice speaking my next thought for me. "Then why didn't you try harder?"


"I guess that's the point of it all. No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other people. Oftentimes, we have no clue. Yet we push it just the same."
-Hannah

"My heart and my trust were in the process of collapsing. And that collapse created a vacuum in my chest. Like every nerve in my body was withering in, pulling away from my fingers and toes. Pulling back and disappearing. I sat. And I thought. And the more I thought, connecting the events in my life, the more my heart collapsed."
-Hannah

"Maybe I wanted someone to point a finger at me and say, "Hannah. Are you thinking about killing yourself? Please don't do that, Hannah. Please?" 
But deep down, the truth was that the only person saying that was me. Deep down, those were my words."
-Hannah

"If you could hear other people's thoughts, you'd overhear things that are true as well as things that are completely random. And you wouldn't know one from the other. It'd drive you insane. What's true? What's not? A million ideas, but what do they mean?"
-Hannah

"If my love were an ocean,
there would be no more land.
If my love were a desert,
you would see only sand.
If my love were a star--
late at night, only light.
And if my love could grow wings,
I'd be soaring in flight."
-Hannah

"If you hear a song that makes you cry and you don't want to cry anymore, you don't listen to that song anymore. But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide to not see yourself anymore. You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head."
-Hannah

"Looking down into her eyes, I couldn't help telling her I was sorry. Sorry for waiting so long to let her know how I felt. For a brief moment, I was able to admit it. To her. To myself. But I could never admit it again. Till now. But now, it's too late. And that's why, right at this moment, I feel so much hate. Toward myself. I deserve to be on this list. Because if I hadn't been so afraid of everyone else, I might have told Hannah that someone cared. And Hannah might still be alive."
-Clay

"Soul Alone" by Hannah Baker
I meet your eyes
you don't even see me
You hardly respond
when I whisper
hello
Could be my soul mate
two kindred spirits
Maybe we're not
I guess we'll never
know


My own mother
you carried me in you
Now you see nothing
but what I wear
People ask you
how I am doing
You smile and nod
don't let it end
there


Put me
underneath God's sky and 
know me
don't just see me with you eyes
Take away
this mask of flesh and bone and
see me 
for my soul




alone


"You don't know what went on in the rest of my life. At home. Even at school. You don't know what goes on in anyone's life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person's life, you're not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can't be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person's life, you're messing with their entire life."
-Hannah

"You can't go back to how things were. How you thought they were. All you really have... is now."
-Hannah

"The thing is," I say, "I never really missed her till now."
He sits back in his seat and looks over at me.
"I didn't know what to make of that night. Everything that happened. I'd liked her for so long from so far away, but I never had a chance to tell her." I look down at the Walkman. "We only had one night, and by the end of that night, it seemed like I knew her even less than before. But now I know. I know where her mind was that night. Now I know what she was going through."
My voice breaks, and in that break comes a flood of tears.
-Clay

With my face pressed against the bars, I begin to cry. If anyone is walking through the park, I know they can hear me. But I don't care if they hear me because I can't believe I just heard the last words I'll ever hear from Hannah Baker... I would have helped her if she'd only let me. I would have helped her because I want her to be alive.
-Clay


Always remember, even when it feels like you are all alone and you don't have anyone to talk to, you do. There's a national phone number and Web site (1-800-SUICIDE and www.hopeline.com) available 24/7. I am always here for you. Remember to always tell the ones you love how you feel. Speak now. And keep unkind words to yourself. Love will always overcome hate.