In other awkwardness in the life of Charley, Bo (ex-boyfriend) came by my apartment tonight. It was the first time I've seen him since we broke up. He was dropping off my mom's broken lamp piece that he fixed from his furniture store. He made small talk for about ten minutes, working the weather, our families, the holiday season, etc as he stood in the freezing cold. I didn't invite him in because I didn't want to talk/hang out with him after what he did to me. You could tell he wanted to though. His eyes begged for an unspoken invitation into my apartment and my heart.
I've moved on.
I didn't hide the fact that I'm over him and had no interest in talking to him whatsoever. He could tell because he kept stopping and shaking his head and interrupting me, saying: "You hate me! You totally hate me!"
to which I rightfully denied because it's not true. As I told him, I don't hate him. I don't hate anyone. But I'm definitely not his biggest fan. I don't consider him a friend either. (I didn't mention the last sentence to him or this one out loud). He's just an associate. I don't like him like him or dislike him or even like him, we're just neutral, normal, polite. It's forced.
"and there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears."
"Make it count. Meet me at the clock!"
-Jack Dawson
"I miss the days where we would play outside for hours and never get bored. I miss the innocence of being just a kid."
"Tell me, princess, how when did you last let your heart decide?"
-Aladdin
"If God is with you, who can be against you?"
<W/L3 [with love]
C
Friday December 9, 2012
We're traveling back in time five years...
"Two souls are sometimes created together and in love before they're born."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald
"You're allowed to scream, you're allowed to cry, but you do not give up."
Today was such fun. It always is when you combine TyBrie and CiCi! Brie's parents, Gene and Debbie, drove us all up to Idaho Falls for the day as a Christmas/friend/birthday adventure. The first stop was to the falls at this little park so I could take Christmas pictures of TyBrie. My wish for snow last night equaled a light dusting of snow. It was freezing cold outside and, as you can see, I only wore an over-sized sweater and no coat. Real friends take beautiful pictures of their friends even if they almost get frostbite in the process! I take cute photos like this one where TyBrie are holding up candy canes in the shape of a heart and kissing in the background. Presh.
Debbie took the pics of all three of us and the one of Brie and me. I want a Polaroid camera like theirs! Well we decided to get out of the cold so we went to lunch at a local restaurant The Snakebite Restaurant (which is INCREDIBLE-I give it 5 out of 5 stars). Brie did lost of research to try and find the best burger in Idaho Falls and it lead to Snakebite. It really was the best! I loved the atmosphere and the food was unbelievably good. Amazing! If you haven't been there, I highly recommend it.
After lunch, we went to this free display at the Museum of Idaho about an old fashioned Christmas. It wasn't as impressive as I thought it would be but was still fun to look around at all the nativity displays from all over the world and other old Christmas artifacts.
When we were done at the museum, we did some shopping. We went to Target and the mall. I bought this Twilight Breaking Dawn replica engagement ring like Bella's ring from Edward in the movie. You know I'm not a Twihard-vampire-obsessed-Edward Cullen-loving-crazy fan, but I just absolutely love the ring. It's stunning. I remember being completely in love with that ring when I read
Eclipse before I even saw the movies. It was such a big deal. The ring meant so much to Edward because it was vintage and belonged to his dead mother. The ring and proposal were my favorite part. So when I saw it, I had to buy it even though it doesn't really fit my tiny fingers.
Can I just say I could spend hours, days, months, and years in Barnes and Noble? I just love books and reading. I couldn't survive without the written word. Reading and writing are as essential to me as oxygen. It's always a struggle trying to choose which books to buy when there are so many choices. Today I came home with
Middle Ground (the sequel to
Awaken) by Katie Kacvinsky,
Everyday by David Levithan, and
Between by Jessica Warman. I convinced Brie to get
The Fault in our Stars by John Green! That's exciting. That book blows my mind. It's amazing. She will love it like I do.
What a lovely day. A day filled with your friends and books is one of the best kind there is.
TyBrie (n.) True Love.
Maybe I was young and naive got lost in your eyes never really had a chance.
Kisses are the best. Brie, CiCi, & Mat. I miss those days so much that my heart literally hurts.
Cha-cha-charley circa 2012
The best of friends; sisters by choice.
I don't know about you, but I'm feeling twenty two.
[actually I was 23]
Magic moments when you're forever Young.
<W/L3 [with love],
C
Friday December 9, 2016
We're traveling back in time one year...
There are so many things that amaze me such as life in general--the fragility, the possibility, the wonder, the beauty, the potential--that to list them all would be an impossible task like counting every single star in the galaxy. I have found love again that defies the past, the imperfections, the loneliness, the unfairness, the mistakes, the heartbreak, the hate, hurt, and negativity of others around me. Trying to destroy me and rob me of all the hope, happiness, love, light, progress, and positivity inside of me, the fears that haunt me, and the excruciating, soul crippling, unbearable physical and emotional pain that was killing me second by waking second.
I am in love with myself--the girl I've become and the girl I'm becoming. I love me. I love life. I love my life, this new blank canvas of a life I am living, building, and creating day by day, moment by moment. Depression blinds you to the beauty of life and the miracle and purpose of it all. It makes you forget how much you love life--even when it's bad, sad, confusing, and downright tragic.
Apathy takes over your heart. Fear hijacks your mind. Despair and misery slowly suck the life right out of you. This is just a basic description of what depression feels like. My point is with the gospel, meditation, treatment centers, positive coping skills, and group counseling, time, and support from fellow patients (now friends), family, and friends, I've conquered my depression, chose and found happiness, and
took my life back.
Hope is always there and waiting to be found.
You may be lost, but hope never is.
The key is faith. Fear is the opposite of faith. Sometimes we hide behind our fears because we're afraid of change or failure. The truth is that faith is stronger than the whole world's fear combined. If we have faith, we need not fear. I choose faith. I have faith. I read an incredible, faith building talk on faith from the most recent General Conference by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf.
He said:
"Faith is trust--trust that God sees what we cannot and that He knows what we do not. The purpose of faith is not to change God's will but to empower us to act on God's will. In the end everything will make sense. Faith comes to the humble, the diligent, the enduring. It comes to those who pay the price of faithfulness."
Recently, I was struggling with some interpersonal conflict and it cast a dark shadow over just about everything. I was letting it get the best of me. I quickly reminded myself to not let actions of others effect my actions and mood. I exercised love, faith, and forgiveness and resolved the issue. All is well.
I am SO excited! I have a job interview at LDS Hospital on Tuesday! I'd be working grave shifts (6pm to 6am) in the ED! I hope and pray I get the job.
New me; new life.
Haylee, Megan, Annie, & I enjoying a coffee/smoothie date.
Back: Alexa, Allison, me, Haylee, & Emily
Front: Krystal, Megan, & Courtney
"Love, at every opportunity you are given to love. Be less afraid. Embrace each day (none are promised). Cry when you need to, it'll make you feel better. You were put on this planet to feel every feeling you could, do that. Everything works out in the end. I promise."
In Memory of the loveliest of them all: Emily Schaeffer <3
 |
Nadia, Alexa, me, Annie, Haylee, & Natalia
"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future."
-Proverbs 31:25 |
THE BEST PEOPLE IN LIFE ARE FREE.
Girls Night @ San Moritz.
Megan, Charley, Natalia, Annie, Haylee, Nadia, Carlie, & [in front] Alexa
aka the baddest badass princesses in existence.
A strong friendship doesn't need daily conversation or being together. As long as the relationship lives in the heart, true friends never part.
#becausewereworthit
Beautiful girls. Beautiful friends. Beautiful life.
Oh, and Carlos and the creeper clown haha.
Grown Up Girl Bonding Time brought to you by Charley & Addie.
We were created to create.
<W/L3
C
P.S. Happy 29th birthday to the amazing-in-every-way Tyson! On Dec 5th, Brie turned 28, and I am 27 as of October. Where does the time go?!? #foreveryoung
The T-Rex to my Charmander.
Tyson is honestly THE BEST gentleman I know.
I am going to share a memory with you lovelies that is very personal, raw, and sacred which only a few know about...
It involves the only time that I have ever seen Tyson cry... same with Brie.
There were red flags when Ryan and I were dating (for those of you just tuning in, Ryan is my ex husband)... I was all rose colored glasses, thinking I found my prince, and wrapped up in excitement planning an eternal marriage.
Well about a week before I was to go to the temple in May 2013 to receive my endowments, Tyson and Brie invited me to their home.
They had very sullen, serious expressions on their faces that deeply troubled me.
It felt like someone died.
The air was heavy with deafening silence.
When they asked me to take a seat, I knew something was wrong.
Tyson began crying. Real crying. The soul wrenching, agonizing, loving kind of tears.
Brie started to cry too.
Tyson testified to me that I could not marry Ryan.
He said he'd never felt so strongly about anything in his entire life that he did the prompting that I shouldn't marry Ryan.
Brie felt the same way.
My heart sunk. It shattered. It was like the dreamland I have been living in came crashing down, but the thing was I knew it was a dream all along and I was just praying that it would never end.
I had always had a feeling that Ryan and I shouldn't get married... that we were moving too fast. I mean we only dated for a month before he proposed to me on February 1, 2013. Then we were married on May 11, 2013.
When I suggested to Ryan that we prolong our engagement, he was infuriated and claimed that if we were made for each other/soulmates/in love then we shouldn't wait. He made me believe that the "adversary" was doing everything in his power to pull us apart including poisoning my family and friends. Ryan insisted that if we waited any longer, we wouldn't work. We had to get married when we planned or we wouldn't get married at all. My hopeless romantic heart full of love for my fiance wanted to believe it so badly that I believed the lie even though I knew the truth. I thought that love could conquer all.
Seeing Tyson cry made me cry. It was powerful. It was overwhelming. It was spiritual.
He suggested that Brie, himself, and me join hands and pray about it.
We prayed that I would know whether or not I should marry Ryan.
And we all felt the undeniable answer that I didn't want to hear: a resounding, irrevocable NO.
Immediately after Tyson said the prayer, my phone rang.
It was my grandma. She and I hadn't talked in weeks.
I answered and her frantic words were: "Charley, you CANNOT marry Ryan! Do not marry Ryan baby girl."
The answer to all of our prayers.
I was so lost and felt like everything I knew was turned upside down and the dream was becoming a nightmare.
I couldn't deny the message Heavenly Father was sending me though.
So I called my mom who basically paid for the entire wedding.
Engagement pictures had been taken by this time, invitations had been sent, endowments in the temple were in a matter of days, and then a week later I would be sealed to Ryan for time and all eternity in the SLC Temple which was reserved. The honeymoon, photographer, hotels, dinner, reception, dress, and everything had been paid for.
My mom was not happy with this revelation.
I don't want to paint her out to be a bad mom or horrible person... but she told me it was too late to back out of it because of all the money spent that she'd never get back and all the invitations had been sent so there was no way I wasn't going to marry Ryan.
The rest was history.
Ryan and I were married, sealed for time and all eternity, in the Salt Lake City Temple (my favorite temple), a castle, on Saturday May 11, 2013 in front of all our family and friends and God.
Tyson and Aubrey weren't going to come but did to support me.
Tyson was my witness and one of Ryan's groomsmen.
Aubrey was my maid of honor.
The moral of the story: ALWAYS TRUST GOD. He has a plan for us that is perfect and full of happiness beyond comprehension. He knows what is best for us. In today's world with everyone having opinions about everything and all the noise and need for approval and love, it's easy to think what we want is right or to base decisions on people who won't have to deal with the consequences of our actions and choices.
John Green wasn't kidding when he said "Some infinities are bigger than other infinities."
I never imagined eternity meant two years for Ryan and I and our so called eternal marriage.
Spoiler alert: We didn't work out. My marriage was plagued with abuse in every sense of the word, control, unrighteous dominion, selfishness, and adultery. Our divorced was finalized in September of 2015.
I may have "lost" Ryan but I found myself and somehow that was everything [and more].
The details, the story, are for another time...
Back to Tyson...
He and Brie moved about five hours away last month. I miss them so bad sometimes that it hurts. I am anxiously awaiting our reunion in a few sweet weeks. I am forever grateful for our forever friendship. We stay in touch through e-mails and texts and that is what makes me thankful for technology. We've been friends for nearly eight years and everyone has been enchanting and beautiful. Thank you Tyson for being a HUGE part of giving me the courage to escape an abusive marriage that would've killed me in the end and providing me a safe haven for the few weeks after we split up. Thanks for always being the patience to my stubbornness. Thank you for being THEE best husband to MY best friend and father to my sweet nephew Jude. In the words of MCS (Motion City Soundtrack): "I want to thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds. And all the things that don't get old." I love you. What If It Was You will always be our song.
Happy birthday. I have (and will) always love you. 30 never looked better on anyone. I am glad you were born. I wish I could be with my forever Youngs to celebrate your birthday and Brie's but we shall see each other before we know it. Here's to drinking mate while settling Catan, the best hugs and advice, forgiveness, tears of happiness and sorrow shared, being the witness at my wedding even though you were against it (and right), the countless blessings you've given me, car rides, music, adventures, and light. Here's to a forever friendship, unconditional love, endless happiness, and the knowledge that with friends like us in this ever changing world, we are constant and can overcome any adversity.
Brie && CiCi
Established best friends since 1994 when she was 5 and I was 4.
To a once in a lifetime friendship.
Brie, happy 29th belated birthday. You are stunningly beautiful in every possible way.
You inspire me more than almost anyone. You are my person. The Haley to my Peyton. My first and forever best friend. Thank you for always giving me the best advice and not giving up on me even when I've ceased to believe in myself. Thanks for drying my tears in high school when boys were jerks. Thanks for taking me to the Oregon Coast and driving to Seattle to see Jesse McCartney. For making all of our moments worth remembering. Thank you for unconditional love without limits. Here's to Colored Houses, journaling, adventures, millions of inside jokes, notes, tears of sadness and joy, and always being there for me no matter what. To my older sister by choice. Here's to infinity and beyond. BFFS. I love love love you. I love you my darling friend. You are proof that magic is real and not just make believe in Harry Potter.
