ONE [WON] YEAR LATER

SURVIVOR noun

a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have [or would have] died

a person who copes well with difficulties in their life

SURVIVE [SURVIVING] verb

to remain alive or in existence

to continue to function or prosper 

continue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship

Lovelies... can you believe H E R E W E S T A N D one year later?

It's a miracle.

I am a miracle.

You are a miracle.

This is proof of miracles.

To those of you just tuning in,

One year ago today on a seemingly normal sunny day on June 23, 2016, I attempted suicide via gun.

I shot myself twice . . . and died. 

It wasn't my time so with God and tireless work from the trauma team, I was brought back to life and survived.

What a year it's been...

I am A L I V E

{more than that}

I am L I V I N G

&&

L O V I N G

Today I have been pondering the difference between being a "survivor" and "surviving".

For the record, I am both.

Yes I survived a GSW (gunshot wound). Two actually, And the wreckage, carnage, and blood loss they inflicted on my body,

I survived rape.

I survived unspeakable domestic violence.

I survived adultery.

I survived a nightmare disguised as a fairytale. 

I survived darkness that would make you shutter.

I survived the loss of my ability to have children at the tender age of twenty three.

I've survived scrutiny, judgment, harsh words thrown like stones, looks that could kill, and bullying.

I've survived dozens of surgeries.

I've survived pain that couldn't be measured on the standard pain scale.

I've survived loss and tragedy and broken homes and hopelessness and obliterated dreams. 

None of the above defines me.

Lets get that clear.

I don't wear the word survivor as a metal for all to bask and cheer and celebrate me. I don't wear that word as an adjective to describe me. 

Yes, I survived.

But, I am still surviving. 

I am surviving. As long as I am alive--heart beating, head dreaming, soul feeling, lungs breathing--I will be surviving. It's a verb I use every second of every day. I am surviving all of those things and more. I am surviving depression, loneliness, trials, bumps in the road, hell, fear, every-day-run-of-the-mill-human-issues, insecurity, body image, etc every day. I am surviving. 

I WILL NOT STOP.

That is what makes all the difference.

The comeback is always stronger than the setback.

To celebrate this, to celebrate me surviving, my gorgeous-in-every-damn-way, STRONG, surviving, friend was the photographer to my model last night. We had an epic, fun, sunset, bonding, photoshoot. I have to give a BIG shout out to Cheyenne Ryan Hebert. She is such an inspiration to me. All the credit of these beautiful images goes to that lovely woman.

our scars remind us that the past is real & the future is worth it

"The wound is the place where the light enters you."

-rumi

She's the type of girl that can have anybody but she can't be had. Like a number with a missing digit, or a story unwritten. And she left her impression on you, like lipstick on a napkin, and in an old song's chorus you'd always know the words to. Go for the girl that's always been around, who's seen the way the world crumbles but also knows how to piece it back together. She's not the easy route or smooth sailing. She's a hailstorm in an open field. A back alley tsunami. A mirage, an uncut diamond, the perfect mistake, and a million other impossibilities. Understand rarity doesn't exist under every stone, or around each corner. She's selective, not from a level of superiority. It's a self worth thing. Think twice, move swiftly, kiss deeply, and don't back down. She can be proven--right or wrong. That's up to you.

I dare disturb the universe. 

"Look through the pain, the heartache, or the waiting and see, for the first time all that lies beyond."

-Tyler Knott Gregson

"The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing to find the place where all the beauty came from."

-C.S. Lewis

"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."

-Anne Frank

I don't pay attention to the

world ending,

it has ended for me

many times

and began again in the morning.

You don't find happiness from living your life looking ahead of back... You find it when you look around.

the beauty of a girl cannot be mimicked, fabricated, or created by human means it only occurs naturally

say you'll remember me, standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset, babe. 

red lips and rosy cheeks, say you'll remember me even if it's just in your wildest dreams.

"The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't meet finally somewhere. They're in each other all along."

-rumi

I'm going to make everything around me beautiful--that will be my life.

Know if depression is the verse then hope is the chorus.

I know sometimes you wonder about me.

when i was drowning, that's when i could finally breathe

she always had that about her, that look of otherness, of eyes that see things much too far, and of thought that wander off the edge of the world.

"I think the tiniest little thing can change the course of your day, which can change the course of your day, which can change the course of your year, which can change who you are."

-Taylor Alison Swift

some walks you have to take alone.

"I want to believe in it all again... fate and love, and I want to believe that I've made the right choices, and I'm still on the right path, and there's still time to fix some mistakes. I guess I want hope."

-Peyton Sawyer

Don't walk through your toughest day alone. We're in this together.

God knows you perfectly. He loves you perfectly. He knows what your future holds.

perhaps you were born for such a time as this

there is nothing beautiful

about the wreckage of a human being

there is nothing pretty

about damage

about pain

about heartache

what is beautiful is

their strength,

their resilience,

their fortitude,

as they display an ocean of courage

when they pick through the wreckage of their life

to build something beautiful brand new,

against every odd

that is stacked against them.

time will break all of the old habits and create new ones for you, and in the process, you will try to handle this immense pain with dignity.

In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she simply changed directions, and kept going.

heavy is the crown and yet she wears it as if it were a feather. there is a strength in her heart. determination in her eyes and the will to survive resides within her soul. she is you, a warrior, a champion, a fighter, a queen [a badass princess].

it's all going to be okay. none of us know how our lives are going to turn out. and i think it's best that way.

"That was the way I decided to go on with my life. Not looking for anything, not necessarily being open to anything, and only being open to the idea that, if I found someone who would never try to change me, that would be the only person I could fall in love with. Because, you know, I was in love with my life."

-Taylor Alison Swift

we

will

survive

lovelies

because

we

are

worth

it

and

our

dreams

are

NOT

impossible.

xoxo

-C

The Semicolon Mormon; (and more!)

There are no words that can fully do justice for the day I am about to share with you.

My absence from this Nation was spent finding myself and finding the words to share the story of the miraculous. Me. My miracle. 

The tragedy & the triumph.

Nearly a year has passed since the day I died and was miraculously saved and brought back to life.

I had chosen to keep this private until now, shared only with family and close friends, because it's sacred. It's spiritual. Now the Spirit is prompting me to be vulnerable and write it down to help and inspire others. This is for you. Friends, girls, and staff I met in treatment afterwards have made these comments: "You are a waking miracle."

"You are living proof of God's existence."

"Your story made me believe in God again."

I post their feedback here not as praise for me, but rather praise to Heavenly Father and His unconditional love and perfect plan for every single one of us.

This is a story of miracles made possible only by Him.

This is a story about how even when we couldn't feel further away from him at times, He is actually closer than He's ever been.

This is a story of being broken to be rebuild stronger.

This is a story of redemption through the Atonement of our Savior and His infinite grace.

This is a story of finding eternal, lasting happiness in the midst of our most intense trials and despair.

This is a story triumphing over adversity with His help.

This is a story of finding the light that's been inside of you all along.

This is a story of endurance--how we will never be put through more than we can handle.

This is a story about a life saved in order to save countless more.

This is a story of ending the stigma, silence, secrecy, and shame of mental illness, depression, and suicide.

I survived to share this story.

This is my story and now it's yours too.

On the eve of the eight month anniversary of that dark day, I present to you lovelies the prologue of the manuscript of the book I'm working on publishing. If my story can save one life it will have been worth the pain it took to get here. 

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), one person dies of suicide every 40 seconds.

They predict that number to increase by the year 2020 to one every 20 seconds. 

This is an epidemic that needs to change. I'm always saying more needs to be done. Well now I am doing and becoming the "more" to end this cycle.

Don't Take Your Life; Take Your Life Back.

 The Other Tattooed Mormon.

The meaning of the semicolon is this: an author uses a semicolon when they choose not to end the sentence. You are the author and the sentence is your life, and your choosing to continue and move forward.

The Legacy Project I made.

Untitled by @Charley Brooke Chriswell

(copywrited @IN)

Prologue

"Nothing good comes without loss and hardship and constant struggle. There is no 'riding off into the sunset' like I used to imagine. We are never out of the woods, because we are always going to be fighting for something. People can say whatever they want about me, but they can't make me lose my mind. I've learned how to shake things off. Who you are is who you choose to be."

-Taylor Allison Swift

"Depression is the most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced... It is that absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be cheerful again. The absence of hope. That very deadened feeling, which is so very different from feeling sad. Sad hurts but it's a healthy feeling. It is a necessary thing to feel. Depression is very different."

-J. K. Rowling

"One of the greatest weaknesses in most of our lack of faith in ourselves. One of our common failings is to depreciate our tremendous worth."

-L. Tom Perry

"There may be some among you who feel darkness encroaching upon you. You may feel burdened by worry, fear, or doubt. To you and to all of us, I repeat a wonderful and certain truth: God's light is real. It is available to all! It gives life to all things. It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound. It can be a healing balm for the loneliness and sickness of our souls. In the furrows of despair, it can plant the seeds of a brighter hope. It can enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn."

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see."

-Hymn no. 220

Do you remember where you were and what you were doing on Thursday June 23, 2016? Was it just another average day? Did it change your life forever?

My mornings I was most awake for were spelled with a "u" in them. This one was no exception. As my family and friends went about their just-another-days they didn't have the slightest idea how horror beyond their worst nightmares would take over their night. This would be my last day on earth.

There are things about that day I don't remember...

...And there are the things I will never forget.

Everything happened so fast that it almost didn't feel real.

The sound of gunshots sent my ears ringing that soon blocked out all sound include my screams. I've never screamed so loud in my life. The smell of gunpowder filled my nose. It hung heavy in the air threatening to drown me. 

The pain. The intensity of the pain surpassed all the pain I'd ever felt in my life combined and times a million. This coming from the girl who was no stranger to surgery and health problems. The girl who had been given Narcan after surgery because they'd given her too much pain medicine to try and combat her pain. I've felt what it's like to have been cut into right after surgery and it didn't come close to touching this pain. This was real pain. The pain of metal bullets burning, cutting, and shredding my insides leaving two gunshot wounds like holes in my body like ghosts. (Yes, bullets. Plural. Although I had no idea at the time that I'd been shot more than once). On the infamous pain scale from 1 (no pain) to 10 (the worst pain ever) I'd rate mine at a 100. 

As I bent over in pain, I noticed my shirt was drenched in a warm liquid. I glanced at my hands to see they were covered in blood. 

Yes, I am still haunted by what I will never forget.

It's what I will always remember that matters most.

I remember with all of me the moment immediately after the gun fired.

A voice spoke to me, not out loud, but to my soul. I knew with one hundred percent certainty and conviction that it was Heavenly Father. I could feel Him. I will never forget the words: "It's not your time, Charley. You aren't meant to die yet. Your words are going to save someone."

The rest is where things get hazy and out of focus as I was going into shock.

I had been on the phone with my dad who heard it all and called paramedics.

He got to me before they arrived and pushed a towel to the wounds to try and stop the bleeding.

I remember screaming even after the ambulance arrived and I was told to "Calm down" and "Breathe". Breathing felt hard like my lungs were collapsing. I still screamed in agony and fear. "I don't want to die!" I sobbed and meant it. I could tell by their faces that this was serious. They couldn't even lie to me and tell me everything would be fine. It was the furthest thing from fine.
"AmIgoingtodie?" I managed to get out. The paramedics words haunted me: "I don't know. Maybe."
 By the time I arrived at the hospital, I was less than a minute from bleeding out entirely. I remember arriving at the hospital and being in the ambulance bay. 

The trauma surgeon who was called for my code saw me and shouted: "Oh my gosh! I know her!"

And then everything f a d e d away.

6/23/16 20:48 Status post gunshot wound to abdomen x2. Female. 26. Tachycardia. Acute respiratory failure. Hemorrhagic shock.

74 minutes of life resuscitating critical care.

In 74 minutes you can fall in love... or you can fall apart.

*****

For anyone suffering, please never give up. Hope is always there. It took dying for me to come alive and realize I wanted to live. You are not alone. The world wouldn't be the same without you. And you're dead wrong if you think your friends and family would "get over" it if you died. (I survived and my family are still traumatized and not over it) Trust me, it gets better.

If you're thinking of suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Talk to someone. 

Don't make a permanent decision based on temporary feelings.

I would like to send a huge shout out to you and my incredible family and friends. I am beyond blessed to have all of you in my life. My heart overflows with gratitude to my parents, step-parents, siblings, extended family, and close friends who never gave up on me and loved me unconditionally. Happiness comes from within & Time heals all are true. 

Exciting things are happening with turning my manuscript into a book!

Aspire to inspire, lovelies.

<W/L3 (with love),

Charley Brooke

Inspire Inspire Inspire [A Message]

Everybody needs inspiration.

Dearest Nation,

This month's edition of Inspiration Nation is going to be an Inspiration Vacation. 

That's right... the Inspiration Foundation Project.

June is full of so many possibilities as is summer 2012. 

Let's make it inspirational & adventurous & lovely & everything you could ever wish for & more!

Summer twentytwelve WILL be an unforgettable one.

I am on the quest to answer one very simple question full of depth that doesn't have one right or wrong answer.

QUESTION: "What inspires you?"

I'm on a treasure hunt for answers to this goldmine question...

Every day this month I will do a "What Inspires [insert name here]". So we can all learn what inspires different people. Some of these people will be my friends, some will be family, some will be you lovelies, others will be well known celebrities, entertainers, writers, singers, and much more!

A quote that sparks a fire inside me, and is the basis for our Nation of Inspiration says:

"Maybe the reason you can't find any inspiration anymore is because it's your turn to be one."

You lovelies are full of inspiration and potential. 

We can all aspire to inspire before we expire and paint the world so brightly with inspiration, goals, and love that it will never fade, it will be timeless, it will be a circle of inspiration that can never be broken.

You can find inspiration in anything: in the words of a song, in a quote, in movies, on the pages of a book, on a sunny or rainy day, at church, at school, laying out under the stars, in people [what they do, who they are, what they say], family, friends, people you love, love, anywhere, everywhere, anytime, endlessly.

You can be the inspiration.

This blog is what inspires me.

You lovelies inspire me.

Everything I post here on the Inspiration Nation is what I find inspiring & I want to share it will all of you lovelies. I want it to touch your hearts like it did mine. To give you hope when all seems hopeless. To save you when you feel like you're lost or worthless. To help you realize you are perfect just the way you are. To inspire you to see your potential and make goals. To make you smile. That is what inspires me. If I can brighten one person's day, if I can change one life, that is unbelievably humbling and inspiring to me. 

Inspiration will never stop. 

Don't let it no matter how much people try to bring you down, tear down your ideas, make fun of your dreams. Don't ever let anyone tell you who you are. 

Lovelies: I want to know what inspires YOU 

Send me pictures, stories, quotes, etc. about what is your inspiration & I may choose some to post on this month's blog! You can share by leaving a comment below or e-mailing me at chrichar@isu.edu.

With Love,

C

"To succeed you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you (or someone)."

"We grow great by dreams."

"There will always be dreams grander or humbler than yours, but there will never be a dream exactly like your own."

"Don't save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is a special occasion."

"The world needs all that you can give."

"Life itself is the most wonderful fairytale of all."

"Believe that dreams come true everyday. Because they do."

"Every second is of infinite value."

"You are the substance, the very material, my dreams are made of."

-Tyler Knott Gregson

"Give your head permission to follow your heart."

"Awaking each day literally gives you a million reasons to smile."

"People are gonna tell you who you are your whole life. You just gotta punch back and say 'No. This is who I am!' You want people to look at you differently? Make them. You want to change things? You're gonna have to go out there and change them yourself. Because there are no fairy godmothers in this world."

-Once Upon a Time

"There is more to life that we can imagine."

"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

"I believe creativity is the essence of being human. I believe I make myself, and I won't buy my soul off the rack."

-Anitra Freeman

"My mission in life is to make people happy."

-Walt Disney

"If you don't have a dream, how can you have a dream come true?"

"So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon seem inevitable."

-Christopher Reeve

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight-but never stop fighting!"

-e.e. cummings

"Don't leave this world without giving it your all."

"You are the hero of your own story."