E V O L

I had the biggest epiphany at work today at my second job.

I work as a mentor at a treatment center and that job is my heart.

Anyways... we were doing this meditating session.

I have been having the worst luck with matters of the heart and "men" (more like boys with their behavior or lack thereof).

You know me. Love is the definition of me. I love love more than anyone. I am a hopeless romantic. The hopeless-est hopeless romantic. My heart is so overflowing with love I cannot comprehend that it hasn't burst or broke after all the heartbreak I've suffered...

Well recently, I've had horror experiences with a few of these boys...

One from the past that was on and off since 2015. The other one I met at an institute class. And the last one I've know since 2012 that we've secretly had a thing for but he is so hot/cold and older and all about his "routine" and I think it's a pathetic excuse for being alone for the rest of his life. I feel sorry for him, actually. He'll never know love...passionate, unconditional, beautiful, maddening, compassionate, and a zillion other adjectives LOVE. True love. His loss. All of their losses.

What is wrong with men these days? They all want one thing and one thing only: they see me a beautiful, gorgeous face with a lovely body and you know what they want next... me. To use me and check me off their lists of conquests. They promise love, forever, marriage. At least the 2015 one. It's all bullshit and lies (excuse my language but after his behavior you would validate my use of profanity). What happened to chivalry, hopeless romance, romance in general, men who want forever, I may not be your first but why can't I be your last? Is love really dead? Is it all a lie? I refuse to settle for broken promises and one night stands. No boy will use me for sick twisted pleasure. I want a best friend who loves me for me in spite of the past and everything. I want a man who will love me as much as I love him. A giver and taker just like me. Equality. Pure, sweet, beautiful, passionate, compassionate, maddening, gorgeous, mind blowing, unconditional, spiritual, all of you love. I WILL NEVER SETTLE AGAIN. I hate myself for losing my first love. We were the closest thing to perfect for one another. However, I was young and listened to all the voices of family and friends instead of my heart and lost him 10 years ago and he will never be back... I have to believe in fate though. Everything happens for a reason. Then there was my abusive temple marriage. Two years of hell. It started out so romantic and lovely and everything I thought I wanted. He was a sweetheart turned into a stranger who hurt me in every possible way. And cheated. The only serious relationship I've had since was with 2015 boy. He's actually a man about 9 years older than me. But his name doesn't deserve to be spoken. He's a coward. A liar. Selfish. I can't believe I fell for his sweet nothings. NEVER AGAIN.

Anyways, we meditated for an hour today and it was so profound...

I discovered there is one thing you cannot buy with all the money in the world, you could spend forever searching and chasing and trying desperately to find it and force it, you can wish on stars til you're blue in the face but you are wasting your time... what is this thing I'm talking about in the twenty first century where everything is available at our fingertips or if you have the money and means?

L O V E

or 

spelled backwards

E V O L

You cannot fight fate. 

Love finds you... when you least expect it. When you aren't looking for it. I believe all I can do is pray to my Heavenly Father that he will lead my future husband to me and continue to live my best life doing what I love and being the best me and advancing with my two jobs and school and writing and if (and I pray with all of me if) love really does exist still in these modern times, He will lead him into my life if I am patient and doing my thing. Making my own happiness. I had a life coach once named Todd Sylvester (Google him he is AMAZING. LIFE CHANGING.) He taught me one of the most important lessons of my life. 

He told me in his office one day as I was crying over loneliness,

"Charley, I love my wife with all my heart, but she doesn't make me happy."

I looked at him like he was insane. Who says that?

Then he said this:

"Don't get me wrong, I love her. She is the love of my life. She enhances my happiness. But I make myself happy. If I wasn't happy on my own, I couldn't be happy with her. You have to be able to be happy by yourself in order to love someone. No one can make you happy but you."

And that lesson changed my life forever.

Thank you to my dear friend Payden for reminding me of this lesson. He was also in treatment with me and saw Todd. It's the truth. You make yourself happy. Then you can be happy with another person. So be happy. Choose happiness. Fight for it. Ignore the haters or naysayers. Be happy everyday. 

I love you all. You are loved. 

"You might not recognize her anymore. Things were different now, she was beginning to make sense of who she was becoming. Sure, it took some time to get here, and maybe she took a few ill advised turns. But the long way isn't always the wrong way. Her route, her rules. Everything that made her beautiful, made her slightly terrifying. She would challenge you, sweet lipped, but with a look that was deliberate.  A gaze with weight, that meant something. Some things can't just be singular. And when they change, it's because they have to. Not to fit in, or stand out, but to survive. You might not have a say in that, or even make sense of it. But she gets it. She understands that she really can be whoever she wants to be, so long as she stays herself. She felt for things, and people, and her dreams wholeheartedly. Some carry so much conviction, and life, that they're never truly alone. You won't take that from her."

-J. Raymond

"I love the way she survived. Survival looked good on her. There were no dark marks under her eyes. Maybe deep inside, but I liked the way she looked through them and laughed at life. She did it gracefully. She'd walked over glass and through fire, but still smiled. And, honestly, I'm not interested in people who haven't lived and died a few times. Who haven't yet had their heart ripped out, or know what it feels like to lose everything. I trust those people, because they stand for something. I knew what she'd been through."

-J. Raymond

"She's falling in love with herself again she's learning once more what it means to be happy on her own."

-r.h Sin

"And maybe, for now, a happy ending doesn't include a relationship. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on."

"You are not his princess.

You are your own queen."

-Nikita Gill

"Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself."

"There's so much more to life than being sad over someone who doesn't. There's a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself and it doesn't need to be empty or painful. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, write on bathroom stalls, sit in a coffee shop on your own, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love. Life for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn't any less beautiful, I promise."

-Emery Allen

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."

-Lucille Ball

"Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love."

-Brene Brown

"Why should we worry about what others think of us, do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own?"

-Brigham Young

<W/L3

Charley Brooke

The Story of The USA Princess

"For last year's words belong to last year's language (and last journal's pages) [the past]. And next year's words (and the blank pages and spaces of this journal) await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning."

-T.S. Eliot & C.B. Chriswell (me)

Tuesday October 10, 2017

My name is Charley. I was just an ordinary girl in a small city in Idaho (Pocatello) that you have never heard of. [Trust me, you aren't missing much]. It was in this city I was born and raised there until July 2016 when Utah became my new residence. Pocatello isn't home to me... at least not anymore. 

     Yes this is the story, my story, of an ordinary in seemingly every way until everything changed and became extraordinary in the form of life altering, heavenly, life saving miracles. I lost my way. I lost trust. I lost myself. I lost the first boy I ever loved ten years ago. I lost my husband. I lost my determination, hope, goals, dreams, freedom, happiness, and nearly lost my mind. 

     BUT I [painfully, impossibly, through loneliness, prayer, faith, treatment, girls and guys I met in treatment, endurance, the gospel, the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ, love, repentance, therapy, and my closest family and friends] FOUND MYSELF, was rebuilt stronger, GREW, became closer to Heavenly Father and the Savior, never gave up, chose resilience, inspired others, shared my story, rose above the pain of the past- the so called "baggage" and abuse and low self esteem, lived by love, and badass princessed, and that was EVERYTHING (and oh-so-much more!)

     God is good, the Atonement is perfect, forgiveness and unconditional love are the point, and I am becoming stronger and better with each passing second. I am a badass princess--The USA Princess: Princess Charley Brooke of the USA after all 🙂

     Even when you feel invisible and death is tempting you because you want to die and end it all, commit suicide, to end your silent but real pain, you have to remember how far you've come and the glorious, limitless future that awaits you. Oh my goodness, life is beautiful and the world wouldn't be the same if you didn't exist. You are probably thinking who is this cheery princess girl to tell me this bright and shiny nonsense? What does she know? Please take it from me, the girl who tried to commit suicide countless times. My last attempt being Thursday June 23, 2016. I was 25 years young. I shot myself (twice--the gun recoiled) and DIED right when I arrived by ambulance to the hospital. People say I was lucky. No, it was a miracle. Miraculously, I was saved. A group of talents surgeons worked for 72 minutes to bring me back to life and saved my life. I was given a second chance. Sadly, not everyone has the same happy ending.

     I'm FAR from perfect, but I am striving, trying, thriving, and in it with my whole heart. 

     I survived for a reason. It wasn't my time to die.

     We can make our own heaven on Earth. 

C H O O S E H A P P Y

"To me, a rich and satisfying life means one full of contrast. Give me sleep ins. And soft rains. Relaxing conversation. But also adrenaline and adventure. And dancing under the stars. I am determined to embrace this extravagant life for all that it has to offer."

-Beau Taplin//A Disparate Life

"I promise you sweet soul with stars in your eyes, you were put here with a purpose."

Lovelies, I hope twenty nineteen is as wonderful to you as it has been to me. I've been making life 

happen instead of letting it pass me by and happen to me. I am doing better than I ever was to quote Taylor Alison Swift. 

Feel free to follow me on the Gram

Charley's IG: @theusaprincess

My Taylor Swift Fan IG: @idabotaylorswift (for my fellow #swifties out there!)

I love you. You're beautiful every little piece of you. Loveliest ever.

I am so wonderstruck to be back Nation! Writing and blogging again. I have missed it and you 💛

The Trick To Holding On

The Trick To Holding On

-by Taylor Swift

[the American Queen to my American Princess]

Let go of the ones who hurt you

Let go of the ones you outgrow

Let go of the words they hurt your way

as you're walking out the door

The only thing cut and dry

In this hedge-maze life

Is the fact that their words will cut

but your tears will dry

They don't tell you this when you are young

You can't hold onto everything

Can't show up for everyone

You pick your poison

Or your cure

Phone numbers you know by heart

And the ones you don't answer anymore

Hold onto the faint recognition in

the eye of a stranger

As it catches you in its lustrous net

How quickly we become entwined

How wonderful it is to forget

All the times your intuition failed you

But it hasn't killed you yet

Hold on to childish whims and moonlight

Swims and your blazing self-respect

And if you drive the roads of this town

Ones you've gone down so many times before

Flashback to all the times

Life nearly ran you off the road

But tonight your hand is steady 

Suddenly you'll know

The trick to holding on

was all that letting go.

Beauty in the Breakdown

The dictionary and society define the word beautiful (adj): pleasing the senses or mind aesthetically. 

possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, here, think about, etc; delighting the senses or mind.

Some synonyms include: attractive, pretty, handsome, good-looking, alluring, prepossessing, 

Society teaches us that being beautiful is the definition of success.

They equate beauty with happiness.

I am here to challenge this fact.

No one is perfect. Not even the supermodels.

And being beautiful isn't everything.

Be MORE than beautiful.

Be-YOU-tiful

Not just in your outward appearance but let your inner beauty shine brighter and make you even more lovely on the outside. Use beautiful as a noun. Act beautiful. Speak beautiful words. Do beautiful things. Be mindful of the beautiful life we live. Find beauty in the breakdown.

"You are proof that life is beautiful."

"Nothing beautiful asks for attention."

"That's always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people want to be around someone because they're pretty. It's like picking your breakfast cereals based on color instead of taste."

-John Green

"You can't spell beautiful without be you."

"The sign of a beautiful person is that they always see beauty in others."

"Is fat really the worst thing a human being can be? Is fat worse than vindictive, jealous, shallow, vain, boring, evil, or cruel? Not to me."

-J.K. Rowling

"I will not compare myself to strangers on the internet."

"Butterflies cannot see their wings. But the rest of the world can."

"You. You are beautiful and while you may not see it, we can."

"Writing is an underestimated art, you are painting colorful images in people's minds by using words of black and white."

"It's beautiful, isn't it? How it all hurts but we never give up."

"If the words you spoke appeared on your skin, would you still be beautiful?"

"...that's the most beautiful thing in the world when two people become fluent in choosing one another."

"Sweet one, why do you think these thoughts? You are everything. Courageous and brave. Intelligent and witty. There is a fire in your soul, burning so bright the stars are jealous. You will find your way, I promise think about it. Think about saving yourself. Your spiritual self. Your gut self. Your singing magical self and your beautiful self. Save it. Don't join the dead-in-spirit. Maintain yourself with humor and grace and finally, if necessary, wager yourself as you struggle. Damn the odds, damn the price. Only you can save yourself. Do it! Do it! Then you'll know exactly what I am talking about."

-Charles Bukowski

"The most beautiful stories always start with wreckage."

"Girl, we need you to be the very best version of who God created you to be. Not her."

-Carly Lynn

"Challenge the lies you've told yourself."

-TWLOHA

 I love this picture of me. I feel like I look beautiful... inside and out. A real princess.

 Haha I found this silly picture on Brie's computer. It was 2015. Jude's 1st birthday party. It was Harry Potter themed and that was me being sorted wearing the sorting hat.

This picture was taken in Yellowstone on a weekend getaway with Brie and Tyson in June 2015. It was soon after my ex husband and I broke up and I got out of the hospital after miraculously recovering from liver failure.

 Can you say DARK hair?! 2011ish? Also found on Brie's computer.

Brie, Jude, and I in 2015 right before my world fell to pieces.

Isn't it crazy and surreal to find pictures of yourself that you had no idea existed? 

They are beautiful... not because of the people in them but because of the stories, the moments. the texture that makes them gorgeous.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

<W/L3

C

To Create a Masterpiece You Must Master Peace

Permanent pause

Waiting for applause

Without a cause

A sea of naus

Reign whether rain or shine

The girl you "knew"

She's gone forever

I rise anew

You thought you were clever

She's severed ties of poison and lies

Because darling you didn't realize

You had everything in your arms

And you don't cause angels harm

She's ringing the alarm

When I love you isn't enough

You have three choices

Let it take you over rough

Poker face and keep up a bluff

Add "er" to the suff

Or listen to the voices

That tell you hold on

One day you will belong

Your song will be sung

There is fault in our stars

All we can do is make this time ours

Reality hits me like closed doors

At the realization I'll never be yours

Honey, you didn't break me

Can't you see?

She's dead.

And her words and love died unsaid

You all saw through her like ghost

Now you share stories of who loved her most

Her heart broke and shattered

To no one it mattered

It's effortless to pretend you care

When the life of the girl is no longer there

Why did you save her?

You think you did

She's half dead and in pain

She's a shell

Of life

You should've let her go

The sadness overflows

And in dreams she dies

And wakes up alive and cries.

The impossible dreams are lies.

-By me (C)

Quiet

Quiet -MILCK

Put on your face.
Know your place.

Shut up and smile.

Don't spread your legs.

I could do that.

But no one knows me no one ever will.

If I don't say something, if I just lie still.

Would I be that monster, scare them all away.

If I let them hear what I have to say.

I can't keep quiet, no oh oh oh oh oh oh

I can't keep quiet, no oh oh oh oh oh oh

A one woman riot, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

I can't keep quiet

For anyone

Anymore.

Cuz no one knows me no one ever will.

If I don't say anything, take that dry blue pill.

They may see that monster, they may run away.

But I have to do this.

Oh I can't keep quiet

*Let it out Let it out now*

*Let it out now*

There'll be someone who understands

*Let it out Let it out now*

*Let it out now*

Must be someone who'll understand.

*Let it out Let it out now*

*Let it out now*

There'll be someone who understands.

*Let it out Let it out now*

I can't keep quiet, no oh oh oh oh oh oh 

I can't keep quiet.

No, I won't keep quiet.

Whatever It Takes

"There's only one thing more precious than our time and that's who we spend it on."

-Leo Christopher

Hello my B-E-A-utiful nation of lovelies.

Lets get inspired, shall we?

Imma start with some time traveling because there are stories from the past that are worth telling.

I want to share them with you.

...

Then we'll get back to the closest-thing-to-perfect present.

Friday December 28, 2007

Ten years ago (makes me feel OLD!)

 "One Hand, One Heart" -West Side Story

Tony- "Make of our hands one hand,

Make of our hearts one heart,

Make of our vows one last vow:

Only death will part us now."

Maria- "Make of our lives one life,

Day after day, one life."

Both- "Now it begins, now we start

One hand, one heart--

Even death won't part us now."

[FYI--I am just as obsessed with WSS today as I was then and I am not ashamed.]

Obviously I'm watching West Side Story because it's my favorite movie. I love this picture of Tony and Maria (above ^). Aww I just adore this movie. Kylie and Jordan were watching it with me, but they fell asleep right before the death/fight scene [spoiler alert]. Haha. We said Riff was Jordan's boyfriend, Bernardo was Kylie's boyfriend, and as always, Tony was my boyfriend. I wish! I am like in love with Tony, haha too bad he's a fictional character. I'm not really in love with him; I'm in love with the idea of him.

Alexia is sleeping over and she and McHale are sleeping in the living room. Today we started painting our room. I'm not a big fan of the color scheme, but change is nice. We are doing three walls brown and one pink. I thought it would be ugly but I like it. We all painted one wall brown and then McHale and Alexia felt sick so they went to the living room. I painted an entire wall pink practically all by myself. Painting got tiring, but it's kinda fun and relaxing. I listened to my "love music" as Sam calls it. I'd say I did a good job.

Wow. So many days I look back on what I write and just want to burn this journal, shred it to pieces, and throw it away and forget about it because I sound stupid most of the time and don't filter what I say. But I KNOW I'd regret it. Despite how lame my life may be, it's still my life and I want to make something of it and remember it.

Okay girl get a hold of yourself. Find the balance between saying too much and not enough. Don't stay stuff you'll regret, but don't leave out something you don't want to forget. The moments in life pass quickly like rainfall so I must write them down so forever I can recall it all. Good, bad, ugly, sad.

Life may have its down turns, but we live, love, learn. Even if tears start pouring and life is boring, this life is mine and I'm going to shine.

Alright, I just got into this free-writing state of mind now. I'm going to copy a song Sam wrote for me in here.

(See below)

....

 For tired eyes or lovelies who can't read my handwriting haha...

"Your coffee eyes tantalize.

Lips perfect as a moonlit star speckled sky.

Your skin is softer than song.

Hair gleaming like ice covered oceans.

Heartbeat quickens in her presence.

Hands quake at her sight.

Mind cracks under her pressure.

You push hard as me in this game.

Your thoughts and mine are the same.

I want you more than men crave glory.

I want to tell our children the story.

How mama and papa came to be.

True love rings in my deaf ears.

I cannot hear music, I only hear you.

You are my perfect song.

All I've been searching out for years.

Hope you feel the same way I do.

That our love is this song.

Every kiss is a new world.

Every embrace is an adventure.

Every day with you is wondrous.

Every word means love to us.

You are my resurrection.

You are my revival.

You are my revolution."

-Untitled song written for (and about) me by Samuel Joseph Garner.

I forget how speechlessly beautiful that song was... That boy can write. That boy puts Shakespeare to shame. 

Sam is so sweet. He is also very creative and talented when it comes to writing music. It's quite amazing.

Today was not normal! I woke up at 7 in the morning and I didn't fall asleep until around 3 or 4 last night! I can't believe I woke up so early, but my arms hurt so bad, worse than they ever have! They ached so badly I couldn't sleep. McHale and Lexie were awake too because they always wake up early and the little kids (sibs) woke them up. So we had breakfast and watched Arthur with them. 

McHale did a second coat on a wall by herself and then Lexie and I helped her paint another wall. While painting, we watched West Side Story naturally even though McHale hates it. Kylie and Jordan helped us paint too. Lexie had to go home. Finally we finished painting! It was a relief.

We spent the rest of the day reorganizing and cleaning the room although we didn't finish entirely. I called Sam and Brooke and invited them over. McHale felt really sick. Brooke came over and we decided to go shopping for room decorations. 

 "I have no idea what to write. Sorry about the kissing dare. I couldn't think of anything else. You're an awesome girl.

Samuel Garner.

Nevermind, I take that back. I'm glad I had you do that dare. And you are an AMAZING kisser!!! :)"

-Sam (wrote that in my journal 12/28/07)

[Gotta love truthing and daring back in the day when you were too afraid to just go for things and take risks)

 "So you are a fantastic kisser. Seriously, everything about you just blows me away. You leave me at a loss for language. Just a glimpse at you brings a smile to my face. Every time I hold your hand I find myself in a haven lost in heaven. Corny as hell, but I like writing it.

Samuel Garner."

-Sam (wrote that in my journal 12/28/07)

 Sam and I came to my house. We went to my room and got out the mistletoe he gave me for Christmas and he took it and held it over our heads and we shared a kiss. It was sweet of him.

We sat on my bed and talked. He let me lay my head on his chest so I could listen to his heart and feel him breathe. I loved that. Everything seems okay when he holds me in his arms. He told me he loved me and I freaked out and told him he was crazy and didn't mean it because I didn't think it was possible to fall in love so fast. I mean love in general scares me. He left a little before one.

I called Brie ASAP and told her that Sam told me he loved me and I told her what I said. She called me stupid and said I shouldn't have said that because it was possible. She was right but you know my little unsure mind that does the thinking for me. Charley needs to listen to her heart a little more... indeed. I believe I'm falling in love with Sam.

Oh my that scares me! I don't want Sam to break my heart if I give it to him. Because we all know if he did, I'd totally cry my eyes out and give up on love and become bitter and really end up moving to Seattle and becoming some lonely, beautiful, single cat lady with Lexie. HAHA. However, I trust Sam, I don't think he'd do such a thing, at least not if he really truly does love me which I believe he does. He's amazing. He sang Death Cab's I'll Follow You Into The Dark for me tonight!!!

I always, my entire life, have wanted to fall in love, dreamed of it, and knew I would. The thing is I sorta created this dream boy in my head. I mean I didn't have a name or face for him, but I came up with all the qualities I wanted in him. I even talked about it in past journals. I just never in my wildest dreams ever thought I would fall in love with Sam Garner. I mean it's not a bad thing. I believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason, but I just never pictured Sam as "the one". But it's a good thing. That's funny our names are Sam and Charley! Like the LDS movie Charly.

I love Samuel Joseph Garner like he loves me.

 "It's so easy to think about love, to talk about love, to wish for love, but it's not always easy to recognize love, even when we hold it... in our hands."

I'll end this entry with a letter Sam wrote me...

"Dearest Charley,

This is the letter I promised you. I suppose I should begin with saying that I believe you are the most incredible girl I have ever had the pleasure and privilege of meeting. You have done so much for me. My life is changed, all because of you. I have seen your mind and concluded you are truly the amazing girl wonder [you can find the song Amazing Girl Wonder that Sam wrote for me on ITunes by his band Cruise Control :) ] As I gaze into your eyes I see endless, eternity, the shred of love I have vainly searched for. I have found impostors of such feelings, hollow shells of hell laced with an urge to dive into abuses of substances and self. Madness haunted the subconscious and awakened parts of the mind... until I met you.

I must be a fool, for I utter things meant to be kept within. Dear, the nickname bestowed upon you is of my make, is evidence of such. I have made the proclamation: I love you... such a simple sentence. I wonder how it can be so tender, yet so wounding. It has stabbed my heart once, and the scar reminds me of these words, but still my heart screams it whenever you are there. Warmth, beats of the heart, all instruments in the symphony of love... every time I meet you.

You know so much about me, and I about you. I have composed two songs already about you. Difficulties for me involve releasing my inner most thoughts, I allow myself to do so in writing or song, never to be spoken by mine own voice until I met you.

Continuously, I watch for your call. I love the sound of your voice. When you rest your weary head upon my chest, just to listen to my heartbeat while I gently breathe, I find my home I've searched for. My soul is no longer alone, but entwined in love. You bring life to my spirit.

Sam."

<3 Charley Brooke

FOR THE RECORD:

I do not love Sam anymore. We've moved on. We lived entirely different lives. However, I'll forever treasure and fondly look back on the two and a half years we were in a relationship. Sam will always be a part of my heart. I am forever thankful for him being in my life at that time... when I called him mine and he called me his... more importantly, that we called each other "best friend". Even though we went our separate ways and live different lives, I will never regret loving Sam with my entire heart for those years.

He showed me what it felt like to be treated like a princess. 

He showed me in words---and most importantly, ACTIONS--what a healthy, normal, endearing, unconditionally loving, empowering relationship looked and felt like so that I knew when the time came (which I never imagined occurring in even my worst nightmares) where I found myself in an abusive, controlling, manipulative relationship years later. Sam gave me something to contrast it with.

You don't hurt the ones you love.

You don't physically harm those you love... especially a girl.

Sam wholeheartedly believed those things and never once did he hurt or abuse me. He put me first.

I wish the best for him, his new life, and his family.

#CharSam #amazinggirlwonder #firstlove

Our first love is when we are young, high school even (Sam and I dated between the ages of 18-20).

It's the idealistic love; the one that seems like the fairytales we are all read as children. It's a love that looks right.

Wednesday December 28, 2011

Six years ago.

 The game of Quelf.

I've wanted to make this, the last week of 2011, the best one, the one to never forget, one worth remembering. That's not exactly promising.

Mom and Jord are in Vegas until Thursday. They left today. Mom called me tonight to let me know she got me Kate Walsh's Boyfriend perfume! I am so excited for my new BOYFRIEND! This one will never hurt me ;) That made this night a little better. 

I took Jared and Christian to lunch today at Panda Express since it's like their favorite.

Tonight, I went and got pizza and pop and had Brie, Tyson, and Matt over for dinner, games, and a movie. Chrish had Jared and Carson Bechtal over. They played video games all night long. I wish I'd just sat up here alone tonight to be quiet honest. It turned into a disaster. Ugh. Matt was beyond distant. We ate and then played Quelf. Matt doesn't really like that game. I could tell he wasn't really having fun. It bothered me a bit how Matt doesn't seem to appreciate all that I do for him. I don't do it because I'm seeking praise, but he acts so ungrateful like the words "thank you" are a foreign language he isn't fluent in. He didn't thank me once for dinner. He acted weird. I don't mean to be mean, but seriously! I, again, go unnoticed. It's like nothing I do is good enough. I'm not appreciated. This saddens me. I try too hard and end up heartbroken.

Haha lets lighten things up a bit... at one point tonight, I was Googling the lyrics to Patty Cake so Matt (who was sitting under the dining room table) and Tyson could sing it while wearing Matt's belt wrapped around my head like a ninja as Brie dumped Bob's change jar all over the ground frantically searching for 68 cents exactly... True story. If you've played Quelf, you understand that this is perfectly normal! It's a fun game! I highly recommend it. Good times.

After the fun and games, we all went to the theater room to watch a movie. We let the boys choose. Their choice was The Proposal. It was cute. I'd never seen it before. I love Ryan Reynolds so very much. He needs to marry me! Matt and I sat in a love seat. I might as well have sat alone in the front row by myself. Matt didn't want to cuddle at all. It was like I had cooties or Ebola or was infected with a deadly disease. At one point, I tried to hold Matt's hand. I made the first move and he pulled away.

Mood=morose.

I've made up my mind. At that moment, I realized this was the last time I'd ever hang out with Matt. I can't do it anymore. It's hopeless. I'm hopeless. Romance and love are hopeless. I like him. I am getting feelings for him. He doesn't feel the same or like me. Unrequited. I can't pretend those feelings don't exist, nor can I hide them. I won't let myself fall deeper. I have to just cut our ties now. There is nothing (well almost nothing) worse than continuing to hope I have a chance when it's an impossibility. It feels real from the outside but the inside is hollow nothingness. Why do I keep meeting people who leave and exit my life at the pace of a revolving door? I can lock everyone in my heart--forever there they will stay--unfortunately, I cannot keep them in my life.

I am tired of boys and their endless lies and games. They say they're "not like the rest" well just saying that is meaningless and makes them e x a c t l y like the rest. You have to prove it in actions, not just words.

Where to miss? (you may ask since I'm sick of writing)

To the stars... *

Imma end with some quotes.

"I've come to believe that in everyone's life, there's one undeniable moment of change, a set of circumstances that suddenly alters everything."

-Nicholas Sparks, Safe Haven

"Don't Wait For The World" by Jacob Gann

We're agonized by awkwardness but crucified for confidence.

So which one are you gonna be?

We're looking at everyone else to define ourselves.

As if how we're seen is how we see.

So don't wait for the world to tell you who you are.

Because the world won't wait for you

to tell you what you aren't

so just run away from everything they say.

They don't know themselves anyway.

Don't let how you're seen be how you see.

"Rose, you're the most amazingly astounding, wonderful girl, woman, that I've ever known. I'm not an idiot. I know how the world works, but I'm too involved now. You jump, I jump, remember?"

-Jack Dawson

"What if all you lack

has always lived inside me

and in me alone?"
-Tyler Knott Gregson

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your soul."

-Henry Ford

"Something keeps me holding on to nothing."

"And the dangerous thing about excuses is that if we recite them enough times, we actually come to believe they are true."

-Robin Sharma

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."

-Maya Angelou

"I'll get through today

whatever it will bring if

you're my tomorrow."

-Tyler Knott Gregson

Now some words from my spirit animal (Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer)

#oth #peytonsawyer #peoplealwaysleave

<W/L3 Charley Brooke

Friday December 28, 2012

Five years ago

 "Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is one of the most attractive things you can do."

 Lambsey & Charsley. BFT (Best Friend Twins)

Twins 7 Years Apart IRL.

10/14/1989

10/14/1996

 Ditching the family Christmas party >)

"I fought because I had found peace in her. Because I knew I could find rest in her touch that somehow both burned me up and washed me clean."

-Ky Markham, Crossed, by Ally Condie

Today was my last day of work for this year!

I also have next week off which is exciting. Bob's family Christmas party was today. I came to it after I worked. All of his family was there like the one two years ago except for Mitch. I talked to his sweet mom Maurie who said he had to work or something; since he was the only one who really got close to us last time, Chrish and I said hi to everyone and figured the 50 or so people/family wouldn't realize our absence or notice if we went missing or care. We told mom we were going to get a pop and that we'd get her one too.

We fulfilled our promise and returned with sodas... at 5:00pm (about two hours later) aka when the party was ending :) Haha we ended up going to Ming's Cafe for lunch. 

Those are our fortunes.

I've never seen a misspelled fortune until today.

I am quite certain that Lambsey's fortune is supposed to say "Let the sun shine on your soul" instead of "Le the sun shine on your soul" but then again I thought the point of fortunes were to predict an event or happening in your future such as "The sun will shine on your soul". The way they are is more like generalized advice or statements. Fortune cookie companies need to get it together!

Well after lunch, Lambsey and I had a fun filled afternoon shopping. We went to the mall and ran into grandma and grandpa, Dylan Miles, and Ryan Robison. 

Later tonight when all of the family had left except for Bob's brother Jared and his lovely wife Shannon and their adorable four little kids (who stayed the night last night and are staying again tonight) and Britton. It was a relaxing, mellow night.

<W/L3 Charley Brooke

 "Time is very slow for those who wait. Very fast for those who are scared. Very long for those who lament. Very short for those who celebrate. But for those who love, time is eternal."

-William Shakespeare

 The purity of a kiss.

I think kissing is the most pure and raw form of physical contact there could ever be.

Sex is intimate, sure, but you can have sex with anyone. A kiss though, my god.

A kiss can change your world. A small touch between two pairs of lips can blow your mind. Whether it be short and sweet, or long and intense. And when you find someone that looks at you like you're more beautiful than a blossoming rose; you never want to feel another's lips against yours ever again.

 "You are a poem written with flesh and bones and tiny particles of glittery stars and everything beautiful I am fated to love."

-Anita Krizzan

 The earth without art is just eh.

 The badass princesses save themselves in this one :)

Seeing this fiercely, strong, bombshell of a best friend made my night.

I love you Yuki.
I was fired from my job at House of Hope for visiting this lovely girl and surprising her with a Christmas gift. I just wanted to do something in the spirit of Christmas. She was no longer a client of mine. I brought a friend along and there were other people supervising this visit. Yuki was struggling and I wanted to help her. When I spoke with Seth about my sadness for getting fired for just visiting this darling family, he said "You remind me of President Thomas S. Monson. That is something he would do and approve of."
I agree. I would do it all over again. 

 Y u k i

C h a r l e y

Z u r i y a h

Z a y l e e

We live in a generation that is highly skilled at allowing connections to fade away. Because of social media and cell phones, we think people are replaceable, and that's silly. You cannot replace the energy of someone who is genuine especially if they're putting consistent effort out, to be in your life. Appreciate them, cherish them, those people are gold.

These girls are gold.

They are the family I choose and love love love.

Lovelies, happiness doesn't even scratch the surface or begin to define how HAPPY I am in my life right now. 2015-2017, hell mid 2013-2017, have been battles, fighting for life (literally), nearly dying, breaking down, wanting to disappear and not be here anymore... but they've also been full of joy, love, miracles, and magic. I wouldn't trade all the pain and hell I've suffered through for the beauty and heaven that is my life now. I have no words for this. I thought I knew what happiness was, but oh my goodness I had no idea. This is happiness. It's everything. My life isn't perfect by any means, nor am I. There are still bad days. There are moments I doubt myself. There are times I look in the mirror and don't like the face I see staring back at me. But mainly, I feel confident. I feel pretty. I feel beautiful--inside and out. I am making progress and working hard and pursuing my dreams and passions with every fiber of my being. I love that I literally have the most incredible family and friends ever created. I do. They bring me more joy that I feel I deserve. I am abundantly loved and my heart bursts with love for all of you. I have to shout out to my wonderful family--mom, dad, Tressa, Bob, Tyler, Hope, Britton, Jordan, Colton, Tanner, McHale, Jordan, and Christian, I love you all with my entire heart. I feel so blessed to be your daughter, your sister, your friend. We may not see each other everyday, but you're in my thoughts and prayers always. I am insanely proud of all of you and the lives you're creating. 

My friends--Tyson, Aubrey, Heather, Taya, Hillary, Paige-Madison, Paige Collier, Yuki, Leigh, Karly, Sara, Liliya, Stacie, Deedra, Madison, Megan, Haylee, Krystal, Simone, Andie, Alexia, Eros, Katie, and the rest of you--I LOVE YOU all. My love is infinite. I am always here for you. You all bring light into this dark world and it's breathtakingly beautiful. I'm overwhelmed to call myself your friend. You are among the best people to walk this planet. You're all changing the world in your own unique, lovely ways and it's such an honor to hear about it and be a part of it. Seriously, hands down #friendshipgoals #squadgoals You're all killing it and it's inspiring. I cannot wait for the memories we'll make in 2018 and forever to come.

I believe in true love.

I believe in love at first sight.

I believe that love conquers all.

And that doesn't mean there won't be hard days or difficult things to deal with, because there will be. But finding that person who does it for you and knowing that person loves you back just makes everything so much easier. Worth it. 

Love--real love--is invariably the story of two troubled people who understand and accept each other's troubles, but choose to face them together with love.

My greatest wish is that in 2018 I can find the end of all the endings because my broken bones are mending.

I love you, lovelies.

Here's to 2018 my nation of lovelies.

Aspire to inspire.

The best is yet to come.

You have to believe it and make it happen.

Life is meant to be lived and loved and enjoyed.

<W/L3

C

 "Falling too fast to prepare for this.

Everybody hoping they could be the one.

I was born to run, I was born for this.

Whip, whip

Run me like a race horse

Pull me like a ripcord.

Break me down and build me up.

I wanna be the slip, slip

Word upon your lip, lip 

Letter that you rip, rip

Break me down and build me up.

Whatever it takes.

Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins.

I do whatever it takes.

Yeah, take me to the top.

I'm ready for whatever it takes.

Always had a fear of being typical.

Looking at my body feeling miserable.

Always hanging on to the visual.

Looking at my years like a martyrdom

Everybody needs to be a part of 'em

I was born to run, I was born for this.

Hypocritical, egotistical

Don't wanna be the parenthetical, hypothetical

Working onto something that I'm proud of, out of the box.

An epoxy to the world and the vision we've lost

I'm an apostrophe

I'm just a symbol to remind you that there's more to see.

And yet a masterpiece.

I'll do whatever it takes."

-Imagine Dragons

P.S. HAIR GOALS TODAY!