It's Not Going To Be Easy. It's Going To Be Really Hard. Because I Want You...

Don't give up on love because you still haven't met me yet.

Everything has changed and yet, I am more me than I've ever been.

 I'm in love with Ryan Gosling. Watching The Notebook. Does love like that really exist?

"The lights are waiting

with the music in the streets.

The love is coming."

-Tyler Knott Gregson

"Everybody's dying to be somebody else, but I'll live my life if it kills me."

-e.e. cummings

Everything's a risk. Not doing anything is a risk. It's up to you.

SPOILER ALERT: Love is worth everything. Everything.

Never accept less than you deserve. Hold out for someone who treats you like gold, believes in you on good days and bad days, and who is your best friend.

Your heart knows things your mind can't explain.

Have you ever noticed how different people treat their hearts?

There are those who drag their hearts behind them in the dirt, those who only let their hearts out on special occasions and of course, those who force themselves into believing that they have no heart at all.

But I will always have an affinity with the people who toss their hearts into the mess of someone else's DNA. They tell me I am a romantic, but it's only because I believe in love. And the realization that the lines and edges of our bodies or the sudden stop of our hearts, are not where we end--in love, we are e n d l e s s.

A year ago today 12/7/11; I wrote this about love... six years ago

"I'm 22 and love is all I want. My heart is bursting at the seams. Why do I want love, to fall in love and be in love forever? I wish more than anything that someone would just rip my stupid hopeless, hopeless romantic heart out and replace it with one that just didn't care about love, didn't feel missing without it, didn't drive me insane. Why do I want the one thing I can't have? No matter how hard I try I can't get over it or accept it's not ever going to happen, at least not for me, and is a mere dream. They say all you need is love. I'm hard wired for it and it will be my downfall."

Lets come back to reality; 12/7/17

"I know what it's like to miss someone. I know what it's like to miss the past, to wish you could go back in time. But you need to realize that you can't. You can't miss it anymore, because you can't go back. You can only go forward. You need to stop building the memories up in your head, and see them for what they really were. A few great days surrounded by a lot of terrible, abusive, heartbreaking ones. And you need to realize that you deserve someone who makes everyday great, loves you unconditionally, and would NEVER harm you in any way. As a single woman (or man), you can only wonder about the man (or woman) you will someday marry. But God knows exactly who he (or she) is. He designed everything about them from their hair color to the smallest quirks of their character. God knows exactly what challenges you will face in your life together, every romantic moment you'll enjoy together and every fight you'll struggle through. Just think how amazing our dreams would be if instead of making them up for ourselves, we asked God to give us a glimpse of His dreams for us. Those dreams have all the benefit of being true and all the certainty of being fulfilled.
I understand why we get stuck sometimes. TRUST ME. Hearts are stubborn. They sink their hooks into bad habits that look like people and dreams. But look at how much we give of ourselves. Our most precious gifts handed over to another who may, or may not, value them as much as we do. Have you ever heard someone fall asleep? Or watched someone break down? There's so few people in this world that can completely forgive you. The people that get you to believe it's actually all worth it, and don't flinch when you look them in the eyes, never waver, and make a bed more comfortable. Who tell you you're the most beautiful human in existence and you know with every fiber of your being they mean it. So when you find them, you, in a way, lose yourself. But know this: you will always be too much for anyone not enough. Somewhere out there is someone who'll bring pieces of you home. And you'll realize that losing everything is the only way to figure out what's worth finding.
Until then, love yourself! Relentless... imperfections and all. Because you're perfectly you. You are worth it and worthy. You deserve love. And it starts from within. Love your life. Today. This moment. Now. You're whole right now. 
They expect you to quit by now, but you haven't. I haven't. We won't quit either. We have won too many trials to fall now. Many of our experience resemble war, but our responses resemble God's favor. Whenever you start to feel weak, remember what you have surpassed, and it will essentially empower you all over again. That's the blessing in battles: you can let them overcome you or you can make them strengthen you.
Wait for the one who betters you. Somebody you inspires you and encourages you in love and in life, who pushes you towards your dreams and goals you'd otherwise ignore, who selflessly sacrifices their time to help you become a more courageous well rounded and happy human being. That's sacred. That's love."

 I appreciate the things that are molding me into a better woman. Even if it hurts me or I don't understand it. I need it for who I'm becoming.

Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.

I have put up my walls and I have turned off the lights. I am hiding. I crave for you to find me amongst the darkness; if you can do that then you have found the real me.

... that's the most beautiful thing in the world when two people become fluent in choosing one another.

Lets spend the years together, finding things to love and eating good food. Lets get married and dance to our favorite songs, maybe you will laugh at how badly I dance yet you will love the willingness I have to learn. Lets get groceries, ride bikes and just enjoy the simple things in life. Lets be spontaneous and put all our belongings in the car and drive to the coast. Lets be surprised by the joy of children and live to raise them right. Lets live each day, falling in love all over again. Lets be together in our old age, laughing at the frustration of our youth. Lets kiss each other good night so that we do not forget the power of a kiss.

"You are the poem I never knew how to write and this life is the story I have always wanted to tell."
-Tyler Knott Gregson

There will be dozens of people who will take your breath away but the one who reminds you to breathe is the one you should keep.

 "If they don't like you for being yourself, be yourself even more."
-Taylor Swift

You alone are the greatest story ever told.

Love always, lovelies.
XX,
C

P.S. MAJOR shout out to some of the most beautiful women I've had the honor of meeting who made today's photoshoot possible and magical and lovely.
First, my make up artist Vanessa... Find her on Instagram: @glamfab_nessa
&
The extraordinary, breathtakingly stunning, angel Keitra Jane. She looks like Taylor Swift's identical twin but prettier... and that's saying something! She is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside and working with her this evening was pure magic.
Find Keitra's photography business on Instagram: @xoxokeitrajane

ONE [WON] YEAR LATER

SURVIVOR noun

a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have [or would have] died

a person who copes well with difficulties in their life

SURVIVE [SURVIVING] verb

to remain alive or in existence

to continue to function or prosper 

continue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship

Lovelies... can you believe H E R E W E S T A N D one year later?

It's a miracle.

I am a miracle.

You are a miracle.

This is proof of miracles.

To those of you just tuning in,

One year ago today on a seemingly normal sunny day on June 23, 2016, I attempted suicide via gun.

I shot myself twice . . . and died. 

It wasn't my time so with God and tireless work from the trauma team, I was brought back to life and survived.

What a year it's been...

I am A L I V E

{more than that}

I am L I V I N G

&&

L O V I N G

Today I have been pondering the difference between being a "survivor" and "surviving".

For the record, I am both.

Yes I survived a GSW (gunshot wound). Two actually, And the wreckage, carnage, and blood loss they inflicted on my body,

I survived rape.

I survived unspeakable domestic violence.

I survived adultery.

I survived a nightmare disguised as a fairytale. 

I survived darkness that would make you shutter.

I survived the loss of my ability to have children at the tender age of twenty three.

I've survived scrutiny, judgment, harsh words thrown like stones, looks that could kill, and bullying.

I've survived dozens of surgeries.

I've survived pain that couldn't be measured on the standard pain scale.

I've survived loss and tragedy and broken homes and hopelessness and obliterated dreams. 

None of the above defines me.

Lets get that clear.

I don't wear the word survivor as a metal for all to bask and cheer and celebrate me. I don't wear that word as an adjective to describe me. 

Yes, I survived.

But, I am still surviving. 

I am surviving. As long as I am alive--heart beating, head dreaming, soul feeling, lungs breathing--I will be surviving. It's a verb I use every second of every day. I am surviving all of those things and more. I am surviving depression, loneliness, trials, bumps in the road, hell, fear, every-day-run-of-the-mill-human-issues, insecurity, body image, etc every day. I am surviving. 

I WILL NOT STOP.

That is what makes all the difference.

The comeback is always stronger than the setback.

To celebrate this, to celebrate me surviving, my gorgeous-in-every-damn-way, STRONG, surviving, friend was the photographer to my model last night. We had an epic, fun, sunset, bonding, photoshoot. I have to give a BIG shout out to Cheyenne Ryan Hebert. She is such an inspiration to me. All the credit of these beautiful images goes to that lovely woman.

our scars remind us that the past is real & the future is worth it

"The wound is the place where the light enters you."

-rumi

She's the type of girl that can have anybody but she can't be had. Like a number with a missing digit, or a story unwritten. And she left her impression on you, like lipstick on a napkin, and in an old song's chorus you'd always know the words to. Go for the girl that's always been around, who's seen the way the world crumbles but also knows how to piece it back together. She's not the easy route or smooth sailing. She's a hailstorm in an open field. A back alley tsunami. A mirage, an uncut diamond, the perfect mistake, and a million other impossibilities. Understand rarity doesn't exist under every stone, or around each corner. She's selective, not from a level of superiority. It's a self worth thing. Think twice, move swiftly, kiss deeply, and don't back down. She can be proven--right or wrong. That's up to you.

I dare disturb the universe. 

"Look through the pain, the heartache, or the waiting and see, for the first time all that lies beyond."

-Tyler Knott Gregson

"The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing to find the place where all the beauty came from."

-C.S. Lewis

"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."

-Anne Frank

I don't pay attention to the

world ending,

it has ended for me

many times

and began again in the morning.

You don't find happiness from living your life looking ahead of back... You find it when you look around.

the beauty of a girl cannot be mimicked, fabricated, or created by human means it only occurs naturally

say you'll remember me, standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset, babe. 

red lips and rosy cheeks, say you'll remember me even if it's just in your wildest dreams.

"The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't meet finally somewhere. They're in each other all along."

-rumi

I'm going to make everything around me beautiful--that will be my life.

Know if depression is the verse then hope is the chorus.

I know sometimes you wonder about me.

when i was drowning, that's when i could finally breathe

she always had that about her, that look of otherness, of eyes that see things much too far, and of thought that wander off the edge of the world.

"I think the tiniest little thing can change the course of your day, which can change the course of your day, which can change the course of your year, which can change who you are."

-Taylor Alison Swift

some walks you have to take alone.

"I want to believe in it all again... fate and love, and I want to believe that I've made the right choices, and I'm still on the right path, and there's still time to fix some mistakes. I guess I want hope."

-Peyton Sawyer

Don't walk through your toughest day alone. We're in this together.

God knows you perfectly. He loves you perfectly. He knows what your future holds.

perhaps you were born for such a time as this

there is nothing beautiful

about the wreckage of a human being

there is nothing pretty

about damage

about pain

about heartache

what is beautiful is

their strength,

their resilience,

their fortitude,

as they display an ocean of courage

when they pick through the wreckage of their life

to build something beautiful brand new,

against every odd

that is stacked against them.

time will break all of the old habits and create new ones for you, and in the process, you will try to handle this immense pain with dignity.

In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she simply changed directions, and kept going.

heavy is the crown and yet she wears it as if it were a feather. there is a strength in her heart. determination in her eyes and the will to survive resides within her soul. she is you, a warrior, a champion, a fighter, a queen [a badass princess].

it's all going to be okay. none of us know how our lives are going to turn out. and i think it's best that way.

"That was the way I decided to go on with my life. Not looking for anything, not necessarily being open to anything, and only being open to the idea that, if I found someone who would never try to change me, that would be the only person I could fall in love with. Because, you know, I was in love with my life."

-Taylor Alison Swift

we

will

survive

lovelies

because

we

are

worth

it

and

our

dreams

are

NOT

impossible.

xoxo

-C